Tuesday, April 3, 2012

feeling it

I don't know what it is with grey skies but they make me feel sort of melancholy. I know this about myself so I don't spend too much time dwelling on why I'm blue, just that I am for no real good reason. But I hate feeling this way never the less. Even though I want badly to burrow under the covers and come out round dinner I force myself to keep going. Work on projects, tick items off on the list etc. Only because I must, things are turning a corner around here and I need to have my ducks in a row.

For the first time in a long time as I cultivated the onion beds in between a perfect amount of rain which made the soil very easy to work, I felt lonely. I felt a great empty echo in my thoughts so I tried not to think. Tried to just pay attention to my hoe moving against the soil in between delicate rows of onions. That was good and it worked for a while then I drug myself to the next project on the list. Putting a dimmer on the dinning room lights in the cabin and what one might call odd jobs, getting the place shaped up for the first of our farm table dinners in two weeks.

I tried to remember about what it was like in Seattle when I lived there. Was I sad every time it was cloudy? Surly not. But I had the restaurant and my time was organized and structured. I had distractions, employees, sales people, prepping and creating specials. There was rarely stillness or silence and I craved it more that you can imagine. So many days I wished to be on a desert Island.   Today was my desert island, not tropical and lovely but lonely and quiet. The more I allowed myself to feel this without making demands to get over it, the better I felt. Fighting my emotions inevitably  inflame them further so feeling this truth was good. Lately when I'm feeling sad, I'm learning to simple observe the sadness in me without judgement. Usually I'm trying to end the sadness I'm trying to overcome it, now I realize that takes way too much energy. That feeling it isn't all that bad. Whats worse is trying not to feel it.

Someone once told me when I first moved here if I didn't like the weather today just wait until tomorrow. That's an Oklahoma thing apparently and its pretty true. Its also true sometimes with emotions if you don't like what your feeling today just wait until tomorrow, implying of course it will be better or perhaps just different which some times all it takes to recognize the passing of precious beautiful time.

Tonight I'm going to let myself be saturated by this pink purple sunset filtering through distant clouds and feel.

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