Over the last several weeks I have felt a strong desire to write. It could be the pace of the farm has slowed which enables me to ponder and think about things in a less hurried way or it could be some things I’ve been macerating on have finally run its course. I’ve neglected the blog for some time, mostly because it’s hard to dissect the things that go on into readable sentences. I become self-conscience and worry that I’m being a narcissist thinking anyone would be interested about reading MY day to day experiences on this farm, or that I will be called out on being a terrible writer, and maybe all of that is true, but the drive to write is too strong to resist right now and if I say “later, I’ll write it down later”. Well, poof it’s gone.
I have this same relationship to social media, using the Facebook and twitter. It’s helped spread the word about the farm so much so I think I might actually make a real go of it. But I stammer and hide when it comes to posting personal stuff and by that I mean things that I feel really confused by like a death in my farm family of animals or illness, or insecurity, vulnerability, or even happiness and success. I don’t want to sound too happy or too terrified or too tragic but it seems it’s always one or the other.
Lately there has been a lot of happiness, a lot of contentment and peace. I’ve been able to step back and take a look at some farm situations that needed attention and focus to make changes that would make big improvements to the day to day. Also I’ve just come from a week long vacation, which is a ground breaking feat. New York City couldn’t be further from the farm and that’s where I was! In the middle of Manhattan. I can hardly believe it myself. It was fabulous! that being said, I was incredibly grateful to come back home. I have a pretty amazing life that not for one nano second I take for granted. But it was a nice, much needed break, that for once didn't involve sitting cross legged staring at the wall for 15 hours a day.
So what’s the point of this post ? I have no idea except to be carried by this desire to get it down, get it out and cultivate my meandering spirit again. I’m making no commitments but I am going to make the effort. There is a lot of conversation in my head going on right now about effort. Once the conversation starts turning to discipline or commitment the fog starts to come in. Why is this I wonder? Well it’s something I’m ready to explore and push and prod at. This should be interesting.