Sunday, a dear man I knew unexpectedly passed away due to
complications from surgery. The shock was more than I expected and for the rest
of the evening and the next day I existed in a dull confused sadness. Many who
know him will take his death hard. I can describe him and how calm and present
he was, what a beautiful man he was, but that’s not to do him justice. The thread
that runs through all of those who knew him is the feeling that we didn’t get
enough time with him. I wish I could have gotten to know him better than I did.
I wish I could have spent more time with him. But it’s too late now to know him
closer in the physical sense.
His passing has reminded me how special and beautiful…. I don’t
want to say lucky but that’s the word that fits my feeling best. I’m so lucky
to live in a life where I am exposed to such amazingly beautiful kind people. Blessed? Without it being attached to the
dogma of religion, I can say I feel blessed to have the ability to notice how
lucky I am. I feel like for me to really honor his life, death and my own, I
need to remain open and embrace those people around me I hold so dearly. Not to
take their existence in my life lightly. No matter what capacity our friendship
or acquaintance, to love them without reserve, even the woman who gives me my
coffee, one cream one sugar at the drive through at the Cushing Mc Donald’s on
my way to Stillwater. I may not hug her, (that might be frowned upon) but my
kindness toward her celebrates my own life.
This man will be missed profoundly. His beautiful wife and
children, I just can’t imagine the loss they feel. There
are no words, sentiments that can reveal logic, or reason, or true comfort. No
missing piece to the puzzle that can reveal the complete image of our story,
and to make the attempt is to swim in an ocean with no shore. So to embrace the
unknowing and love tenderly all of those my life is to become the ocean with no
need for the shore.
Brad Calloway Baxter you will be missed. I’m grateful to
have known you. You have left the deep richness of your memory in my heart.
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