Perspective

Its 14.7 degrees here at the farm right now. and I'm thinking to myself. Why? Why does it have to be that cold? Why not 30 or 35 thats cold but 14.7, whats the sense in that? Even though I know better than to ask these questions I still do. Winter makes me edgy. what can I say.

I still wake up in the middle of the night sometimes terrified that one or all of the goats, sheep or any of the animals is sick and dieing. Its a horrible feeling and I'm helpless. It takes several minutes for me to wake up enough to talk myself down. Its okay, everyone is fine. I some how convince myself of this and fall back to sleep. Its the strangest thing and the worst feeling and thankfully its been a while since I've been in that situation in my waking life. But I think once you experience trying to unsucsessfull nurse a sick animal back to health you know the awful helpless feeling and it sticks with you. It changes you. Maybe for the better. But for me I think I might have a touch of PTSD.

I'm preparing for winter like I'm preparing for the worst possible scenarios, My preparations are fear based and very serious. I wish I wasn't so stressed out about it. But I suppose I just have to live through this in order to know that it is possible for winter not to be a terrifying mess. I mean logic tells me, we're doing all the right things. We have back up plans, that's something we didn't have before. So I just need to chill, I know.

Yesterday Linda and I worked on enclosing another area in the barn, making it even more protected from the wind and rain, We fixed a hay feeder so its not a soft comfy bed for the goats any longer and next weekend we'll build a couple of birthing jugs. The barn is safe and secure and this is a good sleep remedy.

See on the other hand, when I'm not drowning in fear I'm really feeling wonderful and am really enjoying some down time on the farm. This will be the first year I haven't traveled to Seattle for Christmas and it feels really good to know I'll be home. I'm actually looking forward to spending a nice quiet Christmas on the farm. And for the most part these cold days and nights have been filled with hot cider, dominos, and books. So I do have to keep things in perspective.

Today is just a normal day, clean the milk parlor, spend a couple of hours on a project, organize some paper work. Tomorrow, 30% chance of snow in the morning and in the afternoon and I'm ready to enjoy it.