The loop

The competition is between the bullfrogs and the roosters followed by the cicadas and the crickets. The orchestra leaps forward in sound and back to a subtle drone, a vibration to a yell. These are the sounds I’m hearing right now as I write this post. I need these sounds to keep me here, to keep me in the present. To remind me it’s the earth I’m connected to, it’s the oxygen I breathe, the sun and moon and stars that are real. My being, my life interwoven with this planet and the creatures who I share it with are real. What’s not real is the dialog of defeat and self criticism and the stories that play out in my mind. I know this to be true, but even still it’s hard to believe the difference between what I allow to swim around haplessly un-attended in my head and the actually real events that are occurring all around me.

The defeat comes from my disappointment from this years’ field production. Things are growing just very poorly. I’m able to squeak by. I have enough produce to supply my CSA and farm table dinners and a little left over to sell. But let me put it this way. Last year I grew on ¼ acre. This year 3 ½ acres and production is only slightly above. It’s disappointing and expensive and could have probably been avoided with multiple trips to the barn to collect manure. This is what we are now doing and starting to see great results. But losses are losses and we had many this year. But the year is not over, not even close, which makes it even more important that I stay in the here and now.

The advice of good friends and simple logic tells me to keep moving forward, don’t get stuck in the ‘what ifs’ or the ‘I should haves’. Keep moving forward. It’s not like I have a choice, the clock is ticking. Tick, tick,tick and time is not stopping for me ever. Nor does it work in reverse, unless I’m stuck in my head. This is a prison cell, a time capsule that has no eject button. I have to bust out of it using all of my force. So I listen to the sounds. I watch the chickens, goats and sheep. I look out into the lushness around me and I think about the gifts, opportunities and experiences right now and ahead of me. That’s what I still have. I have this beautiful moment and in this moment the world around me is singing, the chickens are pecking at the ground, the goats are chewing their cud, the squash bugs are sucking nectar out of the squash plants, the grass is growing the sheep are grazing, my blood is pumping through my body and I am alive with such privilege.

So this is my routine; fight the desire to relive the past. Come back to the present and think of the exciting possibilities ahead. It’s a loop. I might be getting slightly better at it. Practice, practice, practice.
Today I started broccoli and cabbage for my fall garden. I just never give up.