Woke up this morning two hours after the alarm went off. Haggard and spent from a broken night between sleeplessness and out of body experiences and just plain wacked out dreams, I sucked down a cup of coffee. I threw on my jeans that lay on the floor and could stand on their own and went outside to save a poor hen that was being chased and licked by the pups. Our first “bad dog, leave the chicken alone” lesson. Hell, I’m out here I thought so I finished up the rest of the chores, dogs fed, chicks water and starter feed refilled, Hens fed, Alfalfa to the goats, waters filled, eight eggs found under the hay, stuffed in coat pocket. Reminder to self; I have eight eggs in my pocket don’t do anything stupid.
An hour later I’m in the house snuggling my new hot cup of coffee and my journal, wondering what the hell just happened. I’m out of sorts, I feel awoken from the deepest sleep and have a fog of confusion around me. Nothing another cup of coffee won’t cure I’m sure. See last night I dreamt that I woke up, got out of bed took a drink out of the bathroom faucet and tried to talk to Linda. So it was rather startling when I woke up again and was lying in bed. I really could have sworn I was awake the first time. And I wasn’t completely sure I was awake this time. I did fall deeply back to sleep only to have strange dreams.
Something happens to me in the wee morning hours, on the rare occasion that I can’t sleep. It’s when all of the self questioning, self doubt, and self judgment come out. It’s happened ever since I can remember so I know not to pay it too much mind. I know not to entertain such thoughts but they are persistent. Ghosts of the past. “I should have done this”, “I shouldn’t have done that”. Every insecurity I have comes up to the surface for scrutiny, until I finally say to myself, “Ya’ know it might be true, but we’ll talk about it in the morning”.
Morning comes and those feelings are gentle now, they are buried in the awake state, buried by my bliss. And as I feed the animals and work in the field I smooth over. My flaws and mistakes of the past are accepted and I let sheep kisses wash them clean. The sun hitting my face on a cold day I recognize my imperfections and my desire to do better. I recognize my humanness. In the soil I’ve just turned I see the potential. I find my bliss.