keeping it together

I woke up this morning as the sun was coming up. Very unusual for me but last night it was decided that a morning with no alarm was in order. A jam packed week and weekend of 14+ hour work days justifies a sleep in occasionally. I have to admit I’m becoming quite used to the hours of darkness I get in the morning. It’s become a great time to journal or write without the tug of the outside world who needs to be fed, watered etc. After the initial 5am let out of the dogs they are ready to go back to bed for another hour, so that time of peace and quiet is absolutely priceless.

The last four weeks I’ve been going at break neck speed, between all the farm stuff there has been private dinner parties here at the farm and my work at wellness center. I race through one project to the next and literally just try to survive the day. But today is different. This week I have no real pending projects or tasks. There are no dinner parties, no harvest, no work. Just regular farm stuff. So when I sat down to journal this morning I was lost. My journals always start out with the date, time, temp and weather forecast and who got bred, or who is in heat (goats), and then move on to what happened yesterday and then onto the ‘to do’ list for today.

I am a fervent list maker. It borders on OCD. My lists have lists. And sometimes when I have nothing better to do I make lists. Because if I have nothing better to do there must be something wrong and I must find work, and work within the work. That’s why my lists have lists. The multi layer method…. I know, OCD. I won’t even talk about the “deltas” (ok just a little) they are upside down triangles you fill in when the task is complete instead of making a disrespectful line through the task. Forget about it! There is a fine line between habit and addiction.

Regardless, I feel kind of weird I don’t really feel grounded and I’m finding myself a little uncomfortable. So, as I was starting my list because I knew that would put me right, I decided before I would make any list l would take a long walk this morning, I would go to my spot on the bright red rock of the probably very dry creek bed and meditate. I would breathe out the last few weeks and breathe in some calm and peace. I wouldn’t make any plans. I would just breathe. I would listen and reconnect myself with this sacred spot, the air, the sun the sky, the grass , the sand, the rock and all of that. I’m just going to sit with it for a while.

And on the top of my will be list, I wrote:
· take a walk, meditate, clear your mind
· write list.
I just couldn’t help it