Shut the hell up already

I got back yesterday from a zen meditation retreat (Sesshin) at the Osage Forest of Peace. Seems like I've been going to a lot of these lately.The more I sit and the deeper my practice becomes the more I feel a need for a community. I suppose this is pretty natural. I suppose  that's why synagogs are packed on Saturdays and churches are packed each Sunday. Having that support in our practice, whatever our spiritual belief, is helpful. Having a safe place to experience the sacredness of this life has helped me greatly.

I faced off this weekend with that inner narrator that is constantly jabbering away in my head. Telling me the wind is going through the leaves, telling me the sun is rising or setting and lots and lots of other things in between.  I know this inner voice is there to keep me safe. Its there to try to help. Even though I know this is my own voice somehow it always seems separate. Like someone else is doing the talking. Apparently there is a word for this, its called duality. That same voice that is pointing out and makes sure I'm witnessing all the beauty and such is also the same voice that is telling me that I am guilty, that I'm not good enough, that I am a failure, okay basically this voice is my best friend and my worst enemy.

So I'm trying to quite the voice. shhhhhh......... I spent a entire 15 minutes the other day just shhhing. It worked for a while.

But what I came to realize is that voice is so loud sometimes and so forceful that I have noticed that I pay more attention to it than I do the real world. So my practice is now shisshing the voice and experiencing reality just how it is offered. I'm not saying the voice isn't helpful at times and needs to go away all together I just need to listen more wisely maybe. Some times that voice paralyzes me with fear.  I have to say the first time I really experience it (not having the voice blabbing away) I felt completely naked and light as a feather. So I tasted it and I liked it. It takes some getting used to and at times its a struggle. That voice always pops in at the most inconvenient times. and I think gosh can I ever just shut up? 

Today I'll work in the field where I will try to experience every stroke of my hoe, every step my feet take and hear every rustling leaf. You know, live in the real world, not the one I'm creating in my head. Wish me luck.