a little farm update

It’s been a while since I posted. It seems like when the farm gets this busy, writing is the first thing that falls to the way side even though it’s almost just as important as breathing. For me, even though I know my writing often needs some serious help, it is a way to send things; experiences, joy and traumas away so they don’t keep rolling around in my head. It’s the pressure release valve. Just seeing words flow out also helps me think of things in a different way. Sometimes in just writing things down I come up with solutions and new ideas.

It’s like spring here. Fall is a very good growing season in Oklahoma.  When things should be dying and resting for winter I plant radishes, turnips, kale, chard, arugula, lettuce, boc choy, tatsoi, mustard and broccoli rabbe. It may be fall and it may be time to let go, let things die, sleep and rest but eating and feeding people is a driving force stronger than slumber. Even still, this time of year my internal calendar is slowing and letting go of the seasons before. It’s a quieter time, still very busy, but more reflective. 

Over the next several days the last of my planting will be complete. This will be the greenhouses that will be harvested in late December into March. I have a lot out in the field that will carry us until then. But planting will soon be over until February when it will begin again. Winter months are harvest months. Along with all that we are making steps to prepare for winter. Cutting wood has risen to nearly the top of the list, winterizing the yurt, the barns and generally making sure we are all, animal and human safe, warm and sound through a possible bad winter. 

We’ve had an excellent spring and summer, the best so far. The last of the farm table dinners for the season was last Saturday and along with a great relief that I survived it I’m also feeling a great sense of relief and excitement about the future. Like wow I just might be able to get good at this farming thing. But I know better than to test that theory. I’ll stay firmly planted in the beginners mind, more exciting that way!

This is the new greenhouse that I will be planting today. I’ve been a very busy girl!

when things go right

Much to my surprise yesterday shaped up to be a very productive day. In spite of lack of sleep I was able to muster up quite a bit of energy and first thing after milking I hit the garden with my hoe and weeded several beds. I was feeling pretty good about things and so I thought, well I might as well get all the pieces to the new greenhouse laid out, and before I knew it, I had the thing squared, four posts pounded in and all the hoops put together. Holla! I actually think I can get the rest of the posts in today. I love when this happens. What makes this even more phenomenal is I got a 30 minute nap in after lunch! and and ...I was fed and in bed by 9pm! ROCK ON!

Some times things go right. Actually most of the time they do, but when I'm off track I feel it more acutely. I walk a fine line, I know I do. I survive on very little, very well but I have no cushion, no room for failure. so when failure comes and it does it hurts a little more and it forces me to look hard at whats going on. Seems the easiest thing for me to do is to beat myself up, go through all the self tormenting. The hard part is to sit in quiet and breathe. I go with whats familiar. I'm slowly making progress in that area.

Days like yesterday renew my sense of faith in myself, especially when I accomplish something I didn't think I could. I'm always surprising myself. When I'm not scared. I can really focus and become my work, but I get scared sometimes. I worry.  I suppose a little of that is good for a person and I'll take a healthy helping, but the feeling I have right now, the feeling that I can do it, is a feeling that must be close to flying. I just need to stop worrying that in any moment I'm going to smack into a plate glass window.

upon further reflection

The weather is changing and fast. I'm running now to keep up. The last few days I have not been able to sleep and have been feeling pretty stressed out. Saturday I couldn't sleep because I was stressed out about money. Was I going to have enough this winter? how was I going to pay for the rest of the hay I need ? will the greenhouse be put up in time? Last night it was fire wood and repairs that need to be made to the yurt before cold weather sets in, as I woke up shivering. During my sit this morning I felt hypothermic (at 51 degrees) and felt like crying! Aghhhhhh!

Stress ugly unrelenting stress. The kind of stress that only a good friend or sweet heart can talk you down from. Stress that disobeys logic and reason, that kind of stress. The question of survival stress. okay do you get it? ....... STRESS!!!!

I always manage to make it. I'll be okay. things will be tight, tough and cooler but I'll be fine. I'll be fed and safe and loved and those are the fruits to survive on. Wood will eventually get cut, repairs will eventually get made and things will all get done. Its October 1st. I am alive. Yes alive and well.