Monday, July 30, 2012

The answer is no and it was good

Each time I finish my ridding lesson it takes a good while to come back down to earth and get back into the swing of the day. Yes I’ve made my list but I’m wandering around in a daze trying to find it so I figured the best way to ground myself is to write. So here I am, this already hot July morning finding my legs.
So the big dilemma: Last week, Red, the horse I have been learning on was offered to me to buy. Red and I get along very well, and the lesson today on red was splendid.  We do work well together, there is no doubt, but after much thought I decided no. It broke my heart but I know it was the right thing to do. Farming is a hard way to make a living and even though this has been the best year I’ve ever had, I still count my nickels and dimes.  I’ve had some really hard winters and this might be the first one I that I’ll have just enough to get by without the normal high anxiety of late bills. This would be quite the achievement.
So Yes I decided no. My instructor totally understood and told me she hated to sell her anyway, she’s such a good horse. And an excellent teaching horse… and when I was ready to buy we would go horse shopping together. You can’t imagine the relief I felt and the gratitude of being understood instead of shunned for my lack of hard cold cash or credit. This is Grace. So Red and I can continue to ride together. I feel a great sense of relief but also a sense of peace of the realization that I can’t have everything I want and let me tell you the gratitude I feel for the things in my life I do have has doubled. Last Friday I turned 46 and I feel like I made a real grown up decision here, so I can also say, I’m proud of myself too. But let there be no doubt, one day when the time is right I will own my own horse!
I’ve had a few days off from the farm and getting back into the swing of things has been challenging especially with this stifling heat.  I spent a couple of days at the Osage Forest of Peace a monastery/ashram/spiritual retreat center. They are CSA members so it feels like a home away from home, it’s a beautiful place for reflection and meditation. After two days I felt completely regenerated and back on tract so to say. Linda kept an eye on the farm yet another gift to be grateful of, having a partner who is invested and supportive of me taking good care of myself.
So I’ll sign off for now and try to get some work done that doesn’t include working outside. Canning more tomatoes and cheese making will be the order of the day.

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