Christmas used to be a big deal for me, for all the obvious
reasons, more drinking, more eating, gift giving and receiving and time spent
with family (which would inevitably lead to more drinking). As I was growing up
my family’s tradition for many years was a gathering on Christmas Eve, a big
dinner, and then gift opening. On Christmas day my mother and I would go to a
movie and then Chinese food, which was my favorite! As all of us kids grew older
gift giving got smaller, the reality of economics. There was no pretending for
us any more, we were all trying to make a living, and we needed to make
Christmas more special for the now new little ones in our mists. Remember the
first time you realized on your own you were too old to go trick or treating?
instead you graduate to chaperone. Hard pill to swallow and now for Christmas
you’re no longer sitting at the kids table which you felt as though you didn’t
belong in the first place, but with that rite of passage come sacrifice. You’re
a big kid now. Forever.
As a consequence of growing older things start changing.
First it was my Uncle who died suddenly, and then it was my aunt who fell and
shattered her hip and was changed forever, but then my niece moved away, and my
mother began to show severe signs of Alzheimer's, finally I moved away and then
my sister was diagnosed with cancer and passed
two years after my mother. The drama of making it a “normal” Christmas became
unbearable. Our family dynamic was thrown out of its orbit.
Returning home to
be with my family became harder, financially yes, but to leave the farm during
the winter became another great pillar of stress. The last time I was in
Seattle for Christmas we had a blizzard in Oklahoma. Linda was alone on the
farm and we ended up losing two of our bucks. It was our first winter on the
farm and it was devastating. I vowed never to travel during these months. The
trauma still haunts us. Most people who live in cities can’t imagine what
living on a rural farm during a huge storm can be like. All of the animals, the
power, the stress of losing everything, not a good time to travel.
When I moved to Oklahoma I tried to create my own Christmas
tradition but it just wasn’t the same. It was empty, desperately lonely and
joyless. So I gave up Christmas, even starting hating it, almost to the point
of being an anti-theist. (that’s another story) When I met Linda things slowly shifted.
I began looking at Christmas from a more spiritual contemplative point of view.
We began our own tradition of spending Christmas Eve with friends who became
our family, and Christmas day at the movies! For Linda and I, no more tree, or decorations,
we generally don’t give gifts although a few gestures are made. The gift that
we share is quiet, is loving and peaceful.
Full of deep contemplation and finally yes Joy! This time of year is
when we take a sacred inventory of how we’ve served, how we managed. More about
Christ less about mas. Both of us have
been on long personal journeys trying to make sense of it all.
Christmas is still hard for me, I won’t lie. I know I am
loved and have wonderful people in my life and I’m so very happy for those
around me celebrating each in their own way, but there is an undeniable emptiness
within me where my mother, my aunt and my sister once took up residence. I know
each of them are not physically with me, but are never the less a large part of
me, I’m made from them. Blood, bone and spirit. But my craving for their words
and touch are more pronounced now than any other time of the year. This is the
beautiful and tragic consequence of having the privilege to grow older. I know
now because of this, there are many others experiencing the same thing. During
this time of the year many dear people in the world are struggling and
everywhere they turn are reminded daily of their loss, their loneliness, while
at the same time trying desperately to be cheerful and joyous.
I celebrate Christmas this year in the hopes that I and many
others who share this common pain of loss and loneliness that we experience our
own birth of grace, of faith and beauty beyond beauty, of compassion and
understanding, of silence and serenity. As a time to take a refreshing plunge into
all the gifts of friendships, the closest
and even the most superficial, and offer refuge and comfort to anyone who needs
it.
Merry Christmas
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