…….Three days until I leave for Seattle to visit my family...... Three days of endless opportunities to remind myself to stay calm and that I am not going to get to everything I want to. Potatoes can wait until I get back. Many things can wait. I’m only going for the weekend. I’ll be back Monday late afternoon. All will be fine, really……… This is the stream of dialog in my head. Not to mention the thread of guilt I have been grappling with for even going to Seattle, you know; money, time, what I should be doing etc. But I have made a pretty serious decision not to cling to these thoughts. To embrace the fact that I am able to see my nieces and nephew, my brother in law, my sister, people I am related to and don’t see more than once a year. I can’t wait!
But this brings up a general way of thinking that I am trying to change. A way of thinking that separates me from the amazing blessed enchanted life I have been offered. My normal way of thinking is there is not enough time in the day to do all the things I need to do in order to gain control over the farm thus my life. I must have all the barns cleaned out, the chicken coops cleaned, animals fed. The place needs to be spotless, no garbage or junk piles, no work left undone, office, clean and organized, bills paid, e-mails returned, garden shed (my other office) clean and organized, barns, sheds all of it perfect. It must all be perfect because, all of this is a reflection of me as a person. If the barn is dirty than I am dirty, my office is disorganized then I am disorganized. All is a reflection of me. This way of thinking creates an unhappy me, and one who is on the verge of exploding.
Since I’ve been more diligent about my spiritual practice I’ve come to be able to bring myself to a more quiet place and within that quietness I am calm. It’s easier for me to recognize thoughts that don’t help me achieve what I deeply desire and that is to live. To live in the reality of my life. To trust myself and to be sweet to myself but challenge my thinking, this is a privilege. To be alive is a gift and a privilege.
So I fight myself. I challenge myself to think differently and this is difficult but when I feel myself sinking into the feeling of failing my expectations, I breathe as deeply as I can and I feel my feet connected to the earth and I stay there until the feeling passes and I am smiling at the gifts all around me. I know what’s important. I know what needs to be done, I know that there will be things I’ll have to get to at another time.
I have this vision in my head of chipping away at a large stone, little by little, chipping, carving, creating a piece of art which is my life, and I can only hope it will be beautiful and I don’t ruin it. I can’t get it done in one day or ten years, as a matter of fact I have no idea how long I have to create this masterpiece. So know I have to relish the chipping, the carving, the act of creating. Simply, feeding the chickens. Gathering the eggs, washing the eggs, milking the goats. When I’m planting the onions I’m just planting the onions. This is my practice. This is how I chip away, carve, caress, not my life but my living.