I’ve been trying to find a way to find comfort in this month. I’ve been trying hard to find my place in it, one where I too can feel the warmth of the sacred fire amongst my friends and family. But sadly this month has brought out the opposite in me for many years. It’s a time of year that I haven’t always felt connected with my family, and I would worry about my defects and my imperfections, and until the death of my sister there was a wedge between myself and my kin folk due to my emotional response to what I perceived their response and their judgment to my life path was. Until recently I guarded myself from the judgment I expected to receive, the teasing and what I felt was their emotional paralysis.
I dreaded Christmas not just because I felt it was based on lies and deception but because I felt it was when I was most exposed. Really what I was trying to protect myself from was seeing and celebrating my own imperfections and flounders and just dealing with it. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve made poor choices. I’ve also done some things and have experienced peace, joy and beauty of epic measures. Something shifted in me once my sister became ill. I didn’t care what my family thought of me. It just happened, I didn’t even try. It just fell off my experience just like that. Somehow through my sisters illness and death I accepted myself good, bad, ugly and beautiful and not only my family but everyone I come across, suddenly I had this great sense of what they see is what they get and if they don’t like it too bad! but not in an arrogant way in a truthful with myself way. It was a profound shift in the way I saw myself and my worthiness of love and respect.
I think many people go through this and I guess it’s just a coming of age thing where one day we wake up and are introduced to ourselves. Hi this is who I am, this is what I’ve done, this is what I want to do and I hope we can fine some peace with each other. I know we’ll have some rough times ahead and some joyful ones too but I’m gonna stop treating you like shit and calling you names and telling you that everyone thinks you’re a firkin loser cause I know now you’re not. And I know I’ve told you over and over again you’re as ugly as sin but when I look at you in the mirror right now with your new eye wrinkles and the wrinkles around your mouth from all that smiling and laughing you like to do, I see now that you are really beautiful, and I’m glad you made those choices you did that got us into trouble cause we’re better because of them.
When I was reading this morning about Winter Solstice I had to admit December is a dark time. Scientifically speaking that is. Ancient farmers knew it, animals knew it, trees and flower know it. So why shouldn’t it be the same with the world with-in us. One page I was reading this morning said “This is a natural time for letting go and saying farewell. Release your resentments and regrets into the darkness, knowing they will be transformed.” After December 21st the light comes, and with it a new season of opportunity, growth and love.