tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20354520086128345612024-03-13T11:16:58.587-05:00Living on this farmThe meanderings of an accidental farmerLisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02258841354856813410noreply@blogger.comBlogger440125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2035452008612834561.post-1324215803781511822017-12-28T14:35:00.000-06:002017-12-28T14:35:01.815-06:00I'm Back Two years later........and now I have to learn how to blog again. When I started there were no IPhone apps or remote bla bla blas. So this will be fun. Last night I asked my wife, if blogging was dead? Should I even make the effort? her answer wasn't really a yes or a no. That's her way of being on the fence about it like me but wanting to give me an answer anyway. <br />
<br />
The thing is, it's winter now. and after a very long and hard and wonderful season of farm stuff, its time to go into the cave. Its a time for reflection, and contemplation. Mental and emotional unpacking. I've got a lot to unpack. So whether anyone reads this or not is beside the point. With the season and the year coming to an end, I feel full or words.Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02258841354856813410noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2035452008612834561.post-62967490075167040332015-01-08T10:56:00.000-06:002015-01-08T10:56:04.487-06:00its all about the weather..<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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wrapped around and around over my mouth and nose then the wool hat then hood of
coat pulled over. Only eyes showing. Then the gloves. Which hardly seem to
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cauliflower, broccoli, and radicchio. That’s the first round then after the 14<sup>th</sup>
of February tomato seeds are started then pepper, then eggplant, fennel, and so
on. And every year I have the same thrilling excitement, even though I know
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hardly contain myself! So I won’t, I am bursting at the seams here! It’s fair
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summer, fall and winter! Kind of an awesome way to live I think. I’m trying not
to think of the challenges I might face, the losses, the failures. At least
right now I just want to enjoy the feeling of this new jewel of opportunity.
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Now if you will excuse me I have 20 pounds of clothing to
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Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02258841354856813410noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2035452008612834561.post-63499402013286423002014-12-29T11:32:00.000-06:002014-12-29T11:32:57.682-06:00I love <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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I love a piping hot bowl of oatmeal especially on a freezing
morning like this one. I take mine with about a quarter stick of butter, some
honey and a dribble or two of half and half, more preferably goat milk when the
girls are fresh. Two poached eggs always served with this breakfast, keeps the
hunger from coming too soon. I also love coming in after morning chores fingers
stiff and cold in spite of gloved hands warming up next to a blazing fire. And
while I’m talking about morning chores I love the quiet witness to the sunrise,
which this morning happened to be spectacular!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Sometimes I think the sun bears witness to us as much as we do to it and
that would make sense considering our regularity toward each other. I think its as glad to see me as I am to see it. Sometimes
and especially over the last few weeks it’s been cloudy but regardless I know
what lies behind the clouds and so do the animals I’ll be serving breakfast to
and that too, I love.</div>
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And while I’m talking about things I love; I love devouring
a good book, fiction or non, I’ll eat it up! It’s the only time of the year I
can lay in bed for as long as I wish and dive in. And walks, I love walks! I’m profoundly
blessed with miles of trails just outside my doorstep. Quiet crisp winter walks,
four big white dogs leading the way and clearing out any dangers that may await
me. Also I love those dogs, My LSG’s livestock guardians, taking care of the
goats and the chickens and the round heads of the farm. But while I’m talking
about dogs there are three other dogs that don’t necessarily take care of
anything or serve any great purpose other than dedicated companionship. I love
cuddles on cold winter nights.</div>
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And as I’ve mentioned round heads I love being married to
one. Up until two years ago I’ve rejoiced and celebrated countless other
marriages and catered a fair share of them too, always to know that this was a
gift and a privilege that would be withheld from me for reasons I accepted but
could not understand. I learned to be happy for others, but always felt not quite equal and this difference separated us deeply, and never did
most even give it a second thought. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
convinced myself it didn’t matter, my relationship was solid in love! it didn’t
require the blessing of law and a community I didn't even know. But I was wrong it did matter, more than
I could have ever imagined. I treat my vows and my marriage like the most
precious thing on this earth.</div>
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I love Tea, after breakfast sitting in silence just drinking
tea. Slowly. I consider each step from bringing the water up to temp, to
scooping the leaves, steeping and finally pouring and drinking a contemplative
practice. Sometimes I’m on a cushion or sitting in a chair looking out to the goat
pasture and pond. Tea is wonderful and I love it! I love my friends, once
strangers now indispensable. Our long talks on the phone, laughing, complaining,
gossiping and making plans that will change the world (for the better)! And I
love my small but lovely family. Distance does make the heart grow fonder and I
miss them. I love the sound ducks make as they fly off of the pond as I walk by and I love watching how still the Grey Heron stands ready at the edge.</div>
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When I wake in the wee hours I love the monkey like screams of the barred owls and the shrill calls of the coyote packs running through the pastures, woods and fields when the goats and chickens are safe in their barns. I love vegetables! from seed to plate. I love growing them,
taking care of them and then eating them or preparing them for others. No
greater gift I can give than to feed someone and I love feeding people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I love the sound of my sharp hoe as it slices through weeds and grass. I
love the sight of a thriving garden.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I spend a lot
of time by myself, sometimes I get lonely, but I love solitude. </div>
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There are so many things to love! When I first embarked on
this journey 11 years ago I gave up a lot of what I would call creature
comforts. I never would have imagined missing a bathtub so much! or living
in a house that was bug and dirt free, or having coffee shops and antique
stores just blocks away. But in leaving that life behind I realize that we
never seem to know what we really have until it’s gone. Now, all the things
I’ve come to love so completely are so simple and never does a day go by when
I take for granted the things I have today, no matter how less valuable they might have seemed in years past. The experiences, the things I see and witness,
the milestones, all accepted with humble gratitude. </div>
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If I were to go back to my old life in a big city I think my
heart would be broken and my soul would ache. I would have a big bathtub and have
nicer clothes and a steady job with a steady pay check, I wouldn’t count my
jar of change in January to buy a few staples, (I bought flour with dimes once) And I’d have a TV and broadband. I
wouldn’t have lists that included; 'cut fire wood' or 'fix fence'. I’d be protected
always from the elements, except when I decided to go skiing or sun bathing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></div>
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I would be miserable. </div>
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<br /></div>
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I love with all of my heart my life, and as long as I have
the privilege to live it I’ll treat it like the most precious thing on this
earth.</div>
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<br /></div>
Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02258841354856813410noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2035452008612834561.post-83800096625343713562014-12-24T10:47:00.000-06:002014-12-24T10:47:24.258-06:00A Christmas story....sort of<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-w5TPsWUrDVA/VJrrcFXg_aI/AAAAAAAABSo/aE5j75fZMfo/s1600/nativity.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-w5TPsWUrDVA/VJrrcFXg_aI/AAAAAAAABSo/aE5j75fZMfo/s1600/nativity.jpg" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Christmas used to be a big deal for me, for all the obvious
reasons, more drinking, more eating, gift giving and receiving and time spent
with family (which would inevitably lead to more drinking). As I was growing up
my family’s tradition for many years was a gathering on Christmas Eve, a big
dinner, and then gift opening. On Christmas day my mother and I would go to a
movie and then Chinese food, which was my favorite! As all of us kids grew older
gift giving got smaller, the reality of economics. There was no pretending for
us any more, we were all trying to make a living, and we needed to make
Christmas more special for the now new little ones in our mists. Remember the
first time you realized on your own you were too old to go trick or treating?
instead you graduate to chaperone. Hard pill to swallow and now for Christmas
you’re no longer sitting at the kids table which you felt as though you didn’t
belong in the first place, but with that rite of passage come sacrifice. You’re
a big kid now. Forever.</div>
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<br /></div>
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As a consequence of growing older things start changing.
First it was my Uncle who died suddenly, and then it was my aunt who fell and
shattered her hip and was changed forever, but then my niece moved away, and my
mother began to show severe signs of Alzheimer's, finally I moved away and then
my sister was diagnosed with cancer and passed<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>two years after my mother. The drama of making it a “normal” Christmas became
unbearable. Our family dynamic was thrown out of its orbit. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Returning home to
be with my family became harder, financially yes, but to leave the farm during
the winter became another great pillar of stress. The last time I was in
Seattle for Christmas we had a blizzard in Oklahoma. Linda was alone on the
farm and we ended up losing two of our bucks. It was our first winter on the
farm and it was devastating. I vowed never to travel during these months. The
trauma still haunts us. Most people who live in cities can’t imagine what
living on a rural farm during a huge storm can be like. All of the animals, the
power, the stress of losing everything, not a good time to travel.</div>
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<br /></div>
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When I moved to Oklahoma I tried to create my own Christmas
tradition but it just wasn’t the same. It was empty, desperately lonely and
joyless. So I gave up Christmas, even starting hating it, almost to the point
of being an anti-theist. (that’s another story) When I met Linda things slowly shifted.
I began looking at Christmas from a more spiritual contemplative point of view.
We began our own tradition of spending Christmas Eve with friends who became
our family, and Christmas day at the movies! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For Linda and I, no more tree, or decorations,
we generally don’t give gifts although a few gestures are made. The gift that
we share is quiet, is loving and peaceful.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Full of deep contemplation and finally yes Joy! This time of year is
when we take a sacred inventory of how we’ve served, how we managed. More about
Christ less about mas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Both of us have
been on long personal journeys trying to make sense of it all.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Christmas is still hard for me, I won’t lie. I know I am
loved and have wonderful people in my life and I’m so very happy for those
around me celebrating each in their own way, but there is an undeniable emptiness
within me where my mother, my aunt and my sister once took up residence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know
each of them are not physically with me, but are never the less a large part of
me, I’m made from them. Blood, bone and spirit. But my craving for their words
and touch are more pronounced now than any other time of the year. This is the
beautiful and tragic consequence of having the privilege to grow older. I know
now because of this, there are many others experiencing the same thing. During
this time of the year many dear people in the world are struggling and
everywhere they turn are reminded daily of their loss, their loneliness, while
at the same time trying desperately to be cheerful and joyous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I celebrate Christmas this year in the hopes that I and many
others who share this common pain of loss and loneliness that we experience our
own birth of grace, of faith and beauty beyond beauty, of compassion and
understanding, of silence and serenity. As a time to take a refreshing plunge into
all the gifts of friendships, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>the closest
and even the most superficial, and offer refuge and comfort to anyone who needs
it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Merry Christmas </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02258841354856813410noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2035452008612834561.post-18793129925388771702014-12-11T09:55:00.000-06:002014-12-11T09:55:46.087-06:00Laying the ground work<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3MIlJY08tL4/VIm9rScpOLI/AAAAAAAABSQ/K-dF5UyOJxY/s1600/winter_grass_by_silverartmax-d36pl5a.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-3MIlJY08tL4/VIm9rScpOLI/AAAAAAAABSQ/K-dF5UyOJxY/s1600/winter_grass_by_silverartmax-d36pl5a.jpg" height="196" width="320" /></a></div>
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As the old silver barn project comes to a close, (hopefully
by Sunday the milk goats will be chomping down on hay and settling in to their
new posh digs) I’m acutely aware of the next tasks that lay ahead, The garden.
Yes, soon I’ll be starting onion seeds, celery, then broccoli cauliflower and
then tomato, pepper, and eggplant by mid-February.</div>
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<br /></div>
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So winter, as it is a time of rest it’s also a time to lay
the groundwork for the spring and summer months, the months which produce 90%
of the farm’s entire year income. So yea, there a little bit riding on this.
But I always enjoy this time. It’s a time hope sprouts ideas and visa versa. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I sleep in a little, linger in the fire warmth
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I’m still trying to figure things out though. I’m constantly
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challenge is catching it fast enough and being willing to change. To let go of
how or what I thought was going to work. This coming year my single biggest and
most important task is to gain a greater understanding of my soil.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know it’s all in the soil! Sometimes this
soil fools me and leaves me scratching my head in confusion. I do know this; the
soil on this land is very depleted of nutrients, everywhere. The drainage and erosion
are problems. So I’m dealing with a kid that has a lot of problems that stretch
back to many years of misuse and neglect. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And here I am as best I can with very limited resources
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve had one person insist, I’m just not harnessing the soil and the landscape’s
potential, but they have never farmed a day in their life, only read books and stories
and seen a few u-tube videos, so of course they have the answers. They’ve never
stayed in a place long enough to listened to what the land is asking for, and
watched the ebb and flow of the seasons. The changes of temperature and rain
fall amounts over the years. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because
things change year after year, nothing ever is the same one year from the
next.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Except for the hours of daylight
throughout the seasons and the earth’s rotation. (as far as I know at least).
For several years we might have sopping wet springs and very dry falls so we
learn how to adapt, then once we do we are then faced with several years of dry
springs and wet falls. Go figure. The only way to have a sense of resolve is to
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So we brush the dust off our bones from the last season and
start again with a renewed sense of hope, of excitement and dreams. And
although we feel relaxed about things now we know there are storms ahead. No
denying it. There will be miserable days in the cold, miserable days in the
heat, but we’ll continue to push our limits and our strategy for staying alive
and well for as long as we have the privilege to do so, because we’ve seen the miraculous
days and the gratifying days and the days filled with joy and this knowledge is
the nutrients we need to grow and that’s how it works.</div>
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<br /></div>
Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02258841354856813410noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2035452008612834561.post-26944402814541374902014-12-10T09:30:00.000-06:002014-12-10T09:30:45.640-06:00Little progress, big dreams<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6hTqkfF4Z_Y/VIhlkXxmgiI/AAAAAAAABRs/zbwhh8C2cck/s1600/barn1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6hTqkfF4Z_Y/VIhlkXxmgiI/AAAAAAAABRs/zbwhh8C2cck/s1600/barn1.jpg" height="214" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Okay so I have dreams, This is what I want my barn to somehow transform into but slow progress is being made on the old silver barn. It’s
older than I thought. The slats that keep the thin corrugated metal sheets from
caving in are warped badly and putting extra support beams in will require
taking the old ones out and starting over which now gets a little more
complicated, considering the height. A little above my skill level now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One side is really not that bad so I can let
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I currently have. So yea, the wheels are turning. But a short term fix is
underway.<br />
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Right now I’m cleaning up around the outside, if the inside
wasn’t bad enough. As I do this I’m faced with this image of a junk collector
that must live here. Jeez why was I saving this? What was I going to do with
this piece of rotted wood anyway? I’m no hoarder just a sweep it under the
carpet, shove it in a closest, or put it under a tarp kind of gal so then it
just becomes part of the landscape. Okay no more of that! Seriously, those days
are over. As a matter of fact the huge pile of baling wire is going to the
metal recyclers this week! There is just the tiniest bid of anxiety that comes
with separating with the coveted baling wire, which holds more things together
around here than I care to reveal. But I have at least 100 more bales of hay to
recoup my losses.</div>
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I’m kind of in a little bit of a hurry. Not rushing things
because I really do want to do this right, but its December and the weather can
go either way. A snow storm could really thwart my efforts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the weather has been rather agreeable. Go
figure. But I’ve lived here for a time now and I know better to think this
mildness will continue and I want the dairy goats tucked away in a safe warm
place. The sooner the better! Plus there are other projects to get too. </div>
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I do take some pride in the fact that 12 years ago I didn’t
even own a screwdriver. I think about the things I know how to do now and it
makes me smile. I always kind of had that DIY spirit, I’ve tiled and changed a
thermostat and replaced a toilet seat. But the level of my carpenter skills
have risen from nonexistent to just crappy, but in a pinch crappy will do just
fine! Every year I get a little better. Thanks to U Tube I can change the oil
in the tractor and a lot of other things. I really am so grateful for the
internet. I’ve come a long way. If they could see me now! </div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0URI3b2HACg/VIhmMEeSsBI/AAAAAAAABR8/35mGwZKJPNg/s1600/barn3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-0URI3b2HACg/VIhmMEeSsBI/AAAAAAAABR8/35mGwZKJPNg/s1600/barn3.jpg" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02258841354856813410noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2035452008612834561.post-58851985890056805312014-12-09T09:07:00.001-06:002014-12-09T09:07:42.924-06:00Three crows<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NKExG-qt7uY/VIcPJjFOAvI/AAAAAAAABRc/EzHhEPX6hXg/s1600/5916176314_d5a383fb81_z.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-NKExG-qt7uY/VIcPJjFOAvI/AAAAAAAABRc/EzHhEPX6hXg/s1600/5916176314_d5a383fb81_z.jpg" height="204" width="320" /></a></div>
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It takes time to get to know a place. I really haven’t had
the privilege to stay long enough in one place to say I really knew it. I’ve
lived here on this farm for five and a half years now. I know a lot about it, but I keep learning surprising new things. Now I know the farm is always three
to four degrees colder than what the weather sites report and I know that plot
1 is prone to frost. This is important information that only comes from
observance over several seasons. I know which way the wind blows in the upper
and lower fields not at all like plot 1 which is protected by a line of large
cedars and also lies flat in a shallow valley which explains the frost. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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East to west pointed greenhouses logically hold up against
the north and south winds at least in plot 1 but in plot 2 not so much they
might be off a few degrees which means they get beat to shit by the high winds
rushing over the pasture. Something I would never had guests upon surveying the
best place for three large greenhouses that now require a lot more repairs and
sturdiness. The coldest part of the day in the winter is just after sunrise and
in the summer the hottest part of the day is 4-6 pm. The persimmon trees leaf
out last in the spring and drop their leaves the first in the fall. Every year
I worry that they’ve all died then suddenly they burst with life!</div>
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Aside from all the intentional critters on the farm like the
goats, sheep, llamas, chickens, dogs and cats, I’m beginning to get to know the
other animals that we share this land with like the coyote that has learned to
bark like a dog, the occasional bobcat, owls, possums, raccoons, ducks, deer,
cranes and occasionally geese. Of course there are rabbits and more species of
birds than I can count and the three crows. </div>
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There are three crows I see practically every day, at least
that’s what I suspect. The truth is I never gave them much thought and it never
occurred to me that the three crows this morning were the same three crows last
week and even last month. But why not? I don’t really think I have a way to
tell but their presence just keeps becoming more familiar and they don’t fly
off as fast as they used to when I approach. This morning they waited until I
was the closest I had ever been to them and it’s not even like they rushed off.
It was more like hop hop hop fly a little further away, like they have a
specified distance requirement. Okay I won’t argue with that I just acted like
it was no big deal and went on my way. Maybe I look like a different human
every day. All us humans probably look the same to them.</div>
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The three crows I see visiting the chickens. I watch with my
binoculars from the kitchen window wondering what they are up to. Then they
just fly off and I forget about it. But they are always around. I bet if I went
outside right now they would be in the garden poking around in the fresh tilled
soil. Linda once read an article on crows and turns out they will “adopt “a
flock of chickens they’ve become accustom to seeing. They will even chase hawks
away, which I have seen with my very own eyes. I think by the looks of things this
morning they may have adopted us too. To a degree that is.</div>
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Crows are brilliant little creatures. I hear them holding
court and I wonder what they might be talking about. There are more crows on
the farm than these three but these ones must have position of ambassadors, the
others I hear but rarely see.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They can
be loud. So now I’ve met the neighbors. After years of just passing them by
with not even a wave of acknowledgement, how shameful. I’ll be paying much
better attention from now on.</div>
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<br /></div>
Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02258841354856813410noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2035452008612834561.post-60790939566085661312014-12-08T10:14:00.000-06:002014-12-08T10:14:51.266-06:00ROUTINE 1 a : a regular course of procedure <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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You know what I love more than anything? Routine. I love
having a routine. I don’t just like it I love it! I love waking up in the
morning, not that I know what’s going to happen, rather just knowing exactly
what I’m going to do. Even if something interrupts that process I can handle it,
no biggie because I still know what comes next. Now, I understand routine and
monotony are obviously not even in the same ball park here right? So, I’m not
saying I Loooove to dredge through life making the same movements day after day
after bloody day, but…. Hey for some that might be okay I can even think of occasions
I would relish such a life, more truthfully a day or at best a week. But that’s
just how I tick.</div>
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<br /></div>
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My whole life before farming was made up of a series of
methodical routine. Come to work, unlock the door, turn alarm off, turn lights
on, turn ovens on, and turn hood on. Check phone messages, receive produce
order, study prep list, execute prep list, set up station, open for dinner,
cook orders, clean up and then reverse the beginning, lights off, alarm set,
door locked.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So on and so on for twenty
eight or so years! This is a pretty loose generalization but you get the
picture. Then I get myself tossed onto a farm in Oklahoma of all the wonderful
places in the world, and it’s like getting hired as the captain of a cruise
ship and my only qualification is I know how to swim, but never the less I take
all of it as serious as a heart attack, right. Act like I know what I’m doing
in spite of getting tossed about. “Where do we keep the steering wheel in this
place?” I ask.</div>
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<br /></div>
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No, I love routine! The alarm goes off, the coffee is
poured, the social media is checked, the journal is written in, thoughts are
attended to, the body is stretched, the lungs are filled and emptied, then
light starts to creep in and I pull on my work pants, the ones I don’t mind
having chicken shit smeared on, bundle up a bit, slide my feet into my muck
boots and I know exactly what to do next. I don’t stand up look in the mirror awe
stuck and b’haggled (I made that word up) and ask myself “What should I do
first?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(for the record, I’ve done
exactly that for more years than I am able to admit).</div>
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<br /></div>
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So I wonder sometimes is this not okay? Is this a gateway
into monotony? Should I do something else like take another path to the chicken
house? Or feed the dogs first before the goats or the goats first and then the
chickens and then the dogs? Or should I eat breakfast before chores today and
after chores tomorrow? And the cats? When should I….<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>See?! Never does it occur to me that it
doesn’t matter. It does matter because now I’m out of my head. I’m not
uncomfortable. I’m not trying to make decisions. Shoot, as I’m writing, it has
just occurred to me that I’m putting way to much thought into this.</div>
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<br /></div>
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But really, finally finding this routine has its benefits.
It helps me focus. When there is always so much to do I have a real problem
with getting side tracked. One thing I have tried is to make a little promise
to myself that I will finish a project before I start a new one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I finish with a job I’ll pack it up and
put tools back and clean up after. You can’t believe what a challenge this has
been. This is because I get 98.2% done and then something happens somewhere
else, a pipe breaks or there’s a blow out in the irrigation, etc. It’s always something.
So I say….”I’ll be right back” yup, exactly. This is a very bad habit but I’m
giving it the old college try to overcome. </div>
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<br /></div>
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So having a routine helps me start and finish something
completely. 100% it feels good; it feels like an accomplishment even though I
kind of feel like it shouldn’t. When you’re just putting your clothes on its
not really an accomplishment to be dressed is it? There’s a higher bar I think
to what can be called accomplishment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
know there are the exceptions but at this point in my life I’m not qualified
for that exception. In 30 years maybe (if I should be so lucky).</div>
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<br /></div>
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It’s the off season. Now is when the big projects happen. (Like
the new dairy barn) Project time begins after morning chores, breakfast and tea
and writing time. (I get a lot done before 9am)They can change like the wind
and this can get me in trouble sometimes so it takes a lot of work to stay on
task even when other projects are seductively winking every time I walk by.
“Don’t you just want to work on me for an hour or so?” they ask.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Oh it’s so tempting! But… no! The rule is;
finish the job. Put the tools away. Clean up the job site. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dust off and enjoy the benefits and
satisfaction that comes with project completion! </div>
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<br /></div>
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So, I’m grateful for my routine, grateful for the comfort it
offers me in exchange for unfetter freedom that I generally wouldn’t know what
to do with anyway. I feel taken care of.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s the few hours each day that I feel like I’m standing on solid
ground. Not that I expect or have any illusion of said solid ground, it’s just
nice not to be looking for the steering wheel. </div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02258841354856813410noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2035452008612834561.post-42778610534997486962014-12-04T07:52:00.000-06:002014-12-04T07:52:01.322-06:00Dark meanderings<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-HK0StVwtykE/VIBl5hy28NI/AAAAAAAABRM/W9RDVg3Y2pk/s1600/001.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-HK0StVwtykE/VIBl5hy28NI/AAAAAAAABRM/W9RDVg3Y2pk/s1600/001.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
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It’s already seven O’clock in the morning and it’s still too
dark to see enough to start my morning animal chores, I’ll wait till just
enough light allows me to see the details. The sky is dark and cold with clouds
and a light drizzle floats and covers everything, it feels kind of good. Today
will be another cloudy dark day. I miss the sun. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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This time of year the pace is different, there is still a
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winter in five years I haven’t offered a CSA, that’s nice, it’s allowed me to
spend time on all the things that usually pile up and frustrate the dickens out
of me because I see clearly that things need to get un- piled but don’t have
the precious time to do so. So this is pretty sweet. I’m broke but the
satisfaction that comes with the precious allowance of time is remarkable.
Projects actually have a chance of completion. This half done business is
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I’ve noticed something pretty cool as I was kind of
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disorder although I haven’t really looked into it at any depth or length, I
just get weird, not depressed just real dark, melancholy. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The worst time for me is between the hours of 4:30pm
and dark after that I’m fine. Maybe because that’s when all the lights go on, I
exist in an artificial environment. Heck I don’t know I’ve been living with
this for the past twenty years I think. And can you imagine I once lived in
Seattle. The difference is between those terrible hours I was in a brightly
lit kitchen prepping for the dinner rush. Most of my hours were spent throughout
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The animals feel it too, maybe I’m reading too much into it,
but it’s a mysterious time of year, So much of the visual landscape changes and
the colors are quieter and look lonely. It’s a time for dropping leaves, and
going dormant. It’s the time for centering on what’s beneath and inside. It’s
hard for us heart pounding animals. Even the birds change a little. It’s hard
to succumb to the necessary and inevitable, like nap time for a three year old.
Once they give up the fight they are out like a light. I need to find my place
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<br /></div>
Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02258841354856813410noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2035452008612834561.post-64924247602377655012014-12-03T08:39:00.001-06:002014-12-03T08:39:31.632-06:00The old silver barn<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The old silver barn, that’s what we call it. Anyone who has
visited the farm is immediately accosted by its well…appearance which then
tells a story that this aint no storybook farm it’s a real Oklahoma farm! trashy
out buildings and all. Maybe to some its punk rock, I dunno know, but if you
could see what’s in it you would just move on as quickly as you could. It’s the
catch all barn at least it has been. Old drip tape, scrap lumber, scrap
everything, a kind of graveyard where stuff doesn’t die it just waits to be
used. You get the picture; add that with a bunch of cats makes for an
interesting back wood visual.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Free hugs
anyone? You know that place way out in the middle of nowhere on a long lonely
road to nowhere, where your car just happens to run out of gas? But anyway…….put
up the chainsaws that’s about to change!</div>
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<br /></div>
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This old barn is old, I can tell from the layers of scrap
tin used to make repairs. One side of the roof caved in a couple of winters ago
due to a heavy snow load. This place needs some help and the deal is I have
very limited financial resources but a hella a lot of creative will so I’ll be
working with much of what I have.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
barn will be the “new” home for our milk goats. We are at a point that some
changes needed to be made with our herd management plan and after a lot and I
mean a lot of hemming and hawing Linda and I finally broke open to a solution,
and what makes this so amazing is that if we play our cards right eventually we
could, if we wanted to, become a grade A goat dairy. But we’re taking it slow.
We’ve been down this road before. But I believe the universe right this second
is conspiring to help us.</div>
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So the project has begun, all the junk –in- waiting has made
its exit. Which already has created some anxiety “what if I need that… that
piece of thing?” I stayed strong and piled everything up and made a nice hall
to the landfill which is probably why the stuff was hidden away to begin with. That
place is a very upsetting reminder of the accumulation of…. gosh I can’t even
find a good word to use. So as I move forward I’ll be think about that landfill
and perhaps turning away the next “free shit” I run across.</div>
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-g3IDv2KK7S0/VH8dxUX3QXI/AAAAAAAABQ0/x31ZtD5C6Gk/s1600/012.JPG" height="240" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="320" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Free hugs? yea, its pretty ugly. But it has potential, right?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-rFc30LyZBIQ/VH8d0TqEQ2I/AAAAAAAABQ8/L-Q9RrdgCZY/s1600/013.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-rFc30LyZBIQ/VH8d0TqEQ2I/AAAAAAAABQ8/L-Q9RrdgCZY/s1600/013.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-g3IDv2KK7S0/VH8dxUX3QXI/AAAAAAAABQ0/x31ZtD5C6Gk/s1600/012.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> </a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Someone did put some creative touches into it with the aliens.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Yes it is a work in progress. I'm pretty excited to see what I can do with this old hunk! I'll keep you posted. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02258841354856813410noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2035452008612834561.post-31969103926297966962014-12-02T10:04:00.000-06:002014-12-02T10:04:53.441-06:00Meanwhile back at the blog....Has it really been eight months?<br />
<br />
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Over the last several weeks I have felt a strong desire to
write. It could be the pace of the farm has slowed which enables me to ponder
and think about things in a less hurried way or it could be some things I’ve
been macerating on have finally run its course. I’ve neglected the blog for
some time, mostly because it’s hard to dissect the things that go on into readable
sentences. I become self-conscience and worry that I’m being a narcissist
thinking anyone would be interested about reading MY day to day experiences on
this farm, or that I will be called out on being a terrible writer, and maybe all
of that is true, but the drive to write is too strong to resist right now and if
I say “later, I’ll write it down later”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Well, poof it’s gone. <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></div>
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<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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I have this same relationship to social media, using the
Facebook and twitter. It’s helped spread the word about the farm so much so I
think I might actually make a real go of it. But I stammer and hide when it
comes to posting personal stuff and by that I mean things that I feel really
confused by like a death in my farm family of animals or illness, or
insecurity, vulnerability, or even happiness and success. I don’t want to sound
too happy or too terrified or too tragic but it seems it’s always one or the
other.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Lately there has been a lot of happiness, a lot of
contentment and peace. I’ve been able to step back and take a look at some farm
situations that needed<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>attention and
focus to make changes that would make big improvements to the day to day. Also
I’ve just come from a week long vacation, which is a ground breaking feat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>New York City couldn’t be further from the farm
and that’s where I was! In the middle of Manhattan.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can hardly believe it myself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was fabulous! that being said, I was
incredibly grateful to come back home. I have a pretty amazing life that not for
one nano second I take for granted. But it was a nice, much needed break, that for once didn't involve sitting cross legged staring at the wall for 15 hours a day. </div>
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<br /></div>
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So what’s the point of this post ? I have no idea except to
be carried by this desire to get it down, get it out and cultivate my
meandering spirit again. I’m making no commitments but I am going to make the
effort.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is a lot of conversation
in my head going on right now about effort.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Once the conversation starts turning to discipline or commitment the fog
starts to come in. Why is this I wonder? Well it’s something I’m ready to
explore and push and prod at.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This
should be interesting.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02258841354856813410noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2035452008612834561.post-14147832738430617152014-04-08T08:14:00.002-05:002014-04-08T08:14:46.306-05:00Things come up<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Spring has most definitely sprung on the farm, typical warm
days and cool frosty mornings for this part of Oklahoma. Everything is going great
on the inside. I feel alive, rested and inspired, things couldn’t be better
that is except for: virtually no germination on the spinach beds, poor
germination on the beets and a rabbit or some critter has eaten ¼ of a bed of broccoli
and to top it off the tractor has been in the shop now for two weeks. I’m
officially behind. What does this mean? Mostly that I will miss an entire
succession of my spring plantings and go right to summer. It means spring will
be light and we’ll have to put more of our energy into summer and fall. But it
could be worse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I work hard on not
getting stuck in the problems. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Things come up, and when they do I have to decide right then
and there, how I’m going to spin this to myself. Am I going to blame, rant at
the sky, default to karma, or am I going to let things be as they are and try
to make the best out of an unfortunate occurrence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve gone back and forth on it really.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some moments I handle things better than
others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This morning was one of those
times I was able to do pretty well, I decided to go for an early very brisk
walk and it helped. Half way through, an idea sprung into my head. I’ll
re-plant!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Seems pretty obvious doesn’t it.
It’s not desirable but it’s a solution. </div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>I’ll get
through it with long brisk walks and humor.</div>
Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02258841354856813410noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2035452008612834561.post-3676066062895042502014-03-31T10:13:00.000-05:002014-03-31T10:13:21.523-05:00Burnout<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Its been nearly one year since my last post and I thought I would share something that happened to me not long after my last blog entry that’s very difficult to talk about.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Mostly because I've worked so hard to hide it. </span>I didn't know it then and it wasn't until last fall when I found myself
at my computer googleing <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>the word “Burnout”.
Looking closely, it appeared I had all the symptoms.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was hard for me to be enthusiastic about
anything to do with food or farming, the thought of even cooking dinner felt
like a root canal. Thinking about soil health, seedlings, the farmers market,
everything I loved was over demanding, overtaxing and downright dreadful. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I had just finished up a great season of Farm
Table Dinners, one of my best. I gave it my absolute all in spite of what felt
like a complete crumbling of my total existence. Many mornings I sat in deep
contemplation of my next move. Finally my plan was to just examine myself, to
shift my awareness to the reality of the present moment and not beyond and to
see what would happen. I would try not be attached to any outcome. If I had to give it up I would, but I didn't want to make any decisions quite yet.</div>
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Most of the commentary on the subject of overcoming *burnout*
states rest and a vacation as the best remedy, both inaccessible to me in my
current situation. Burnout is not to be mistaken for depression; even though I
had burnout I could still be very happy. I had a great life. An amazing
supportive spouse I’m madly in love with and good friends, by all appearances
happy. My work had just become simply unbearable. Which, my work was for the
most part the center of my very existence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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I started cooking when I was 14, it’s the only profession I
had ever known. In Seattle, my home town I had made a name for myself and there
11 years ago I believe is where this Burnout had planted its seed. When I was a
young chef my career seemed unstoppable. I experience an unprecedented amount
of success, but 11 years ago I had one epic fail, one that pulled the rug out
from under me and changed the course of my life. Watered by that failure, unknowingly
I was on a slow path that would take me eventually to a farm in Oklahoma, where
a perfect storm would produce a bumper crop of insecurity, fear, failure and
ultimately full blown burnout.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Everything I was in Seattle I wasn’t in Oklahoma. I had no real estate
in the community, no history, no roots, I was an outsider.</div>
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<br /></div>
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I found a place here where I seemed to fit in, but I’ve been
in between worlds, I was no longer a chef at the helm of a busy restaurant and
I hadn’t quite become a farmer either. I really had no identity and felt at
many times completely lost. Part of my problem was I kept trying to hang on the
old person I was, hanging on to that identity I had worked so hard to establish,
Clearly, I had a death grip on the past. Surly, I thought I am still that same
person with that same talent, however I didn’t trust myself. I wasn’t sure if I
even liked myself. Who was I now? what value did I have? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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My first few years in Oklahoma were the most challenging and
dishearten experience of my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anyone
in their right mind would have left, gone home. But I had nothing left there but
ashes, the ashes of my mother, my sister, the ashes of my success and the
suffocating ashes of my failure. I stayed in Oklahoma in spite of conditions.
But in the years to follow I managed to disassemble myself down to my very
cells, sometimes intentionally and sometimes simply by things I’ve
experienced.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I have experienced profound love and friendships
here and I must say the thing I cherish most about living here in Oklahoma are
the Oklahomans themselves, but I’ve settled into the fact, and have surrendered
to the truth that I am, and probably always will be an outsider.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But there is also a freedom in this, one that
I have just recently begun to recognize. Without an anchor I’m free to explore
the seas, without the kite string I can explore the skies. Without a place I am
everywhere. My exploration of food has no boundaries for the places it can take
us, even if the ingredients grow so close to us as if right against our own breast. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The skies have cleared for me. Thanks to another perfect
storm of events, one being a new farm partnership with a Tulsa restaurant, an
entire season of farm table dinners selling out in 24 hours, not to mention
three very enthusiastic interns coming on the farm for the season,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The “burnout” has run its course. It served a
very important roll. It took me apart, down to nothing, stripped me of
everything I believed, made me wrong, made me simple, made me empty.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I surrendered. I'm never going to fit into any box. I'm always going to be rouge and outside of the norm and now that I'm not trying, I am finally free. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can’t wait to be in my kitchen, my lab, my
studio. I can’t wait to puck the earth of her offerings, creating without
boundaries, without limits, without inhibition.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Untethered, clean, empty and lovingly sharing with you. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I'm back! </div>
Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02258841354856813410noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2035452008612834561.post-12496102004035227272013-04-19T07:03:00.001-05:002013-04-19T07:03:31.527-05:00Journal entry<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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April 19<sup>th</sup> 6:11 am Friday, 35 outside and 61 in
yurt. Today highs in the lower 60’s will be cold tonight, no frost warning, but
a fire will be needed.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m sitting in front of a beautiful fire with a very hot cup
of coffee. I ran out of pages in my journal so decided to type away. Yesterday
was chili stayed cloudy and very windy throughout the day. The rain from the
night before only measured in at ½ an inch so that thing needs to be re-
mounted (not level) word has it we received at least five inches of rain the
night before and by the looks of the pond I believe it. We missed the bad
stuff, the hail, the 60 MPH winds by mere miles. Luck, that’s what that was.
Luck. The field looks a little ragged but not nearly what it could have looked
like. Whew!</div>
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Yesterday was spent digging myself out of a really dirty and
disorganized house. The commercial kitchen project we have going is almost
complete but the farm house is a crazy place. Cleaned now, scrubbed down to the
studs. The kitchen is looking great. Something I’ve dreamed about for years is
finally becoming a reality, It’s been hard though and costly. </div>
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<br /></div>
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Jackie Dill came yesterday afternoon, with Neva and her WWOOF-er<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>( http://www.wwoof.org/ ).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They settled in at the cabin, Linda brought a
load of wood up and the place was cozy by dinner. They will be up and about
foraging this morning and throughout the day for the found and foraged dinner
here at the farm this weekend. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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I slept fairly okay woke up a couple of times once to put
wood on the fire. The second time I woke up was at 3:45 the night was still and
quiet. This is the time of the morning when thoughts can get ugly and your
brain can turn on you. I’m ever so familiar with this routine so instead of
engaging the thoughts I focus on my breath. In. Out. In. Out. Slowly. Deeply.
Then before I know it the alarm is going off and the smell of coffee and
firewood fills my senses. </div>
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<br /></div>
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I’ve been so busy I haven’t made time to sit. I miss my
practice and try to practice deep mindfulness as I’m working but nothing is
quite like the time and space sitting in meditation. I long to rejoin my
breath. Things are down to the wire, the kitchen, the dinners, the field, the
goats…. I know it’s only temporary and I’m trying to work with grace but I’m
tired. Haven’t had a day of rest in several weeks and am starting to drag. This
Sunday though is that day. We’ll milk and do the regular animal chore but a
book and a position of leisure is my aim for the entirety of the day. </div>
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<br /></div>
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In spite of my extreme tiredness, the energy will come to
create a six course dinner from wild foods foraged from the farm and
nearby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is the first dinner of the
season. I’m tired but excited and am ready to take the plunge and immerse
myself in cooking. This will be my practice today. A place I’m familiar with, a
refuge. A still pond that I float on. The wild foods are the current that moves
me from place to place, and as I shut my computer I will release myself from
all other thoughts and concerns and surrender to flavors, textures and the
colors. Ahhhh. What a wonderful thing. </div>
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<br /></div>
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It is an absolutely beautiful morning. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02258841354856813410noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2035452008612834561.post-10113038832808370832013-03-28T07:25:00.004-05:002013-03-28T07:25:55.927-05:00Competing with the moon<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
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This morning the moon and the security light (I think that
is what it’s called) were competing for shadows. Each at opposite sides of the
farm. That’s how it is at the farm right now everything competing for light.
Maybe that light is the sun, the moon, attention, or a bottle. But living is
sometimes a competition that only the strong or the ones pliable enough to be
tossed around a bit survive. The great thing about waking up at 5 am is I get
to experience the play of darkness. It sometimes feels like such a secret
world.</div>
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<br /></div>
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While I’ve been gone from the blog, 17 kids were born and
are all thankfully healthy and strong although we had a couple that were
questionable. All of the Does are doing fine but one of our girls had
quadruplets and we were worried but she is doing just fine, as it turned out
another Doe, Ruby who had twins suffered from a light case of milk fever and
spent yesterday morning getting love and attention from the vet. She’s on the
mend.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Along with the welcoming of 17 new lives we’ve also managed
to plant a few thousand broccoli, cauliflower and cabbage plants, 4500 onion
plants, several rows of cool weather seeds and the propagation hut is now
housing 1000 tomato plants (27 varieties) and baby chard, kale, kohl rabi,
pepper and soon eggplant and a few other variety of plants. We started converting
the old farm kitchen into a commercial kitchen and that’s been a lot of work,
but worth it I’m sure! </div>
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<br /></div>
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Oh and I got married (in Seattle) It’s funny how I didn’t
really think Marriage would change anything. I mean I love this person beyond
belief how could a ring and a piece of paper ( a legal document) change
anything. But amazingly it does feel different and often I feel the ring on my
finger and the greatest Joy comes over me. It’s a reassurance, a profound
statement that I and the person I love have made a bond that is almost wordless,
meaning the depth of that bond may sometimes go beyond what we can form into
words which can do justice to our feelings. So the ring does that for us. It
says everything we can’t. It’s silent and powerful, needing no explanation. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So this is a surprise to me and I understand
now why getting married has been such an important subject in our culture and
society.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now the debate is who owns
marriage. Who has the copy right on marriage? Who is allowed to marry and who
is not? </div>
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<br /></div>
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I have catered countless weddings as a matter of fact I’m
catering a wedding reception this Saturday. This couple can marry anywhere they
wish, and did. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will provide the food
for their celebration like all the ones before them. I will poor my heart into
it like all the receptions I’ve catered before. In spite of the fact that
marriage is a privilege that has not been available to me until now, when my
home town passed a law making me equal to my family and friends at least in
Washington. I’ll take it. Even if it is the skim milk kind at least through the
eyes<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>of legal lenses.</div>
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<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">But enough of that right now. Life is all around
us screaming for attention. Each moment a flying arrow. Gone so quickly. One
day we wake up and realize all the moments we’ve missed all the sunrises and
sunsets, all the full moons. opportunities to love our enemy our friends, our
family, to say how we feel, to create, to be profoundly compassionate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To love ourselves so deeply that it spills
over into the dear lives of people around us. Not forever but right now, I am
here. I am here. I </span>Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02258841354856813410noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2035452008612834561.post-56016689699617103832013-01-02T10:38:00.000-06:002013-01-02T10:38:12.084-06:00A bright New YearI quit making "resolutions" years ago, I do think about and plan changes, generally to do with what went right or wrong at the farm, what needs tweaking and what needs to stay the same. But the desire for self improvement, to be healthier, happier and more organized is a daily thang. So by time New Years rolls around I'm over it. I'm ready to get to work on real tangable things like getting the field ready for planting!<br />
<br />
This year I am overflowing with hope, I have lots of exciting changes to soon start writing about and I cant remember a time when I harbored so much excitement in the pure wonder of being alive. 2012 for me was one of the best years as far as the farm goes. It was a year of self awareness, forgiveness, humility, and the first year since I began farming that I had a few dollars in my bank account at the end of the year albeit not much, but more than negative so that's a real accomplishment! This would horrify most but I have the biggest grin on my face right now!<br />
<br />
While I don't have a "resolution" I do have an intention. I've been reading this prayer before and after each time I sit. Although I may not see Lord or Master as something outside myself, this prayer has profoundly spoken to me and has become my intention for 2013 and beyond.<br />
<h3>
Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi</h3>
<blockquote>
Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace.<br />
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;<br />
where there is injury,pardon;<br />
where there is doubt, faith;<br />
where there is despair, hope;<br />
where there is darkness, light;<br />
and where there is sadness, joy.<br />
<br /><br />
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek<br />
to be consoled as to console;<br />
to be understood as to understand;<br />
to be loved as to love.<br />
For it is in giving that we receive;<br />
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;<br />
and it is in dying of self that we are born to eternal life.
</blockquote>
Happy New Year friends, may you be safe, may you be healthy, may you be happy and may you be at peace. And may you eat many vegetables!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
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<br />Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02258841354856813410noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2035452008612834561.post-64863549161249030022012-12-20T12:17:00.000-06:002012-12-20T12:17:54.164-06:00Winters past<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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We've had a couple of challenging winters on the farm that have been hard to forget. The blizzard of 2009 on Christmas and the big snow storm in 2011 two days after we received 28 pregnant sheep, ready to pop. Oh the fun! I was just remembering one year, just befor kidding I decided it would be a good idea to lay several inches of wood chips down in the barn instead of hay which is what I normally use. When kidding and lambing began I would come out to the barn to find Almond Roca kids and lambs. The Southdowns were the worst! The momas were terrible about cleaning them off so they were just covered in wood chips. On more than one occation I would find my self in the shower at three AM with a cold skicky wood chip dredged lamb. They were so frikin' cute though!<br />
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And the lamb that dropped and got left behind. I found it, thought is was dead but it was just cold. The lambs tail was frozen! In the shower we went and then the blow drier and then in the laundry basket with the heating pad. How bout the time we lambed out 49 ewes oh lord I thought I would die! <br />
They were just coming one right after the other! I couldn't keep my head on straight!<br />
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Well in two months Kidding rolls around. My latest count was 18 bred. I thought it might be twenty b'cause the buck decided to go A-Wall and got in with all of the girls. But those girls (the ones I carefully decided not to breed) will be due late May. Half will be due first couple of weeks in March. But no more sheep. I am out of the sheep business and couldn't be happier. I am excited about kidding and I'm excited to finally have some winter weather. I feel like I'm ready, as ready as I'll ever be. Got the stove going, hot tea and carrot cake, what more could a girl ask for?<br />
<br />Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02258841354856813410noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2035452008612834561.post-75465806947986142962012-12-19T08:48:00.000-06:002012-12-19T08:53:38.167-06:00MistakesI just noticed today that when I make mistakes I no longer rant on with the inner dialog about how stupid I must be, how unworthy and well... the list of words I once used to describe myself was long, But that's beside the point. What I have come to recognize is I no longer see myself as this "adult", who's experience and wisdom somehow should reduce the amount of mistakes one makes. I now see myself as a little baby, or a five year old. Mistakes are inevitable because at five your on the fast train to living. Your not worried about making a mistake, your concerned with exploration in the here and now. That's real freedom right there. <br />
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I would not want to be five years old again. At five I was a lonely child. Painfully shy which I learned later to overcompensate for by creating my own world and my own reality. But I have a lot of compassion for that five year old, and I know she is okay. I also know throughout her entire life until she is in her 47th year of life she will believe that each time she makes a mistake 1billion brain cells are killed, and she is unworthy of the blessings in her life.<br />
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The garden has taught me about new beginning after new beginnings, and forgiveness.How am I different than the soil, or than a radish? Each winter I watch life end an start again. Living examples of freedom and innocence. Not recklessly, not without thought and intention, not without struggle, But graceful in the truth. Seeds, if cared for thoughtfully will grow. I have many seeds inside myself that need thoughtful care. People and animals, vegetables, some I know some I don't, need that same kind of care.That has become a simple truth for me. <br />
<br />Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02258841354856813410noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2035452008612834561.post-44822500481080824112012-12-15T18:22:00.000-06:002012-12-15T18:22:12.386-06:00Studies in cold<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I sit at my desk with dogs at my feet, comfortable within the protection of my small house. Outside, a beautiful unseasonably warm winter afternoon. I spent the day tending to some things in the garden and the afternoon cutting a dead pecan tree into manageable pieces for the stove. It was close if not 65 degrees out. There have been many days that cutting wood was done in heavy carhartts and thick sweaters, but it was nice having just a sweatshirt, jeans and a baseball hat. I try not to think about the weather as much as I used to. I keep updated on forecasts and such but I no longer am so obsesssed with wind speed, direction, and hourly humidity. Things change so rapidly from one day to the next that I just have to throw up my arms and surrender. What will be will be.<br />
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Last Sunday night as expected the temperatures fell into the 20s. During the day Linda and I harvested vegetables for our CSA and made sure all of the rows were covered with fabric row covers that will protect the crops from frost damage, most of these crops are winter hearty and can freeze solid and still be fine unless frost hits them. The broccoli rabe was so tall the covers wouldn't fit over it so we had to harvest as much as we had time for and say goodbye to the rest which broke my heart because it was so beattiful, but there was no more time, it was getting dark and we were getting very cold.<br />
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The next day, the broccoli rabe was badly beaten. I knew it would be and wasn't concerned, I had agreed to let it go. The next three nights temps dipped down into the 20's along with high winds, which is unusual at night. The sound of the wind wisling through the tree branches and distant howls of coyotes made the night to be just short of a snow storm. The fire in the stove was cranked up high and still only kept the yurt just above 65. (I like it around 75) . we both bundled up with our books. In the morning once once the ice crystals melted off the grass I went out to the garden to find that the west end of the greenhouses had been blown to hell and were just flapping there amongst 2000 sq feet of dead vegetables, not only that but some of the crop covers had been blown of leaving swaths of dead beets, turnips and greens. what was left under the covers fared well but the loss was epic. I stood out there in utter disbelief .<br />
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I accepted what happened pretty fast and had a plan in place with in seconds, before the shame, self doubt, feelings of failure could set in. I would repair the green houses and replant for a early march harvest of carrots and greens. Whats out in the feild is enough to get me through two more deliveries. I can sprout and grow micro greens and I will just have to let the CSA members know what happened. I called Linda who was a work to give her a report. Immediately Linda was preforming triage on my fragile situation and a few minutes of her telling me it was going to be okay I interrupted her by saying "I'm really okay" "you are?" she asked . "Yes, I am"<br />
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The truth of the matter is, this is small potatoes. I can re plant I can make due, And in light of bigger tragedies I'll save my energy. I'm not a parent, but I'm a daughter, an aunt, a sister, a cousin and even though I do not have children of my own, I also grieve and feel a deep profound sadness for the loved ones and families in the terrible nightmare in Connecticut. So tonight I count my blessings and feel the tenderness of care for those around me and far away, I promise to smile at strangers (In a un- threatening way) be kind, and not be governed by fear so I may not find these things possible. <br />
I shall plant the fields, hoe the weeds and keep close to me my lessons of the cold.<br />
Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02258841354856813410noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2035452008612834561.post-33858998488588760012012-12-13T09:50:00.001-06:002012-12-13T09:50:13.939-06:00First breath<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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Winter is often a time of deep reflection. A time to
evaluate. I looked at last year’s posting on the blog and found nothing for December.
What was going on? So I found myself turning through the pages of last year’s journal
entries looking for clues. What I wrote in December was about my desire for clarity
and solace. I was trying to establish some kind of title for myself, some kind
of box I could comfortably fit myself in, some kind of identity. Was I a chef? Was
I a farmer? Was a dairywoman? The lines were all blurry. I was in a state of
discomfort. I was trying to reconcile my past with the present. Trying to see a
future by letting go of the past. I worked hard on this and used up many pages
in my journal. I recognized my biggest struggle and challenge was forgiving myself
of my shortcomings and as ridiculous as this sounded at the time, loving
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Uncertainty is frightening. I have had to really work hard
at getting outside my ridged ideas of how things are supposed to be. This has
been an ongoing struggle from a restaurateur and chef where life is fairly
predictable to a farmer where expecting predictability is a joke onto oneself. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t realize how uptight I really was. But
when faced with the daily life of farming I was constantly struggling. I
thought I was struggling with the wind, the rain, the heat, the dry. I was only
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This morning I was listening to the big dogs bark. The
morning was so quiet and still all I could hear was the bark and the echoes. Do
the dogs hear the echoes? Do they think there is another dog barking back?
There is no way to really know for sure but I doubt it. I recognized that echoes
also happen in the human mind. Someone speaks to us and immediately what we
hear are not just the words but the echoes which is essentially our brain
translating it into judgment. Shame, anger, sadness, insult, pride, happiness.
But it’s nothing more than an echo, and we believe the echoes are real and base
how we act in the world by them. But echoes are not real, our judgmental imaging
is not real. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Mindful or deep listening is
hearing that persons words without listening to the echo. Imagine that! I have
no idea of what that would even be like but something tells me there would be
much less anxiety and suffering in the world.</div>
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When I was a baby I wasn’t hearing echoes, just sounds, the
way they really were, without judgment, when words didn’t automatically come
with emotions. My true nature was vulnerable, innocent, pure, non-violent. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That baby is still inside of me. That baby
grew but did not disappear. When I die, if I am fortunate enough to grow old I
hope I die that baby. I hope I can become that baby again, ready to reach out
and experience things as they truly are. With this I recognize that my greatest
enemy was a baby exactly as pure and innocent as me, how could I ever hate or
be angry at a baby? This is what they talk about as being our Buddha or Christ
nature. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everyone we face good or bad have
at one time taken their first breath, and in that moment of our first breath is
always how we should see each other, because at some point all of us share this
truth, we will also have a last breath.</div>
Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02258841354856813410noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2035452008612834561.post-78920401381609500022012-12-05T07:14:00.001-06:002012-12-05T07:16:47.355-06:00finding my practice<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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I’m cooking for a group on retreat at the Osage Forest of
Peace, it’s a small centering prayer group and they will be with us the whole
week. It’s a silent retreat which I love!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>No small talk or unnecessary jabber and noise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just nine people focused on their practice.
Silence is the most beautiful thing sometimes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The chapel is not far from the kitchen so I try to work as quietly as I
can. Opening and closing cupboard doors, chopping, sautéing, washing pots and
pans. It makes me aware of my every move. That awareness in itself is a
practice. Taking time to lie my knife on the board softly, opening the drawers
more carefully turning the water on and off with care and thought is simply a
dance. Every move becomes intentional.<br />
</div>
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I’ve been cooking for so long I can switch to auto pilot in
an instant, even if I’m cooking for a group of forty or fifty. It just comes so
naturally, but I have come to realize that I miss the whole thing, the beauty
of creating a dance, a gift, an offering. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I’m on auto pilot generally I’m light
years away. But here and at the farm I like being present. I like being awake.
I’m not trying to get through it or waiting for it to end, I’m happy being, as
being is arriving constantly to my destination.<br />
</div>
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I am enjoying my time at the forest. I enjoy the silence and
the culture of a contemplative life. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
community and guests that live there bring me much happiness. Sister Maryanne
is just about the sweetest individual I have ever known. Sister Jane makes me
think and laugh at the same time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I value this sacred space that honors all
spiritual and religious beliefs and strives to be a place of peace in between
the blurry lines of dogma and politics. The wealth of books stacked floor to
ceiling, from Hindu, to saints, onto books of plants and nature. Nurturing all
aspects of how we understand the divine. I feel completely at home.<br />
</div>
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So, as Linda begins the difficult task of planning a funeral
with her brothers, I pour myself into cooking, hoping to nourish and help
support those working on their own tasks of expanding and broadening their
lives through the pin hole focus of practice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Within this I find my own practice, and my capacity to love and support
all that I come into contact with deepens, broadens and grows. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wish for Linda to find calm within this
storm as the up-coming arrival of family and friends begins. I wish for her to
hear love and virtue in every voice and I wish for her loving kindness in all
aspects of these days. </div>
Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02258841354856813410noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2035452008612834561.post-60608536133947283532012-12-03T10:36:00.000-06:002012-12-03T13:20:59.869-06:00change of plansThe list is long today. This last week and weekend took an unexpected turn when Linda's mother's health became worse and she found herself at her mother's bedside waiting for her final breath. Her mother went peacefully yesterday evening. Sometimes the death of a loved one is a relief knowing their suffering is over. It's easier to let them go. But there is still the place they hold in your life that might feel empty. I remember that when my own mother died and my sister. The air went out of the room and I felt empty spaces in places I cant describe. After many years of grief, I'm starting to understand that empty space as fear of my own mortality, regrets and attachments. <br />
<br />
This week I was scheduled to cook at an eight day Rohatsu sesshin a zen retreat that marks the Budha's enlightenment. Two days before I was supposed to be there I needed to cancel. Linda was off to be with her mom and someone needed to be at the farm, so I traded places with the cook at Osage, he also has a deep practice in zen traditions so was very pleased with the opportunity. So, he is down in Chico Texas with the sangha and I am cooking in his place for the community and guests at the Osage Forest of Peace. That way I can drive back to the farm each evening and take care of milking and farm goings on. I understood the levity of the situation when I dropped Linda off at the airport and rushed to Stillwater to teach my last cooking class at the Wellness Center and rush then to pass the torch at the monastery. What have I gotten myself into?<br />
<br />
When I realized how much work was ahead of me. I cried. How would I be able to do this? I spent a few hours feeling sorry for myself, but I continued to sit and meditate in spite of feeling rushed and exhausted. Finally I realized that all this was a small sacrifice in comparison to the overall need of not just Linda and her brothers and mother, but to Andy (the cook) who will now get to deepen his practice, and I get the gift of nourishing my friends at the Forest. When would I ever get an opportunity to be useful to so many at the same time. The farm is fine. maybe could use a little TLC but the animals are safe and well and the garden is doing its thing. Projects can wait. Thoughts can wait, plans can wait. Right now is what matters.<br />
<br />
I have the day off to rest. I'll be picking Linda up at the airport this afternoon. A few things will get done. In some ways this is just what I needed to raise my own awareness and deepen my own practice. A change in plans should always come with a welcomed excitement. Each moment is so precious, each breathe such a miracle, and when we see that last breathe in a loved one, we see just how precious all the breathes that came from this person were, no matter the complicated relationships we've had with them. From the very first to the very last, every breath counted. Every breathe I take counts from my first to my last. I hope I can always remember that.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02258841354856813410noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2035452008612834561.post-75967153486839799792012-12-02T21:07:00.001-06:002012-12-02T21:09:54.319-06:00love matters<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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I’ve been searching on the internet for poems about mothers.
One just perfect, to ease your rawness of the event. The great one and only
event, when we lose our mothers. My search came up thirsty and hungry, an
unsatisfied compulsion. I decided to make a cocktail.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nothing fancy just grapefruit juice and vodka,
hoping to break through the gristle and sinew that gets in the way of my
thinking. When I was ready I came upon a memory of my own mother’s death although
I was not with her at the time of departure,( I had left just the day before,
after sitting diligently at her bed side for seven days). </div>
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Why did I leave? Why did I go? </div>
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I know why. She taught me. I had responsibilities. Something
she learned very late in life herself, but instilled in me with desperate fervor.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So I left her. I flew back to Oklahoma to
engage in my responsibilities. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Was it worth it?</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No. I had my
responsibilities messed up. I miss- interpreted her teachings</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Time for another drink</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I’ve thought about you and your brothers so much in these
last few days, I’ve thought of corn seeds.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
I’ve thought about your grief and what you might be
feeling; Relief, sadness, can we have a do-over?</div>
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I’ve thought about healing and anger and confusion. I’ve
thought about feeding you. What could I cook for you that will help bring stillness?
And I’ve thought about priorities and markers in time and space, because events
are what shape our world like clay, regret and pride are the kiln, it can go
either way. What happens now is anyone’s guess. “the arrangements” is a given,
but a new story unfolds</div>
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A history revealed and a future not at our fingertips.</div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
Your sorrow is my sorrow, your joy and relief I share
with you also. Know that my heart is burning brightly for you, a fire that cannot
be extinguished. </div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing">
To our mothers, who live in us always</div>
Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02258841354856813410noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2035452008612834561.post-64939311784607584392012-11-28T21:17:00.000-06:002012-11-28T21:17:31.374-06:00For you love<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Eat, nourish yourself with truth. Be free. Canonize your existence
with the fervor of your breath. Breathe, you are alive, now take your soul and
hold it tightly and say “dear, oh dear I love you so, oh dear I will love you
till the time ceases to exist”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Hold
yourself tight because you will want to run from this knowing and this darkness
of what you don’t, cant, will not know in proof, but yet must believe, I am
going to be okay. Now feast. Feast like there is no tomorrow. Feast on your
giving. Your listening, you’re questioning. Feast on your humor and your love
of rusted artifacts and affectionate goats<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>and kissing llamas. Feast on your innocence inside your corrupted memories
and experiences and pain. Feast in your loving and being loved. Feast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Feast. Feast. There is plenty.I love you.</div>
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Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02258841354856813410noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2035452008612834561.post-72639630104624784642012-11-28T08:25:00.000-06:002012-11-28T08:25:06.682-06:00The beesLinda and I are the proud foster parents of a bee hive. Our friend Karen is actually its real mother, and does all the real work, we'll give them sugar water if they need it, and make sure the shade cloth is right but most importantly provide pollen for the bees to collect from all the blooms that need the bees assistance to produce food. Another quite obvious display of interdependence that I have been able to witness and be a part of. <br />
<br />
These bees are very gentle, I had one land on my shoulder and just sit there. I braced for the sting but none came. It just flew off. When Karen (pictured below) started prying up the frames the bees seemed only a little put off. The smoker was going which helps of course but in general these bees are very mellow. So she took all the frames from the supper which were for the most part filled with honey that she will jar later. Pretty cool!<br />
<br />
I might graduate some day to having my own hive. I've been intimidated by what seems to be an endless amount of knowledge and information one needs, so having Karen come tend to the hive has helped me gain a better understanding of what a hive needs. She is indeed a bee charmer. I enjoyed watching her work. Her slow graceful movements seemed no different from the bees themselves. What a lovely gift this is.<br />
<br />
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Lisahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02258841354856813410noreply@blogger.com2