Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Thanksgiving- Forgivness, it takes trust
So after my little rant on Friday, I headed straight off to the Osage Forest of Peace monastery/ashram/retreat center to sit for three days in silence. I didn't have any great intentions, I wasn't going for supreme enlightenment, I was just going to simply sit and be in the Sangha (meditation group). Well I wasn't there 20 minutes and something came up. A old wound. A deep hurt. A person that years before would change my life forever through pain and spiritual confusion, just so happened to also be at the Forest that weekend. What to do? I counted my breathe, I tried to slow down my rapidly beating heart. My hands were cold and sweaty and my feet actually started to get numb. I sat like this all day. During Dokusan (when you meet with your teacher) I explained the situation, but I thought I had let all this go, I thought I had forgiven. "You didn't" was my teachers simple response. "Quit avoiding it, don't push it away, confront".
I wont go into too much detail for respect of privacy for myself and the person on the other side of this shore, but I did confront. It was difficult to gather the courage. Our meeting went well and I was able to forgive down to my very soul. What is so remarkable about this, is what a gift to myself it was to forgive. Being forgiven is, I know from experience also a very powerful gift but your still stuck with you. Until you forgive yourself which I believe may be the most difficult task anyone can conquer. Until you do that you don't get the prize. Freedom, lightness, openness, oneness.
I like many have had the experience of forgiving someone I couldn't confront or have a conversation with, maybe that person was dead, maybe just not available or not ready or willing to apologize (there is always two sides to every story). That's fine too, forgiveness is forgiveness. Forgiving someone you cant have personal dialog with is fine, but its like diving off the river bank into white water and trying your best to get to the other side. If you make it wonderful but you've worked for it, struggled for it, but you had to do it and it was messy. But if you are lucky enough to meet face to face, open and not attached to the outcome, its like the person whom you may feel wronged by helps you build the bridge and walks you safely across. Now that's some shit right there! We cant always have that. We don't always have the opportunity, or we just may not be ready. I was ready kids believe me, I have been carrying around a a fifty ton weight in my heart for four years. I know how birds can fly now.
So the rest of the weekend I'm sure you wont be surprised to hear was fabulous. I sat, in stillness and silence. and as this has absolutely nothing to do with farming has everything to do with growing. This thanksgiving I have such gratitude for bridges we build with people we never thought we could love.