Tuesday, October 2, 2012

when things go right

Much to my surprise yesterday shaped up to be a very productive day. In spite of lack of sleep I was able to muster up quite a bit of energy and first thing after milking I hit the garden with my hoe and weeded several beds. I was feeling pretty good about things and so I thought, well I might as well get all the pieces to the new greenhouse laid out, and before I knew it, I had the thing squared, four posts pounded in and all the hoops put together. Holla! I actually think I can get the rest of the posts in today. I love when this happens. What makes this even more phenomenal is I got a 30 minute nap in after lunch! and and ...I was fed and in bed by 9pm! ROCK ON!

Some times things go right. Actually most of the time they do, but when I'm off track I feel it more acutely. I walk a fine line, I know I do. I survive on very little, very well but I have no cushion, no room for failure. so when failure comes and it does it hurts a little more and it forces me to look hard at whats going on. Seems the easiest thing for me to do is to beat myself up, go through all the self tormenting. The hard part is to sit in quiet and breathe. I go with whats familiar. I'm slowly making progress in that area.

Days like yesterday renew my sense of faith in myself, especially when I accomplish something I didn't think I could. I'm always surprising myself. When I'm not scared. I can really focus and become my work, but I get scared sometimes. I worry.  I suppose a little of that is good for a person and I'll take a healthy helping, but the feeling I have right now, the feeling that I can do it, is a feeling that must be close to flying. I just need to stop worrying that in any moment I'm going to smack into a plate glass window.

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