Wednesday, February 15, 2012

A meandering update

My key board has been pretty silent lately. Seems like so much happens it’s hard to get it all down in comprehending sentences and then so much time goes by it just gets worse and feels pointless to write anything. But, I've had some things on my mind. I’ve been chewing on ideas and some general meanderings. That’s what happens during winter, it’s an opportunity for me to turn the previous year over and feel some sort of peace with the upcoming one. I hate to keep bringing up last summer but it kind of beat me down a little, but on the flip side the fall was more of a success then I could have even hoped for. My fall plantings were well, dense. There was more food than I knew what to do with. So with that came a renewed sense of possibilities and confidence.

The last part of December I took some time off from my regular farm schedule. I woke up when I wanted, I wrote uncountable pages in my journal, I ate, I fed all the animals of coarse and did all the things that needed to be done, but not with the regular sense of work and seriousness and no lists. In the afternoon I would write and take walks and think about things. I decided to take on some things that had bothered me in a deep emotional way for a very long time. I started to process of being sweet to myself, having empathy and compassion for none other than me. I realized all this time I had been trying to do this for the world outside of myself. I missed a real important basic principle. I count. So in a nut shell I decided to no longer give myself a hard time about the past. About decisions I’ve made, experiences that I had or something I had said or done years ago.

I woke up one day and I thought, “My life is so wonderful and so amazing I need to find a way to not miss it”.  And there it began the unfolding nature of self awareness. I went over everything that had been bothering me over the years. I took it from different angles and kept asking myself “am I sure about these things, about what I believe?” I wanted to spend time on this and then finally, finally, let it go. I wanted liberation, freedom. I wanted to be liberated from the broken record of fictional dialog I have with my sister. I wanted to be free from the fictional dialog I have had with my ex partner and so on. I desperately want to be free and liberated from the dialog I have with myself about what I should have done, shouldn’t have done.

It was several weeks ago, I was taking my morning walk up to the sheep and said something I often say to myself. “Ah, if I only had it to do over again with what I know now”. Then a loud voice came into my head and retorted quite sternly. “What do you think today is?!” “Every day is a do-over with what you know now! You are doing it over again with what you know now! Every time you open your lungs to breathe you’re doing it over again with what you know now. Geez already!!!” I felt like I had this little person in my head throwing up their arms exasperated ‘when are you going to get it’!!!    

Message received, thank you.

So yes, I’ve been talking to myself. But since that time I’ve let go of a lot of things I needed to. I wondered now that I’m not using so much time with fictional dialog and beating myself up, what will I do with all the open space in my head? I don’t miss it, I knew I wouldn’t and I knew that to be a better farmer a better chef I needed to step out of the past and into the real world I live in. The unfolding of self awareness continues, I live, I breathe, I trip, I fall and I get up again. I fart and laugh about it. I’m doing okay.

I wonder sometimes if this blog is too personal, if I give too much away about my vulnerabilities, my follies, my quest for understanding of the sacred and desire to experience it. I don’t know any other way. My heart is always on my sleeve.

The farm has a new web site and there is a blog attached to it and I wonder if I should start to use it. I wonder if because it’s attached to the business if I should be reserved and conservative with my thoughts or just stick to recipes or planting tips. Or should I just put myself out there like I do now? I would really appreciate any suggestions or opinions if you would care to leave a comment.

Thanks for reading

1 comment:

Marie Wreath said...

However you choose to proceed, I truly hope you continue writing. There are precious few blogs out here that share the daily details and insights of small farm life, at least that I have found, and none of those but yours are Oklahoma based. (I'm biased, I know.)

And of course I know you're busy, but I always look forward to seeing what you have to share and often wish you could write more often...

I recently participated in a chat about how much personal stuff is too much... and the consensus was "it's up to the writer" of course, but the intimate, unique details are what hook readers and set your blog apart. I'm talking to you, by the way, not just being general. LOL

Take care! xo