Living on this farm

Beavers in the mist....help

2012-01-23T13:28:00.000-06:00

I'm one that really cherishes wild life, but I've come to ask myself is this right? There are two ponds on the property that look to be over run by Beaver. I noticed their work last year with small trees and bushes gnawed down, I thought it was kind of cool. I got so excited when I saw a beaver's shy nose protruding from the water and I was fascinated by them all together. But after a long time away I decided to include the ponds on my morning walk. I was shocked and very disturbed from what I discovered.

Huge trees were gnawed and those little buggers were able to actually get them down. I could hardly believe my eyes. What to do? this seems rather destructive and how good is this for the ponds to have all these trees and branches drug in.
On the other hand it is nice cutting fire wood when the branches are totally stripped from the whole tree.

So a call to fish and wildlife management is in order.

beaver warning splash

eat more cookies

2012-01-19T10:29:00.000-06:00

This morning started with an amazing sunrise a reason tojust feel good. I’m almost over “the cold” and feeling much better. I’m able tobreathe out my nose finally and take a deep breath without coughing for 10minutes. It’s really interesting the far reaching effects a simple cold canhave on daily life. It took all the energy I could muster just to do the basicchores. Things were left undone and I struggled not to chastise myself about myfailings. But what could I do. What do you do when the mind is willing but thebody is not? And I suppose what’s worse is what do you do when the mind is not willingand neither is the body? Nothing, you lay around and feel miserable, and evenfeel guilty for feeling miserable at least that tends to be my shtick.

So I’m feeling pretty good so it’s back to work. So manythings need attention. My spiritual practice today consists of not gettingbogged down with the to-dos and just concentrate on one thing at a time, whichincludes breathing as a main priority. Baking cookies comes in second. I’mfeeling well enough for cookies. Actually, I feel like cookies could be thetrigger to complete enlightenment. Okay maybe my thinking may not be 100%healed from “the cold”. I’m certainly onthe mend.

After cheese making I'll spend the rest of the day working in the greenhouses. Oh how I love this activity. I'm thinning today which means I'm taking a dense planting of lettuces and plucking out one inch segments leaving one plant every one inch. The thinnings will go into making the baby lettuce mix for the CSA members this weekend. The thinnings are the most delicate yummy things in the world. and thinning, the act of, is a meditation in its self. It feels so good to me and often I just get lost in it and will find I've been thinning for hours. Today just an hour. that way I can actually harvest other items for the CSA like kale and mizuna. Plus there is yogurt to be jarred and cheese to be strained so.... one hour only for thinning.

I'm totally making chocolate chip cookies as soon as I press publish!

Seattle I love you

2012-01-18T15:45:00.000-06:00

While it’s pouring buckets of snow on my home town Seattle,I’m spending a dry wintery cold afternoon in Oklahoma, in the kitchen. Ella’sin the background singing her sweet swinging heart out. I might as well be in Seattleit has all the makings. Torta rustica in the oven baking and while I’m notdrinking coffee I do have a steamy mug of steeped fancy green leaf and barleytea. Here’s the difference. Besides Ella crooning, there are roosters instead ofambulance sirens, lambs bleats instead of traffic sounds. Silence instead ofhorns honking and sounds of a busy city. Yea my life is sweet. I can’t saysometimes I don’t miss it. The excitement, the stress, the coffee. I remember it, all the good, all the bad but Ilike my little life. I like the noises.

I remember the excitement that comes on rare snowy day inSeattle. It may only last 24hrs but that one snow day people in Seattle willactually talk to strangers. They are, no matter how cool, frikin’ excited. Ittakes Seattleites about four hours to get cabin fever then either by foot, bike(yes bike in the snow, my brother in law actually went for a run today) trainor bus they end up at the corner coffee shop or store and proceed to talk to everyonein earshot which the day before they would never have considered doing in amillion years. Put a little snow on the ground and that Seattle cool pout turnsto childlike innocence and humility. Suddenly they aint concerned about beinghot shit anymore. I think it’s because snow is so rare it brings up like a fearresponse of imminent danger or death.

When I go home to visit it takes me a day or two to fallback into the cultural norm. On the bus; Put your ear plugs in, read a book,have a serious but not angry look on your face and never, never, never have eyecontact with anyone and if you do (by accident of course) and they are not cute,bring your attention back to the pout, look at your book….deeply or out thewindow (but really at your own reflection). Pretend no one can see you and youcan’t see anyone else. Smiling at someone is grounds for confrontation. Just don’tdo it, they will think you just got released from a mental hospital. If someonesits next to you on the bus that you think might have just been released from amental hospital because they said “hi can I sit here?” get off at the next stopand walk the rest of the way. If you cant do that press yourself as close as you can against the sidewall even if your face is smashed up against the window. If you can avoid ridding the bus altogether you’llbe better off. But I forget this and the first day I go into town I’m likesmiling at everyone and saying hi and thank you. I’m almost giddy, just like weare in Oklahoma. We talk to the cashier at wal-mart, the bank and the feedstore. There is only one wal-mart in all of Seattle and you wouldn’t get caughtdead in there. I bet that place is packed right now.

A few winters ago it snowed while I was visiting and it wasreally sweet seeing them so vulnerable and almost friendly. I made a pointevery time someone talked to me about the weather to look at them as if they hadjust grown an extremely huge eye out of their chin. Then just turn away andlook at the ground. And mutter “fucking creep”…Cracked me up! HAHHAHAHA!!!!! No I didn’t. I made that up.

But today strangers will come together in Seattle. There willbe more thank yous, more your welcomes and more a feeling that in this busyworld we’re still in this together, no matter how separate we try to make ourselvesthe rest of the time. This one day, this snowy day belongs to us. Seattle Ilove you!

Chew slower

2012-01-13T08:47:00.000-06:00

A little dusting of snow the other night and temps at 19 degrees this morning is a gentle reminder winter although mild, can do what she pleases at any time. The winter prep work of making sure animals have good shelter and safe from blowing winds is done, aside from a few little things like a small heater in the well house I think we can withstand almost anything. I'm cautious as I say this, cause I know how quickly things can turn around but we'll do our best. But for now dripping faucets seem to be doing the trick.

Fall/winter produce in the fields is done and now I'm working out of two greenhouses that are still green and flourishing, Kale, mizuna, boc choy, tatsoi, several variety of lettuces, chard, and there was spinach but I harvested the last of it last week. All this is for my winter CSA which so far I've been able to produce quite a bounty for them. It feels good to have things growing. I used to think I was tricking nature by growing in the winter. But then I started to realize there was no trickery involved. Growing produce no matter what time of year it is only utilizes resources that are there already. Light, warmth, soil temperature, soil nutrients. It feels like I'm just using the tools that I'm given. The spinach was so sweet. and the lettuce has wonderful color and texture because of the cold. I'm liking this little winter food paradise I have here.The pleasure I receive from eating a salad of red oak leaf, flashy trout romaine, green oak leaf, baby beet greens tossed in a light dressing of crushed garlic, a splash of balsamic, pinch of sea salt and a nice olive oil. Simple, elegant and gratifying on so many levels.

There has been times when I am so overwhelmed by the work of the farm I forget why I'm here in the first place. I loose sight of whats important. I move from one task to the next and the work seems to never end. In the restaurant I had prep lists. There was a sense of completion at the end of the day. Now it takes months and even years to see results. So I'm learning how to slow down. The work I put into the soil for the last several seasons have finally paid off this fall. It took three growing season to see the benefits. This is hard to wrap my head around. I'm used to expecting and requiring of myself and others immediate results. Pro-Active is a word I commonly used. Pro-Active isn't a word to me anymore its a way of life and the results from my Pro-activity are seen in ways I could never have imagined. Death rate of my animals, production of vegetables, my entire livelihood. Serious business, and if I'm not careful a real joy kill.

I've taken a bit of a break after Thanksgiving, Aside from the CSA I've really been doing a lot of resting, reading, writing and exploring. Taking time to remember why I made the choice to leave Seattle, my family, and my cushy life to live and eek out a living farming eight years ago. It was really because I loved food so much that I wanted to have the experience of growing it, knowing it on a level that I hadn't explored before, who knew It would turn out like this, who knew I would have a 40 member CSA in the middle of winter. I really didn't.

This life has caused me to really re-think how I look at economics, time and rest. My life now doesn't fit into the traditional model I was used to before. I realized after reading the book Contrary Farmer that if I was going to really enjoy this life I was going to have to accept a different way of looking at things, especially economics. In the book he talks about profit and that profit for folks in this line of work is happiness. Rather than money its a sense of peace, or joy or just plain feeling happy, that is profit. It makes sense but I had to sit with it for a while.What financial value is happiness worth? So my joy doesn't come from my ability to buy what I want it comes from being satisfied with what I have and making changes that I see fit for things that I really need. So I'm chewing on this idea. Chewing on identifying things that mean something to me.

Whats important to me? when I ask myself this question which I frequently do, my honest answer inevitably is "I want to LIVE". I want to be present through each day and each moment. I don't want to sleep through it or be distracted by fictional dialog in my head with someone I've had a disagreement with years ago or the fictional dialog of disagreements I might have in the future. I want to live without fear. I want to live passionately with compassion. That pretty much sums it up.

So I'm trying to throw out my normal expectations of immediate gratification/results I'm trying not to compare experiences or gauge my success based on now and the past. The things that I had and lost. The things I want and don't have. I'm building my life over now slowly, getting rid of old ways of thinking about things. Making time to live. chew slowly, to taste, to savor.

Waking up the farm

2012-01-10T07:51:00.001-06:00

The farm wakes up well before I do. Before the sun haseven considered peaking its big head up on the horizon. By 5am the chickensare off of their roosts and already hunting and pecking for bugs, The goats havemade their way to the milk parlor door and wait for their milk maiden to come trudgingout with clanking pails. At 5 am I ameither still asleep or writing in my journal. Most likely I'm asleep.This is a winters schedule and Ihave to enjoy this time while I have it.

Morning milking is done by Linda while I tend to othermorning chores, letting the sheep out of the barn, feeding chickens, cats anddogs. I go at a leisurely pace. This is winters pace and I have to enjoy thiswhile I have it. I drink my coffee slowly and walk up to the barn rather thandrive. I like the way the air smells in the morning and the way the cool airfeels comes up from under my feet. This morning is cloudy and rain is in the forecastbut just as the sun comes up in the east the moon is full and outrageously brightin the west directly over the green houses. This is the kind of stuff that justrocks my world.

By sun up the farm is loud. Lots of activity going on.Chickens are socializing and laying eggs which make a racket, dogs barking atthe mail truck and each other. Lamb rams playing and lightly butting heads andtaking breaks to eat hay and drink water. I am eating breakfast at this time,checking e-mails and making lists. I try to get motivated and start on thelist. I’ve taken a quite a break over the last several weeks so I feel likework is reuniting with a good friend. I’ve had this cold so is not satisfyingas it should be. As a matter of fact yesterday was just plain hard and I didvery little. I think today will shape up to be much the same. I’ll work on website stuff and plan the farm table dinner schedule and load up on fluids andrest. This is allowed, it’s the winter schedule and I have to enjoy being sick.

I see a soup in my future, its 7 am and I’m craving lime andcurry. Last week I made some chicken broth out of an old stewing hen from thefreezer that was saved just for this very occasion. The flavor of chicken brothmade from one of these pastured hens is remarkable. The stock is like jelly. Allone needs is a steaming cup of this stuff to regain ones place in the world. I’llkeep my cup full today. But breakfast is hearty I’m hungry and need the energyso two potatoes browned with onions and pepperoni (left over from pizza night) scrambledwith three eggs and homemade gouda melted in at the end. I have to admit it doesn’tsound good but I’m really enjoying it!

Putting the farm to bed

2012-01-09T19:44:00.001-06:00

Everyone on the farm is put to bed except the farmers. The wood stove in the yurt has been loaded with the evenings wood and the oil lamps lit. The goats have been milked and now lay piled on a bed of hay just outside the barn. The sheep are shut up safely in the upper barn and the chickens sit quietly on their roost in the hen house. The pullets are in their house down for the night and the cows are in the east pasture eating off the round bale of hay I put out on Friday, or was that Thursday? I can just see their black silhouettes against the low giant orange moon. Back in the distance I see three llama heads rising out of the pasture like serpents out of black waters. The farm is quiet now. Everyone is fed, everyone is safe. Exhale.

I wouldn't go so far to say it was a bad day. I would say it was a good day but I'm under the weather so I'm not seeing things as I normally would. These things happen occasionally, the seasons cold. It's hard not to feel sorry for myself when I feel this way but then after a minute its just ridiculous and I just accept I have a cold so just shut up I love you, drink some tea and later you can lie in bed and read and indulge in the 80 degrees your able to get the stove a cranking if you so wish. and I do. This is a true luxury that comes with cutting and heating with your own wood. When we used a propane heater we kept it at a chilly 63. Nice when your dead asleep actually preferably, but sometimes I want to feel like I'm in a warm bath. That's just me.

My little brush with self pity happened at chore time when a tired me got her foot stuck in the electronet fence while tending to the chickens. I tripped, I fell, hit my knee on the chicken water can that I was filling landed on my face, there were broken eggs and happy chickens willing to clean up and me tired, frustrated and just not wanting to feel the pain in my knee and shin. So I cried. Cried good too. and for a while. Its funny crying, you get hurt you might cry a little maybe, but usually if you do its cause other stuff is going on. Well once I started crying I found that I had all sorts of things to cry about. Starving children, abandon animals, war, and how could I serve others when I cant even serve myself so on, you get the point. But then the tears stopped I limped to the house, washed the saved eggs and wished for a cold beer.

This is just what happened. Now the farm is quiet the moon is so incredibly bright. I've got a shiner on my knee I'll need to ice but I'm off to the warm yurt where I'll bask in the soft glow and eat a healing soup, a huge glass of ice cold water, three vit C tablets 3 advil, read and fall into a deep restful slumber.

winter prep

2011-11-28T07:58:00.001-06:00

“I’m not ready for winter” I say and lay my head down on thetable with an exaggerated sigh! “Honey, winter doesn’t care” was Linda’sresponse. I lift my head and give her thelook.

Yesterday, most of it was spent preparing for freezing overnighttemps that will be starting and continuing through the week. I stillhave tons of beautiful fall/winter greens out in the field and they are allcold hearty but I still must save them from frost and wind damage by coveringthe rows with a fabric called Agribon. Beets, turnips, carrots, spinach, chard,kale etc will all be protected and this should buy me some time until the hightunnels have enough density to start harvesting. This is the plan at least butif I’ve learned anything it’s not to have attachments to “the plan”.

I’m excited for winter, exited for cold days, warm yurtheated by a beautiful fire in the stove. After three winters on this farm we’vegot a winterizing plan and routine. It takes a couple of days of work but four monthsof less stress. The first year there was no winterizing the farm plan and wesuffered, the second year we were set, over prepared and thus no suffering.This year will be even better. We’re over wintering in the yurt. It’s prettyeasy and economical to heat a 400 square foot room than it is a 1200SF house. Theyurt is cozy and peaceful and a perfect place for contemplating the New Year tocome. That’s what comes after the work of winterizing, contemplation. Not likeI don’t do enough of that already but this I could call a focused contemplationof the evolution of the farm. Long title to write on the to-do list.

It’s an exciting time, it always is. Feeling like I havesome say and control over my future is an exciting prospect. It may not turnout the way I planned i.e.drought, 112 degree days in the field, etc…but Ilearned so much and I have finally made peace with what I do and don’t have controlover, that has made life so much more pleasant, although I still can be caughtfoot stomping in frustration at the wind, so enlightenment still evades me.

Living within my harvest

2011-11-13T09:53:00.001-06:00

Saffron, turmeric, cocoa, dried chili, burgundy, balsamic,nutmeg, salmon, key lime. Those are the colors of fall on the farm right now. Ithink this may be simply the most beautiful fall that I have ever experiencedsince moving to Oklahoma. The landscape that fills my eyes each day isstaggering especially when I watched the orange harvest moon rise as the sunsets behind the fields and trees of such loud brilliant color.

There was talk that because of the drought all the leaves onthe trees would just turn brown and drop off offering us no fall colors thisyear at all. Boy, they couldn’t have been more wrong. On my small front porchwhere I sit to take on and off my work boots, I face a tree that I’ve watchedturn from green to the deepest burgundy I’ve ever seen, and right beside it isanother thee with saffron leaves. It’s asurprise that I get any work done at all. I get to drink as much of it in as Ican. I waste no moments. I watch with awe and wonder and feel like I have beenawarded the most wonderful prize ever given.

Rarely do I ever see a church reader board that I think is worthy of ready let alone thinking about, but the other day I saw one that said "Live within your harvest" Wow. This was a baptist church. Who knows what they meant by that, but to me it almost had a Pagan tone to it rather than biblical one. I had a sense that it meant living within ones means, but for me it really does apply in the literal form. Live within my harvest. Yes. That is the sacred place. The place of peace and rest.

These beautiful trees are my cohorts, they are my companions.My work day is spent working amongst them within their boundaries andprotection. Even though I spend manydays here at the farm alone I never feel lonely. I look up and around inbetween bunching radishes or turnips and I see the world around me and thebeauty of it gives me a sense of belonging and comfort, like that big ol’oakjust patted me on the back, and that hickory encourages me to go just a littlefurther. That sumac is just as impressed with herself as I am, and it goes likethat. I feel like I am surrounded by good friends and family and I am happy,deeply happy. So happy I wonder if I might be going mad. But I don’t let athing like that bother me if madness is what this is then let it be.

I love being on my knees in between rows of green crops.Pant legs scuffed and damp with mud, pulling up one fat turnip after the next,brushing of the damp moist luscious soil from the root end. Leave the soil inthe garden is a mantra that plays over in my head as I harvest. It’s hard not to notice how the soil haschanged from that first year of growing. It was sandy and white, hardly couldsustain growth. Now rich and chocolaty, smells so musky and earthy, full offlavor and body and strength. I spend so much time with it, touching it, movingit, feels like we’re old friends, comfortable talking about anything or just beingsilent together.

I’ve found this sacred place within my harvest. I’ve beensearching for it my whole life. Has it been here the whole time? Or did I helpto create it? I ask my friends the trees the soil; Are our hands working together to build it? oris your hand guiding my hand? It doesn’t matter really does it? no not really.There is no deception here. No lies no mistrust, mis-communication. No confusion,no illusion.

wind, frost, sun and rain

2011-11-04T10:10:00.001-05:00

It was Wednesday that we were all pretty certain we would wake up to a freeze or a heavy frost Friday morning. So preparations were made. Numerous rows of cold and frost hearty crops were hoe'd and lined with wire hoops all ready for the crop cover, (this is a fabric that is placed over the rows and protects the leaves from frost damage and in some cases freezing all together). A pretty simple task, one I've done many times. But this time there was a problem. The wind. We were getting gusts up to 35mph. This made the task impossible. So Wednesday passed and then Thursday came and it was still extremely windy. I would have to suck it up and struggle through it.

I finished what I could by around 6pm, sick and tired of the wind. Something no matter how long I've lived here I don't think I will ever come to embrace. I secured the fabric down with loose soil and bricks and said goodnight. This morning sure enough a white sea of frost blanketed the field and pasture. But I felt fine, no panic, no worry. That's a great feeling. As I look out into the field I am so proud of how much I have learned over the years. Mostly by mistakes I might add but I have really learned a lot. My turnips and beats are beautiful my spinach has never been bigger and the greens just keep getting bigger and greener. This is my best growing season ever. and its only because I just keep at it. I'm only able to keep at it because I have the faith and support of my CSA members. They have basically paid for my education. Its days like this when I know I have a huge harvest in front of me that I get teary eyed filled with such gratitude for having had such fortune and grace in my life.

This season I feel like I've passed a milestone. Looking out seeing my best harvest ever I'm given a sense of confidence that I've never had before. This time I'm aware of mistakes that I've made before and I acknowledge the things I'm getting right. Somethings I do know I have no control over and that's just fine, but as a farmer I have begun to finally define what I have control over and what I don't and that has taken me a long hard slow seven years to finally figure out. In my case I do have control over my crops when it comes to a frost of freeze, I don't have control over the effects of hail. I do have control over soil nutrients, I don't have control over floods. There are legitimate things to fret about and some times I just have to wait out the storm. Even if its standing at the window for an hour watching my future. But clearly defining my roll has been a great help to me.

As a new year quickly approaches I have for the first time felt a sense of confidence and security. I know I cant do everything I want to, that I'm going to have to choose and capitalize on my strengths and let go of things that stretch me too far. I'm not sure what that means quite yet. I know I'm going to make mistakes and I know I have so much more learning to do, But I have a sense that something great is just around the corner because something great is happening right now. Wind, frost, sun and rain, it keeps coming and I get to be right in the middle of it.

Happy Anniversary Sweet heart!

2011-11-01T09:46:00.001-05:00

Three years ago you came into my life. You were a light, a beaconfor a better life, a better way of looking at things. When I first met you Ihad a great desire to know you better. And when I started to get to know you Iwanted to know you in deeper way.

Three years ago today you helped me muck barns. Not a prettyjob but one that needed to be done in preparation for winter. It was a beautifulwarm day. Later that evening you and I met at the Day of the Dead festival. Youwere un- chaperoned, which helped me to think you trusted our friendship. With theglow of the fire dancers lighting up your face, I looked at you and knew at that very moment youwere the one. I didn’t want to do anything to compromise our budding deepfriendship but as we parted that evening to go our separate ways I knew something great was just around the corner.

Three years later I’m still astounded that our relationshipis one where personal growth and integrity is the center pillar. Respect anddignity are the stable structures in our lives. These remain the walls and foundation of our relationship, walls that don’tkeep us locked up but hold us up and free us to be our best selves, togetherand as individuals, Knowing were safe to express our true selves. A safe port in the storm of life’s experiences.

You have enriched mylife in countless ways. You have treated me with a deep love and respect that Ihave never experience. You celebrate my strengths and shortcomings, you embraceme unconditionally. You let me fall, make mistakes and laugh at myself. Youcelebrate my successes and are always encouraging and supportive of even someof my wildest thoughts and dreams.

I am so grateful that my life included meeting you. I am so gratefulto be in a loving nurturing relationship full of excitement and hope. I am so gratefulto be able to celebrate this day with no question this will be the third ofmany more to come. I’m committed to living in this house we’ve built together oflove, respect, courtesy, dignity, humor, passion, self awareness, and above allour deep kindness towards each other. I love you. Happy Anniversary!

Catching up to Fall

2011-10-28T10:25:00.000-05:00

I don't want to be so busy I miss it.
Miss the bright yellow and red leaves and the smell of smoking chimneys.
I don't want to fall behind or skip ahead
and miss the smell of dried wet grasses and earthy soil as I pull up turnips.
I don't want to get caught thinking about winter snow and fretting about freezes
busting icy ponds and water troughs.
I don't want to be stuck in the heat of August
The twenty hour work days.
I don't want to look or think about the pile of broken drip tape that couldn't carry the demand of a drought.
I don't want to remember all the projects I didn't get to, or all of the projects ahead.
The chickens that lost the battle from the relentless heat
The what ifs, the should haves, the I got to's, i did, I didn't, the I need to's
Today I have something better to do than all of that!
I have air to breath and knees to get dirty as I pull turnips from the ground.
I have trees to watch and the sun's heat to warm my face
persimmon trees to visit.
In one second flat I catch up to fall.

Random as rain

2011-10-27T08:43:00.000-05:00

The sheep are out eating hay. Two withers are playingking of the mountain on the turned over round bale just made short enough tojump on. The goats stand in the barn huddled close together like Armageddon hasbeen bestowed upon them. The sheep eat and chew and play, free from the goat’sconstant control and policing. The goats look on with disgust as the sheep withtheir weather proofing fleece allows them freedom in the rain.

The barn chickens and chicks have re roosted, they camedown for a little while hoping for some spilt grain from the mornings milking. Sincethen there are small streams and rivers making the yard difficult for small andeven smaller feet to navigate. The pullets have come out of their coop and nowhuddle together just outside the door sopping wet. Why don’t they have senseenough to go inside? I think to myself. A question I know better than to ask.

Most of the laying hens are still in the coop with anexception of a couple of brave old hens with priorities of eating. I don’t seethe cows or the llamas I suspect they are in that group of trees next to thecreek. It must be beautiful. I’ll have to join them.

This is a kind rain, steady and sweet. Tipping her hat asshe passes.”Top of the morning to you” she says as she passes through. “howlong will you be staying?” another question I know better than to ask.

It’s complicated. This rain isn’t the rain that uprootstrees, I’ve seen it, well… after the fact that is.

I still don’t know why my sister didn’t add anotherwindow to the rec-room from the insurance money?

That was a big tree. We had a tire swing on that tree. Itwas a pine taller than a building and as wide as a house. That’s an exaggeration.But it was a grand old pine tree. A childhood friend.

Yes, this is the rain everybody likes. No dramaticlightning and thunder, no angry hail. This rain is kind of like glue that holdseverything together, keeps roots alive and strong, and softens brittle branches. This is the spa CD rain, You know that musicthat is supposed to relax you.

Did I mention the guardian dogs are curled up on theporch and the useless pet dogs are under thick blankets in the yurt lazilysleeping until either the rain passes or the cant hold their bladder anylonger.

You know that mocking bird outside the window is singingher head off. Who could blame her?

time on my hands

2011-10-24T09:19:00.000-05:00

If I think about it long enough, if I start looking at old lists and filling empty pages with to-dos, then I'll have more work than I know what to do with, and more frustration of knowing I'll never get to everything. Today I'm kind of sitting still. This is very rare and in all honesty very uncomfortable (My butt is starting to hurt).

Several things have changed for me in the last two weeks; The last farm table dinner of the year, the last farmers market of the year (no more 3:45 wake ups) Kathleen (our farm intern extraordinaire) has left for the winter, and..thanks to the drought, I just sold 25 ewes and 47 lambs ( I held back 12 of my best ewes 20 butcher lambs and a hand full of replacement ewes to start over next year if I like). So in a way I'm grieving. I'm not asking to have it any other way I'm just trying to find a way to adjust from the absence of so many things that have taken up so much time in my life. There is plenty of work to do, so no need to worry about me sinking into the couch for three months. The winter CSA will keep me plenty busy but.... no more moving sheep, no more 20 hour work days, no more working in 100 degree weather, no more worrying over recipes and menus.

Now its taking care of the small flock of 30'ish sheep, a herd of 20 sweet milk goats, 4 cows, 100 laying hens and 80'ish chicks, and winter gardening; basically raising food for 40 CSA families through the winter,.What will I do with all of the extra time I'll have on my hands? Looks like I'll have plenty to keep me busy, who am I kidding. But I might be a little giddy. Hee hee, yes giddy. I am giddy!
I just might have time for reading, writing, visiting with friends, blogging and most importantly breathing.(insert crazy laughter)

I'm even thinking about not writing any lists for a couple of weeks and see how it goes. maybe that's too much. I don't want to have a total melt down. No, I'm going to try it. No, maybe not. I cant help it, one started working in my head the minute I wrote the word no lists. my brain: "feed store, Camembert, Gouda, minerals to cows, hay in barn....." crap!.... Still, I wont write it down. hows that?! does the blog count? I'm hopeless!

The cleansing

2011-10-21T09:01:00.000-05:00

A freeze is very much like a fire, agriculturally speaking,it cleanses the soil of shallow burrowing pests and microbes. A freeze tellsthe plants still left in the ground from spring and summer that it’s time tostep aside a new season is coming. For someone who grows in the typical seasonsof spring and summer a freeze means rest, it means an end to things. Hopefullythe previous seasons have been good. For the crazy folk like me who grow inwhat might be considered the “off season” a freeze creates a certain anxietyand fear. Cold weather crops, what most know as early or spring crops are veryhardy and don’t mind a frost, but the question remains on the front of thebrain, what about a freeze? In spite ofbeing very familiar with the cold hardiness of such vegetables as beets,turnips, spinach, boc choi, rappini, chard, baby lettuce, kale and carrots I’mnever really sure if this might be the killing kind, even though I know better.

Yesterday morning at 5am the weather reported 36 degrees at7am it was 28, still amazing to me that temperatures can fall at sunrise. Istood in the field inspecting the frozen tall once luscious arugula that nowresembled thin green shrivel sticks sticking up from the ground, and thought,is it possible this could turn bad and I could lose all of this?. One and ahalf rows of beets and two rows of turnips and one row of lettuce had a frostblanket, I wasn’t worried about them at all and I scolded myself for notcovering the whole lot. I wasn’t worried that everything would die (well therewas a little of that) I was more worried that the leaves of all the beautifulgreens I’ve been babying for the last two months would have too much leafdamage from freezing and they would be unfit for the 65 CSA members I would bedelivering to on Saturday.

Nothing left to do but wait for the thaw. I had to work inStillwater so I headed out leaving my frozen vegetables in the field all bythemselves without me looming over them wringing my hands together waiting tosee my future.

The hour drive to Stillwater always proves to be a nice timefor reflection. It took me half way between until I calmed down. I thought ofthe freeze being cleansing and that the chances of me loosing anything were atbest slim but worst case scenario I could cook my way out of this. If Icouldn’t provide my CSA members with vegetables I could provide them withprepared food, rustic breads, soups and casseroles. I have a feeling they wouldbe just fine with that, and even though I know a CSA member is aware of the risksinvolved I’m they’re best bet of redeeming most if not every cent of theirinvestment, no matter what the weather brings us.

I arrived home at 3:30, walked out to the field to inspectonly to find a garden untouched by the mornings drama. “What?” They seemed tosay to me, “you thought we would leave you just like that?” ”where is yourfarmers’ optimism?” guys, it’s been a long hard summer I got used to expectingthe worst.

Soon I was on my knees in the soft damp soil pulling up fatTokyo turnips, soft delicious soul nurturing soil under my fingernails. Lindacame home from work and we washed, bunched and packed them carefully in binsuntil dark. Our tired hands stiff with cold. It’s good to be back.

So to update you on the last post, the two greenhouses areup and planted thanks to the help of new friends who spent the entire day hereseeing through to the end. It turned out to be such an amazing difficultendeavor caused by the slant, and overestimating my own ability. So grateful tohave such people in my life. My only regret is that I didn’t ask for helpsooner. Farmers optimism often comeswith farmers pride and fierce independence. Can be a character flaw leftunchecked.

This time

2011-10-07T07:36:00.002-05:00

The race is on and we are loosing. Moving the greenhouses to the new location was one thing. It took us a lot longer that I could have ever imagined to take them down then once moved to the new location, squaring proved to be even more difficult... and then the next challenge that has almost beaten us is leveling the posts with the string line (turns out our location has a major slant this is bad in a major way). If this all seems like gibberish I'm sorry. Let me put it to you like this; the green houses thus far have kicked our asses and have nearly defeated us. Oh they will get up, and they will be planted but not with out temper tantrums, tears, pain and sorrow. We are on the wire and I mean wire with planting. If we make it, it will be by the skin of our teeth. and we will make it, just not in the peaceful pastoral sense we will make it because we've pushed ourselves just beyond the brink of insanity fighting and scratching our way through it.

In spite of the intense stress I feel right now, I have to keep in mind that all else looks good the field is bursting with color and lots of food that will take us through the end of November and possibly into December. But a farmers life is looking far into the future. Being in the moment is absolutely necessary but becomes difficult when winter crops means rent and car payments. My head is in in January right now, I'm obsessed with January and February and March and the work I do today and tomorrow and Sunday will determine what my life and the lives of those around me looks like in those months and whether I'll be harvesting or applying for public assistance.

My nerves are outside of my skin, my anxiety has never been higher and I've finally gotten to the point when help is necessary. Soon (in the next hour) I'll send out a little cry for help to friends and csa members for a green house raising party here on Sunday. I'm sure we'll get a few willing folks who can help dig us out of this little problem, literally.

Hopefully my next post will be cheerfull and I'll be telling you that the greenhouses are planted.
stay tuned.

a day of rest

2011-10-02T15:33:00.002-05:00

It’s Sunday and the list of things to do is long and daunting but rest takes a front seat today. Not a choice but a stammering demand my body made as I tried to remember if I turned the water on for the sheep or if I merely just looked at the facet and walked away in a daze of exhaustion and body pain. I’m 30 feet from the faucet, I try to remember 60 seconds ago when I was standing in front of said faucet. Did I turn it on? I have to go back and check. It’s on. Rest today. Nap. Bed. Book. Eat. Drink water. The fields beckon me but I can’t fight my body's request for rest. I made sure the fields were watered well, animals had lots of hay and all on the farm could manage without me.

It’s an exciting time here on the farm, the same feeling as spring. Fall greens are filling the field with color, bright shades of greens, purples and reds. It’s a pleasure to walk down the rows of lettuce and each time I do my faith is renewed in the earth’s great abundance and its determination to sustain life. Life is renewed in the fall, just like in spring especially after a grueling hot dry summer. The sheep and goats are getting their bodies ready for breeding; it is a time for renewal. Just as it is in spring this farm is at its busiest. It’s the work I love and the work that gives me great results. I’m so satisfied at the end of the day with how things are turning out.

Sometimes the days are so long. Yesterday was, believe it or not a 20 hour workday. Up at 3:45 for farmers market and then a private dinner party at the farm in the evening. I don’t even remember going to bed. I just remember waking up probably an hour after turning in, hearing the barking of one of our dogs we accidental left outside. We slept in and the goats allowed us to come late to work this morning. Goats do have grace, I don t care what anyone says.

The famous to- do list is not so much long as it is conflicting. Everything needs to be completed at the same time. All fairly big jobs, all crucial to the overall success and operation of the farm. Beds planted, greenhouses taken down, moved and then reconstructed to be quickly planted for winters harvest. It’s a race against time. Literally, it’s a race against length of day light hours, soil temperature and first frost. It’s a race that must be won if the farm is to survive another season. So I choose. Each morning a look at the list and choose. Which one makes it to the top of the list today, which one waits, in a shroud of the farmers anxiety wrapped tightly around it, waiting to be freed, to be crossed off.

I feel confident that I’ll win the race but it takes its toll and I look toward winter as my time to rest in front of the wood burning stove in the yurt with a good book. I look forward to healing my aching back and legs. But that’s for later. I push through the days and the items on the list with great effort knowing that the work I do now will ensure the rest I get later. This, I know to be true, have tested it over and over. I ate my first fall salad last night seven different tender greens, from spicy red mustard to sweet green oak leaf. My mouth and spirit sang. Today I rest tomorrow I work.

Fall Greens

2011-09-28T13:39:00.000-05:00

Not an easy life

2011-09-19T06:23:00.004-05:00

So here is what happened; This summer things got so hot and dry here that it was impossible to move the electronet fence that we use to rotational graze our sheep. Not only that but we were having breakouts quite regularly and once out the 78 lambs and 48 ewes would make a B-Line to the then semi-productive garden. I called Premier the fencing company I buy from to ask advice. The gentleman on the phone told me it being so dry the sheep wont get the charge. so there is nothing I can do, but he said if I'm having trouble getting the posts in I can take my drill out and drill pilot holes for the spikes.

Okay that is and would be impossible, I have 7 fences each with 14 posts double spiked. and I'm gonna drill holes in the ground??? Then I found out the company is based in Iowa. Lush green, soft earth and a even soggy. No one, who hasn't witnessed a drought of this severity could imagine what life has been like it Oklahoma. But anyway....

I moved all of the lambs and ewes into the 10acres I use for the goat pasture.Its completly fenced in and very secure. I figured its better just to feed hay etc and not have to worry about chasing sheep for a little while. A little while ended up to be longer than I ever imagined. The beautiful goat pasture is no pasture at all now. Its pretty bad and I'll need to make sure I can let the pasture rest for about 6 months or longer before I put anymore animals on it. It is well fertilized.

The rain we had off and on was like a long lost friend you worried about constantly. When were they coming back? were they alright??? why haven't they called or written? Then they just show up. No questions, no answers just their presence is enough and you hope they stay long enough to catch up. But just as swiftly as they came, they leave. No promises of a return.

The rain allowed me to put the lambs back out on pasture. They needed it. We weened two weeks ago and have been in a very small area. The ewes are still socializing with the goats and non are too happy about it, but that's how it must be right now. I'm able to let the goats and the ewes out onto another area that is not fenced and so far its an arrangement that is helping. The ewes are coming back with fat bellies and the goats milk has been wonderful. But I'm back to moving fences at least for the lambs and I pray the rain or at least heavy morning dews will make my job just a little easier. Its really staggering to me how long and how much effort it is to move these fences. Then add in getting water, shelter and power to the fences and you seriously have racked up some hours.

But its not forever, in November 12 lambs will go to the processor and in one more month 12 more and then 12 more the month after that. so I have to keep in mind what I am doing is necessary, good for the animal, good for the end result, which is meat. When I look at it those terms I think it shouldn't have to be easy all the time. I should be putting as much thought into this as I am. I've never once expected or demanded an easy life. But never asked for a hard one either. So I teeter. some days are better than others and some days I want to bury my head in the sand and cry. Today I'm up and grateful and ready to take on some big projects. We're moving our hoop houses so were disassembling and getting the new location ready. Next week we'll plant them for our winters' harvest.

Mud Puddles

2011-09-17T05:17:00.002-05:00

Its raining! there are mud puddles! I've never been so happy to stomp through a nice big ol' mud puddle. I can breath! The ground is soaking it up fast. I missed the rain so much. Rain, I love you, feel free to stick around for a little while.

I want the bun baker wood stove

2011-09-16T06:50:00.003-05:00

Heats 700-1000 square feet. Perfect for the yurt. Not this year but someday this beauty will be mine. at $2800.00 I'll have to save. but mark my words. SHE WILL BE MINE! SHE WILL BE MINE.

Promises, promises

2011-09-14T06:58:00.003-05:00

They say its coming, possibly an inch or two. I watched the forecast start at 20 percent and this morning slide into 70 percent for tomorrow that means "rain likely". This is big news. The biggest news this week maybe this month. Rain. This morning we got a little teaser of some soft sprinkles on the yurt roof. Quiet and soft, just enough to perk my ear up waiting for more. I laid in bed listening until it stopped, hopeful, expectant.

Today we finish planting our fall crops, 29 rows 160 feet long of, Arugula, pea shoots, lettuce mix, spinach, Asian braising mix, European braising mix, broccoli rabbe, red beets, chioggia beets, carrots, turnips. Of course just in time for the sweet rain to come and water everything in. I hope. The timing would be a welcomed thing, but best not to get my hopes up. Oh hell why not. There my hopes are up. Heck yea rain! come on! I'm gonna dance and sing and toss up and flail my arms and smile so big my ears hurt. and if it doesn't rain I'll turn the irrigation line on. There!

Happy rain day.
maybe

Life Persists

2011-09-12T09:15:00.002-05:00

This morning was one of those tap your heals together kind, when you walk out to the garden to find the seeds you planted last week have germinated perfectly. Strait green lines all the way down the beds. Birth, hope, excitement and then fear. The fear is the voice in my head that says “now all I have to do is keep this stuff alive three more weeks, or eight more months until it becomes food……in Oklahoma” Ha! No easy task. It’s a miracle I can get anything to grow. But life persists, seeds sprout defiantly, popping out of the soil tall and bright and motivated to live. I try to be there for them, give them what they need and try to have some kind of a mutually beneficial relationship.

Quiet early morning walks through the garden are times for reflection. What I’m doing right what I’m doing wrong, what comes next and am I even qualified to answer those questions? Seeing all the seeds that have germinated give me some inkling I’m on the right track, but I’ve had plenty of disappointments too. But it’s time to look at things in a different light.

What would happen if I could overcome my attachments to things, results, outcomes? What if I could be completely present in the awe of such things as germinating seeds, in spite of any sad news or the possibility of disappointing outcomes. What if I could accept the possibilities? Would I always be happy and full of blissful joy? Never sad, never disappointed? Is that too Buddhist monk like to consider? I hear even the monks have their little spats and controversies.

But I crave the silence of the dialog in my head that separates me from the germinating seeds.
I have a little prayer I guess you could call it, that I say to myself when I become distracted by things I really don’t need to be. When I feel I’m letting myself go down the rabbit hole of angst and insecurity and start worrying about things that I have absolutely no control over.

“Let me not be separated from you, the sky, the sun, the soil

Let me not be separated from your immense protection and grandeur” ect..

And I go on and on until I’m not separated anymore. Sometimes it takes longer and sometimes just the words” let me not be separated” will do the trick.

What separates me from the present are always things that I have no control over, obviously the weather, what other people say or think and my own unrealistic expectations of myself. This may sound ridiculous and hopefully funny but I worry about growing and raising food so much that I hardly leave time to actually do it. Okay that might be an exaggeration. But do you know what I mean? When all along I could be present in the experience of doing it. Instead I’m worried sick about the outcome. It’s funny to me even and at least I am aware and awake to what it is I’m doing, which I suppose is my saving grace for growing and making little adjustments in my thinking as need be.

But today I have germinating seeds, lots of them. I have soil that is ready to be planted. Beds that need to be hoe’d and a day that deserves my attention and appreciation. In spite of myself I, like the seed continue to persist.

Turning point

2011-09-05T07:05:00.003-05:00

Our new additions to the farm! Yup we now have cows. Angus to be precise. One pet named Merry and two yearling calf's and one yearling steer. Just so you know, I know only what I have just read in the last three days in Storey's guide to raising beef cattle. I'm not even half way through the book yet. So I've asked the cows not to have any major issues come up until I'm a little more well versed. But I've got a good support team waiting on the other end of the phone if I need them.

So far the cows don't seem too much different then grazing the sheep. They are much bigger and it is a little hard just getting used to their size. They are pretty amazing creatures and I'm really excited about this journey I'm about to take! I've wanted cows for a long time but the time just never seemed right. Its not that the timing is exactly right now but the opportunity was right. We think long and hard about additions or changes we make on the farm. This was a no brainer. Now we raise beef cows. This seems so natural to us. So "of course" we have cows. A starter herd of four so not a huge endeavour.

Last weekend I had the rare opportunity to get off the farm for the weekend I stowed away on a business trip Linda was taking to Des Moines, Iowa. It was nice to take a little break and gain some perspective. The heat has been taking its toll on me and that age old question came up: "What the hell am I doing trying to farm in Oklahoma?" I started missing home (Seattle) and began reminiscing about my old life, the one before farming.

I’ve been struggling lately with the duality of my life, the old one, a city girl, a chef, polished and clean with a taste for froi gras and expensive wine. The food I have eaten, the wine I have drunk, and the money I have spent on such things is staggering and I never batted an eye. I had a wardrobe of beautiful clothes, now I have a tiny corner in bottom of a drawer that contains two or three items that I pull out on the rare occasion that we eat out at a nice restaurant in Tulsa.

Back then my massage therapist I visited once a week told me I had a great body that I just needed to tone up a bit visit a gym a few time a week. Boy what would she say now? My muscles have muscles I have to constantly make sure I‘m eating enough protein and fat to keep up with my metabolism. The trips to Sicily in the summer and Florida in the winter are long gone. Sometimes I cry I miss that life so much. I was so clean and put together.

As the hair on my legs grows longer so does the distance between that polished city girl chef and the farm girl I am metamorphosing into. My indulgent meal now is the cold dew kissed first harvestable radish I pull from the early spring soil and eat with great relish, this is one of my favorite meals. The green onion that is finally ready to be plucked after a long cold winter that I eat enjoying the spicy freshness as I walk through the field to evaluate other crops. It’s an indulgence that is so visceral, so pure and one that I have the most gratitude towards and every spring tears well up at each bite.

I feel like I'm coming of age in my new life. I'm less concerned that people know that I didnt always have this dirt caked under my nails. That I'm no less of a person beacause my bank account is in a constant teater between positive and negative. Because in my new life that doest matter as much as smile lines do and kindness. There is no doubt this is the life I have chosen, I see myself doing nothing else, but I have to give up that inner struggle clinging to a past that somehow makes me feel like I was important. Legitimate. And that somehow now because I don’t have the nice clothes, spend a wad on dinner a few times a week and feel generally superior to others I am less than, illegitimate, inferior. But this is the inner struggle I have. If I can somehow rise above my old ideas, if that dialog doesn’t exist within me any longer ultimatly i'll be a better farmer. I can let go. That sounds so good, like swimming, like freedom. Like peace. Unshackled by the tug of the past. Just simply growing and raising food well.

I'm getting there. Slowly. But with shreds of grace weaved into the struggle that make the journey softer and sweeter.

106 ways to cook okra

2011-09-02T20:15:00.002-05:00

1. Tempura okra

2. southern fried okra

3. okra off the bush while weeding hungry but not yet time or lunch

4. Grilled okra

5. Indian style okra http://youtu.be/yatzD1bJrfM

6. Raw okra salad in cumin yogurt dressing

7. raw okra and cucumbers with apple cider garlicky vinaigrette

8. Raw okra and papaya salad

9. um .......

10... help me out here people

11..........:)

12. Okra added just at the last second to a buffalo stew

13. Grilled okra is good

14. grilled carrots are really good too

15. of course the old stand by jambalaya or whatever that is?

16. Yours...GO!

17. hmmmm?

18. I give up

In spite of conditions

2011-09-01T06:45:00.004-05:00

I'm sure everyone is tired of hearing about the heat and the drought. Right now its a cool 77 just the right temperature for thinking about better times, cooler ones. No matter what the weather does the farm keeps going. It has a life all of its own and sometimes I have to run to keep up with it. There could be four feet of snow on the ground or soaring triple digit temps and the farm doesn't stop. Its really amazing and very comforting to know. The truth of the matter is I stop or at least I want to some days. But the farm and its humans have to work together, there is a synergy between us and when that synergy is working its marvelous. All I have to do is show up. Make sure food and water gets to the right places and that I pay acute attention to my surroundings.

You cant sleep walk through farming. You can be creative and artistic, a thinker and a dreamer but you can not be a sleeper. And auto pilot isn't an option, that's when things can go desperately wrong. You see something strange with an animal you have to investigate and deal immediately or the next time you see that animal it might be dead. Things happen fast. There is no "I'll get to it later". You see a blister beetle in the chard seedlings, do nothing and tomorrow there are no chard seedlings. There is no start and no finish. Surrendering to this is where the joy lives. and when I can learn how to do this I think I'll be a much better farmer.

What I struggle with the most and I have improved tremendously in this area, is surrendering too the fact that having routine doesn't work on this farm. I'm like the goats I love routine I love to know that everything is the same everyday. Okay that is just impossible, period. We milk at the same time, feed at the same time show up to the farmers market at the same day and time but that's it that's the most I can get for routine. Every day presents different needs and experience. Planning is futile. I tried to schedule my day my week and never does it roll out the way I have planned. Either the weather doesn't cooperate, or an animal needs attention or what have you.

The funny thing is I do have a plan. Goals, a clear idea of what I do, what I want to do and what I've done, and sometimes I'm surprised that I'm actually right on track. My dream is to have a diversified farm that can feed 100 +families 75% of their diet. I'm not even close to being there but I'm moving swiftly in that direction. I've put the dream into motion. and I've stayed steadily on track. Sometimes I have to work really hard at it and other times things just all into place.

The other day we were offered the opportunity to buy a small herd of cows from a friend. I wouldn't have got out looking for cows right now but beef is part of the equation and what a great opportunity to get some hands on experience with a small gentile herd. I also order 100 Barred Rock chicks to be delivered next week so we have more eggs for our CSA members in December, when our current flock will slow down substantially in egg production. things just keep moving forward with ease in spite if conditions.

dry times

2011-08-31T07:05:00.003-05:00

More and more I'm seeing the effects of the drought on the pasture. The effects of rain we had a while back is long gone and panic is starting to set in again. There are nice lush grassy places but difficult areas to get the sheep too. I keep waiting. Waiting for rain to wash this whole problem away. Rain to satisfy the dry crusty hard earth. The ponds are holding out so that is a good sign at least, but I'm getting weary and there is just the slightest amount of dread clouding up around us. With the temperatures still in the 100's planting has been put off one more week. According to the forecast we should be looking at cooler temperatures. Beds are ready to be planted.

Yesterday I talked to a man I call my "hay guy". He is an optimist and tells me not to panic. He'll have hay. He's got several fields that just arnt high enough and one or two more rains and we'll be in business, so I'm procrastinating buying hay at $80.00 a bale opposed to $45.00. Its the kind of chance I'm really not confident in taking. If I wait too long I might find myself in worse shape.

Reclaiming our pasture from the decades of abuse and neglect is a slow process. The bare patches of pail dirt and erosion tell a story of a child who has not been loved. I don't own this place I just lease it but I've grown to love it in a motherly way. But its like an abused child and I realize its just going to take time. If given the opportunity to grow a seed I've planted, it retreats, void of the life sustaining nutrients needed. By grazing the sheep they help clean up the dry grasses and weeds, till in their manure from one place to the next. They spread grass seed and nitrogen, then the chickens come and scratch a little go through the manure, till up the thin layer of seed bed and move on to the next spot, then presumably the rains come, making life available. This is a hard slow deliberate way to love someone. Machinery and chemicals are another way but the effects cause greater harm and are short lived. But I can see the temptation. This is an enduring love.

I have plans to buy a manure spreader I can use over the winter to spread horse manure from a nearby stable over the pastures. Again more work for a love I may never reap the rewards from. I know this will pass, at least that's what seems more probable than another dust bowl, but really I don't know. But being positive is my only defence from despair, so I go on and look to next week, next month and hope for a wet cold winter.

no break

2011-08-24T08:51:00.003-05:00

Well it looks like summer is rearing it's ugly head again with temperatures topping 105 degrees. Last week we planted our first round of fall vegetables. We had alright germination but I was really pushing it. It was our plan to plant the second succession of vegetables today but I think I better just wait, soil temps are back up and I don't want to waste the seed. One more week I hope.

I'm telling you fall cannot get here fast enough. Yesterday I'm not sure what I was thinking but Kathleen and I worked in the field from 8am-3pm somehow I thought it was only 97 and found out later temps had gotten to 105 no wonder I could barley move this morning. I kept thinking It was really hot but then would tell myself it was only 97 push through it. I was hoeing and I love to hoe.

Today were working out in the field until 1pm and then spending the rest of the day reading Elliot Coleman. We're gearing up for winter. I think this may be my best winter ever.

Catching up

2011-08-18T10:58:00.003-05:00

I'm taking a little break from fall planting this morning and thought I would catch ya up a little on the farm happenings and such. Well, we are surviving and that thanks to the rain we had last week. Cooled things off just enough to enable us to plant this week and untwist our tighty whities. I'll tell you we were all women on the verge here. On the verge of what I couldn't tell you we were just on the verge.

I'm still having troubles with sheep, The electro net just doesn't hold em any longer even with moving the fence everyday. The ground is so hard its nearly impossible to get the steaks in even with a sledge, the steaks just bend and just pop out. So the last straw was last week when they... all 145 of them were in the garden. No damage really but slightly frustrating. So they are in the 10 acre goat pasture until I can figure something out. I'm kinda stuck with them for the time being. So I will work this out. Got some ideas up my sleeve.

The goats on the other hand are perfect angels in every way. I know, go figure. The sheep I must say do like being in with the goats. Strangely I think the sheep want more attention from us, they are more content when they are close to the goat barn and house. So I really do need to figure this out.

It feels good to start planting fresh clean beds. Kathleen and I have planted arugula, chard, beets, spinach, broccoli rabe, and carrots. Next up is lettuce mix, turnips, kale, collards, more beets and carrots more arugula and spinach. So far so good and this morning the arugula had begun to germinate. Good sign. real good sign.

I'm in the process of applying for a grant to help get the dairy up to grade A and have been talking to potential investors. **If your interested in being one now you just let me know**. But its kind of scary. Not the Grade A dairy and cheese processing facility, that feels like all good. The prospect that I may not raise the money, I may not get the grant. Then what? I don't know and I suppose I haven't really spent too much time thinking about it, but there is a little pang in my heart when I think of the possibility that this might not happen. But I'll know soon enough. But right now I'm positive and motivated.

The cool weather mostly the evening lows of 78 have helped the tomato plants start setting fruit. We may end up with a fall crop after all. The pepper plants too have lots of blossoms. It would be really nice to see things make a come back. Melons and Okra are thriving.

We sent out a call for winter CSA and are nearly sold out, that is pretty inspiring.
So, all in all things are going okay. Days are long and the work seems to never end but I've gotten accustom to it and rather think that's a good sign. I don't mind that its 11:20am and I am caked with dirt and sweat. nothing sweet cool water wont wash right off.

Well, I guess I better get back out there

Time to start getting ready for winter folks!

2011-08-09T07:16:00.003-05:00

Last night it rained! We woke up and both giggled a little. Oh how we didn’t want it to stop. It cooled things down beautifully!
We might just be the middle of the hottest driest summer I’ve ever experienced in Oklahoma since I’ve moved here, but there is one thing for certain, winter is a coming. This means in spite of the heat it’s time to go out into the woods and mark dead trees and trees that need to be thinned for the health of the forest. We won’t cut them down till September, but one day soon I’ll go out with florescent red/orange ribbon and mark what will become our sole heat source come this winter.

A group of us, my closest friends who I call my family will fell, cut and split hickory, black jack oaks and some others whom I haven’t yet learned the names of. It will probably take us a week or more to gather all we need, I alone will go through five or six ricks this winter, and the rest of the family probably the same, maybe a little more but that’s the average. It will be a little difficult getting to some of these trees but the woods will benefit greatly. There is too much competition for sun and moisture. Forest management, good for the land and good for us. It takes a lot of work but its important work that needs to be done.

Being prepared is the key to this life. So we have to think far ahead. Creature comforts are a warm yurt, plenty of dry kindling, you can’t fall short on these things or you suffer. We’ve chosen to live as close to nature as we can, our philosophy our life style, our choices mean a lot to us but it also means we work for these things. We don’t pay for our heat we earn it. We don’t pay for our food we earn it. We pay for motor fuel and the extras that go into the pantry like olive oil and flour and salt and some normal things. I trade what I can, for some vet services, beef when we want it, some produce that we don’t grow. There’s a beauty I’ve discovered in all this it makes the fire seem warmer and the food more delicious. I can’t explain it as well as I would like to but it’s a feeling that comes inside the wave of gratitude.

It’ll be a nice break from field work to wander through the woods marking trees. I’m sure we’ll get our share of ticks and chiggers but it will be nice to be in the shaded coolness just for a spell.

It's 10:05pm do you know where yout farmer is?

2011-08-05T22:05:00.002-05:00

I've chased the sheep out of the field (garden) three times today. No damage ... uh but...we wont be having corn this year....again...long story expect pt 2.

I have consumed approximately two gallons of cold water, 1/2 gal of goat milk, 5 eggs, 1/2 pound cheese, some lettuce ( i bought at wall mart) few strips of bacon, 3 ounces of fried paneer, 2 cucumbers in the field, 1 at dinner, 7 Juliette tomatoes, 1/4 onion, 1 tablespoon of olive oil, oh and a little feta, two slim glasses of wine and one shot of birthday vodka...that I sipped.....sweetly....

Its 10:13 I'm finished with my birthday vodka and now I will go check the charges on the fence and at 3:30 I will drink coffee, at at 5 I will be loaded, goats milked water filled and headed to the farmers market and that will get me through another week, in high spirits with birthday vodka to thank.

Thanks T-Hawk

Have it be for this

2011-08-01T17:08:00.003-05:00

It truly isnt my intention to complain. More just to document. Something I can look back on for a better understanding of some situation somewhere far off into the future. A place I can’t see now, but a place where and when I might feel it necessary to look back on the past. Maybe I’ll need reassurance, maybe I’ll learn things do get better or pray not, things get worse. Documenting a day or a time might not mean much now, writing about the ups and downs, the triumphs and struggles, the tears, the joy, the rich times and poor ones. I got to know they happened. Got to have some proof. Some words, some understanding.

I have memories and hundreds of photographs of a time before this one, the time before I called myself a farmer with some seriousness in the tone and meaning. I have one photograph I took on the beach of Saint Vito Lo Capo in Sicily. It was of my sun tanned feet and the bright clear blue Tyrrhenian Sea behind them. It’s my favorite photograph of myself. My feet looked so relaxed so comfortable and so unaware that these many trips to Sicily would ever come to an end. I’m sure it has something to do with being young and having limited knowledge in the inevitability of change. Bless my little heart.

But just like then and just like now my life continues to change, evolve and transform, and I feel like I’ve come a long way with settling into that. And the older I get the more pleased I am to put some distance between the person I was and the person I am now, not having one iota of a clue of what lay ahead for the person I will become. I have some blind non affiliated faith that I’ll be okay. But I do have to admit when I wake up at times between the hours of two and four A.M. it all comes up for me to question.

Truth be told, I’m struggling a little right now. I’m trying to keep my chin up and I’m quite pleased with the job I’ve been doing but I’m losing a chicken a day to the relentless blistering heat. The animals are suffering the most discomfort and I try what I can to help. No casualties with sheep or goats thankfully but I have to say this heat is taking its toll on every creature four and two legged, round and oval heads alike on this farm. We find ways to cope and to keep a good attitude and look to the future, that’s the best remedy. There are little things that give me great pleasure like my solar shower and waking up each morning to the sounds of my heart beating in perfect sync with the natural world.

These nonstop days of 100+ degrees is reaching desperate levels. I’ve been told it’s been over 30 days of this. I try to hide my discomfort, mostly for myself, denial I guess. But getting things accomplished after 10 am takes everything I got. Kathleen my intern seems to really be taking it in stride but I wonder sometimes if she doesn’t have her dark moments too, when she just wants to give up and throw in the hoe. We don’t talk about these things. Cant. You’d understand. It’s just fuel to the flames. Stay quite about it, head down make some jokes, spray your face and head off with the hose. Let it run a while till it’s cold and go back to work. Come back in a few minutes and do it again.

The other day I sat on the floor of my office escaping the heat, thumbing through seven years of journals. With some comfort I learned that after August 15th temps start dropping dramatically, something to look forward to. But work needs to be done now. Important work. Fall planting, so I have produce in October and November. Broccoli, carrots, beets, fall tomato plants all need to be cared for now, not then, now.

Last Sunday night we got a ½ inch we think of rain, I lay in bed listening to it with a huge grin on my face, not giving a rats ass that the windows in my truck were wine open. When I first heard the patter on the roof of the yurt I was worried, worried it would stop, but after sometime my worry turned to exhilaration and excitement and Monday morning Kathleen and I spent the day on the tractor preparing the fall/winter beds. It was just what we needed. It was wonderfully cool in the morning and by late afternoon it was back to sweltering but we were fine ‘cause we were living in the future. We were plowing that field for October and we saw ourselves in it picking and cultivating in October until first hard freeze.

I have been offered some relief at times, when the wind hits me just right I get Goosebumps on my arms, breasts and stomach. I feel a deep chill. For a spit second I have to check in make sure it’s not a heat related illness, but mostly it’s just a split second of relief, when a breeze be it hot hits my damp sweat drenched body I’m cooled. But it aint enough, I want more. I want take a swim in the Mediterranean and eat gelato and go to a nice restaurant at ten O’clock at night. I want to sip limoncello under the starts with hot salty sea air in my nose. Sometimes I want this. Sometimes. Not all the time, not most the time not hardly ever, jus’ sometimes.

The sun goes down and I come back to life. We busy ourselves with preparing dinner, the night sounds blend in with the guitar strums. A cool shower under the stars before we crawl under the sheet. A fan gently blows on us and the temperature is warm but bearable and sleep is thick and deep, things don’t seem so bad.

yurt life, it suits me

2011-07-29T18:12:00.004-05:00

I could go on and on about how miserably hot its been, how the grass under my feet sounds like I'm walking on potato chips, I could tell you that by 2pm I'm walking no faster than a turtle and even my talking slows down like someone has put their finger on the turn table. I can tell you more....but I wont. What I will say is I am in love with my outdoor shower. There is just nothing better! I have it situated between two trees and have established a fine routine so the water temp is just right, not too hot.

After a day of first cheese making, then tractor work getting fall beds ready, then moving sheep, and brush hogging, then cultivating and watering, then milking goats, then moving the chicken bus, you can imagine this girl could really use a shower, and I cant tell you how wonderful it is to take one under the canopy of trees with a breeze hitting you just right. Splendid! that's what it is!

These days are tiring, I've quit complaining because there comes a time you just don't have the energy to, so We just get through the day and at about 6:30pm I hang up my hat and retire to the yurt where I take a shower in the trees, then fix a simple dinner, drink a glass or two of wine, play my guitar, read and fall into a coma. Yurt life truly agrees with me. Yurt life makes all this bearable because I feel like I'm camping and usually when you camp your on vacation or something so I'm basically psyching myself out. Hey it works. I'm all smiles when I get yurt. I don't know what it is but its wonderful. The hard part is leaving it in the morning to go to work.

Counting Sheep

2011-07-19T17:02:00.011-05:00

There is nothing that makes me lose more sleep then the sheep. I know its sounds crazy but probably out of all the things I do here at the farm (milk Nubian goats, make cheese, grow a market garden, host farm table dinners, raise hens for eggs and meat) the sheep have got me over a barrel. Maybe they are just the scape goat (hardy har har) for the inadequacy I feel sometimes in regards to my own ability to farm.

So here's the deal I have now 43 ewes, I have 40 female lambs, and 37 male lambs, these are what we call the butcher lambs. I have a lot of pasture for them but the pasture is not that great and with this drought not growing either. So in order to keep them happy, with the help of my two interns we move the sheep nearly everyday. This is quite an undertaking. it takes a lot of time and effort and at the end of it all i'm not completely sure its worth it. Hay prices are going to be high and my cost are going to go up. So far I've just been able to break even and cover my costs.... but lordy I have bills to pay and I need to see some kind of profit here.

So I'm considering giving up on the sheep business and just cutting my losses.

but here's the deal again,
Sheep are beautiful. I love watching them graze I know they are helping the pasture instead of harming it, I like the fact that I produce pastured lamb which is healthy and nutritious that was raised sustainably and with care and ...love. I like having that say over the meat I eat and raise for others. There is nothing more beautiful than holding a newborn lamb or listen to the chewing sounds that sing out like a brilliant choir when the sheep are let into a new pasture.

I'm on the fence about this. I'm weighing out the pros and cons the problem is the cons are logical and based on numbers and time and energy the pros are emotionally driven and based on things that are difficult to quantify.

Could I cut down on the flock. Yes, and If I do decide to keep sheep I will do just that, but I still need to go beyond hobby shepherding and actually get to a point where they are contributing some green back to this here venture. Is it possible? in all honesty I haven't figured it out. I've spent what probably seems like hours on the phone with my friend Nanc crying on her shoulder. She also raises sheep. I'm crunching numbers and counting losses and try to predict gains and hope that some light is shed and I can do this and do this well.

But I'm a busy girl trying to do a lot of things and I need some down time, some time to kick back. In one week I'll be 45! I cant run around like I'm 44 any longer. But serously I want sheep in my life, I want goats in my life and chickens. I want a beautiful garden I want to produce food for myself and make a life of producing food for others.

So who knows

plenty

2011-07-13T18:59:00.005-05:00

The beautiful thing about farming or homesteading or gardening or whatever you want to call it, is your life is set up to provide you with food. In one form or another. I have a chefs farm, I raise and attempt to raise all of my favorite foods; Lamb, pastured chickens, eggs, vegetables, milk and cheese.... its like crazy! its thrilling, exhilarating, humbling and exhausting. In all honesty I don't really know how long I can manage to keep this up, But...it is kind of addicting.

Yesterday was chicken processing day. Myself and my two interns, Josey and Kathleen created our supper, we've raised these chickens, we've pastured them we've loved and cared for them and now its full circle to their final destination our bodies. and to our CSA members, we'll be processing 40 all together. Josey and Kathleen have already participated in this experience at Heifer ranch where they both worked previously so it was pretty sweet having these confident and able women take on this task with me.

And tonight I make fried chicken. What a treat! I'm even mashing some Yukon golds and boilin'up some corn. Its a farm raised feast! and one I couldn't be more humbled by. Its been a long road traveled for this meal. I'm going to savor every bite.

Pile of feathers

2011-07-08T09:26:00.003-05:00

Nights in the yurt are truly spectacular, the cool night breeze, the sound of the frogs, cicada’s, crickets, hoot owl, whip- poor- wills combined make the most beautiful orchestra. However there are the other sounds that don’t quite chime in right and that is the sound of a chicken in distress followed by all four guard dogs frenzied barks and the whoop and song of a coyote that sounds no more than 50 feet from where I am laying… up until that point trying to get some sleep. I bolt out of bed and do what any girl in a yurt would and grab the gun.

So it’s me and my shot gun now trolling the night. Its 2:30 in the morning. I can hardly see a thing, my “powerful” flashlight is a piece of shit and I know better than just to shoot out into the darkness, So I make the rounds with what I can only describe as candle light, through all the animal pens. The goats all stood by the fence like statues all 20 heads pointed toward the barn. I investigate see nothing. I make my way to the hen-a- bego (hen house) nothing, all is calm. The dogs have quieted down. Ginger see’s the gun and goes into hiding. (She hates the sound of the blast) I see no need to shoot it other than just that I’m up, its now 3:30 and I’m pissed. But I don’t. I wander back to the yurt and hope for a quiet morning of rest.

I sleep and dream of cucumbers that are too ripe, and peppers too small and tomato plants with no fruit. 5:15 the alarm goes off. That’s when I get real sleep I sleep peacefully for another hour and a half and finally pull myself to put the kettle on for coffee. It’s going to be strong. After a stout brew and some words written in my journal, I splash water on my face throw my old farm clothes on and head out for the day. I pass a pile of feathers. Right in front of the harvest shed, lots of feathers. Too close. Too close.

I’m almost certain it was a coyote but what would possess it to come so darn close to the main area of the farm? there is so much traffic that goes in and out of this area. I just don’t understand it. So tonight, the dogs get put up and I hide and wait. Coyotes at least around here are like clockwork same time same place. So I wait.

Yurt days of summer

2011-07-06T08:08:00.007-05:00

It all started with a septic tank back up. Four weeks ago today our septic backed up only 8 weeks after we had it pumped, we were told it looked like there may problems with our lateral lines and they may need to be replaced or repaired. Because I rent I notified my landlord, he responded by telling me he may raise the rent to cover the cost. I was a little dismayed, but what choice do I have? When you rent your at the mercy of your landlord and his/her timelines. I really love this place and it fits with my farm business model like beans and corn bread. So I have to admit because I love this place so much I tend feel certain indebtedness and it causes me not to make demands or hold my land lord accountable for fear of losing this great space. So there is fair amount I put up with in exchange.

I’m in no position to move onto my own land at this point but things like this motivate me into action that’s for sure. It’s the septic now, last winter it was no heat for three weeks during the coldest time of the winter, I finally called and got the heater fixed and paid for it out of my own pocket just because I didn’t want to be a bother, and now raw sewage is backing up out of the pipe coming out of the ground right outside our back door. Well not really… ‘cause you know I wouldn’t let that happen.

When yuz git lemons make you some lemonade! After the first week of no word from the landlord I decided to take things into my own hands so I build a sawdust toilet and a three compartment compost bin. ( http://humanurehandbook.com/humanure_toilet.html ) I used to use one at my old house and loved it! Dump out the dish water and laundry mat to clean clothes. Shower and sink water drains out onto the front yard as grey water and it’s not really that bad. It made me think about all the things I take for granted. And it made me think about how dependant I have become since I moved here on a un- self-sufficient lifestyle.

So first came the composting toilet then came the yurt. Let me back up….in 2003 when I moved from Seattle to Tulsa Oklahoma I brought with me a yurt ( http://www.pacificyurts.com/ ) I lived in this yurt for one year. Then I moved into a house. I hung onto said yurt and put it up for intern housing here at the farm. It’s such a long story how I came to decide to move into the yurt myself, but I suppose I needed to find a way to feel empowered to feel like I had some sort of control over the way I live. I needed something that was mine. I crave the bliss of self sufficiency. And truly it is bliss, I’ve felt it and lived it for many years I just got separated from it for a little while. And I must say I am so fortunate to have a partner who feels exactly the same.

I love living in the yurt. The space is clean and simple and it has a real calming energy to it. The yurt helps us be more self sufficient. We have water pumped in from a well, we have a nice sink, and grey water pond, we have a compost toilet, an extension cord to run some lights and a fan, a wood stove to cook and heat with in the winter. It’s sort of like really uptown camping. We are trying to be as sustainable and self sufficient as possible. We’re not off grid just half off our grid.
What about the house. The house hasn’t changed a bit I spend my days making cheese in the kitchen and now I have more space to age and the farm feels like it’s a real business with a real future. There is less traffic going in and out and I feel like I’m making steps forward to getting the Kitchen certified for cheese production. Maybe its all just a pipe dream. I have many steps but I’m a walking.

So I’m not sure what will happen with the lateral lines and I’ll just take it all in stride, hope for some grace and continue to eek out a peaceful living off this beautiful land for as long as I can.

Here are some pictures Composting toilet

Summer work

2011-06-20T20:15:00.001-05:00

Tonight after my work was finished I sat in the garden studying a squash plant, hoping for some answers. Earlier it was the beans and yesterday it was broken limbs of several tomato plants that took quite a beating several nights ago in a storm that blew through. Summer is here no matter what the calendar says. Summer for me is marked by scorching days in the field battling crab grass and Bermuda on behalf of struggling vegetable crops.

It’s like this every year, the only difference is this year the work I’m doing now is a month early. My spring work of lumbering through soggy fields admiring heads of lettuces and greens standing out against the dark soil, with only little cultivation needed passed quickly, I feel like I missed it all together. I do get little comfort in knowing come fall I’ll get another chance. The carrots, beets, turnips, radishes and all things spring will get their chance to flourish again come the cool days of fall. But right now it’s down to the summer business of daily harvesting, hacking away at the grass that threatens the peppers, tying up tomato plants, and of course watering.

Something is getting my squash plants. It very well could be the vine borer but when I dissect a wilting plant I find no trace. Whatever it is, it strikes at the base of the plant just barely below soil level like a cut worm, although, again I have found no evidence. So there I am sitting, watching, expecting the answer to appear before my very eyes. It’s always something, squash bugs, vine borers. So I just take out the dead and dying, cultivate the soil a bit and re- plant usually no questions asked. No use fighting with squash bugs although I do try and I will go to the effort of careful surgery on the vine borer.

I miss the cool mornings of spring, walking into the field in a sweat shirt, shorts and muck boots wet with dew, coffee in hand and small pad of paper in my pocket. No time for that now, no time for morning walks. Mornings are windows of opportunities to get hard jobs done before the heat becomes unbearable. Walks now are in the evening just before the sun goes down, glass of wine in hand and a small pad of paper in my pocket so I can write down something I see that needs to be done. I can’t trust myself to remember.

Summer is a crucial time of year, it’s when all the winter planning comes to bear fruit, failure and success delicately balanced, anything could happen and usually does. So much rides on summer, recouping all the investment that came from purchasing seed, compost, tools and labor and insuring a smooth financial transition into winter when income is extremely small. Back in February when I first broke the winter sod with the chisel plow, cutting through the earth loosening the ground to make way for an edible landscape I was full of hope of what summer would bring. Sometimes things don’t work out and I have to cut my losses, I’ve come to accept that now and come to understand what is worth saving.

It only takes a few things going wrong to make summer a living hell and it only takes a few things going right to make that living hell half bearable. One must be an optimist to survive an Oklahoma summer. One must always look to cooler days and second chances and lessons learned. That’s part of summer work, mopping your face with your filthy shirt and going on to the next thing on the list.

Being honest

2011-06-09T20:33:00.002-05:00

I left a new out going message on my phone today. I had procrastinated long enough. People must know why! why I never return calls, why I never have my phone with me and why I never answer my phone even when its in my pocket.

"Hello, you've reached Lisa at living kitchen farm and dairy, if you are calling about reservations for farm table dinners please e-mail us at Living Kitchen at G mail dot com. Your call is very important to us and please know this is the busiest time of year so we may not get back to you right away...bla bla bla....."

Lets get real:

"Hello you've reached Lisa" (who cant carry her phone with her around the farm because inevitably it falls out of my pocket and gets lost or eaten. or I set it down on the back of the truck, 4 Wheeler or a 2X4 in the barn and it takes me about 4 days to find it) "e-mail us with reservations" (so a responsible person actually gets it) "Your call is very important to us (it is !with out you the goats and I are no one). "Please know this is the busiest time of year. (I am up to my ears in sheep fencing, manure, crab grass, soil and sweat, my patience has been "disappeared" and luckily I am self aware to know not to call you back when I do have time which is when I am peeing and really because I'm so dehydrated its only a couple of seconds and who knows where I am, or when I'm finally done with the day because my speech becomes incredibly impaired ). "So we may not get back to you right away" (until I hand the phone to Linda and she calls you back)

(If I do happen to answer the phone.....e-mail our conversation anyway because 10 seconds after we hang up I have forgotten everything we've talked about. and if you've told me a number or an e-mail, well I've written it on whatever I could which might be a with a stick in the sand or on the back of a feed bag with dirt or blood depending on how the day has gone).

I should not own a phone.

but ya know what ? today I gave a farm tour to a gardening group, I battled crab grass, harvested nearly 200 pounds of new potatoes, bunched red onions, milked the goats, and made 8 gallons worth of chevre. Add you don't even want to know what I did yesterday.

Everything I do results in food in one form or the other. I figure most folks I know prefer it this way.

We choose our battles.

The twins

2011-06-02T05:50:00.000-05:00

Boris and Igor on tick patrol

Days like these

2011-06-01T06:03:00.005-05:00

I was at the feed store when the sheep made a run for it. Scattered about in the front yard and dirt road. No telling why when they do break out they make a Bee line to the house. Lambs mowing the front yard isn't that bad but its when they start wondering down the road toward the highway when it becomes a problem.

"Should I take them all up to the barn?" Says a voice on the other end of the phone. This is my intern for the summer Josey.

"Yea, that would be good and then we'll just deal with the fence when I get back" I say

I hung up the phone and sat in the truck for a minute thinking; wow, Josey can just bring the sheep back, just like that! When I got back the sheep were back in the barn area waiting for what I don't know. So the day was again struggling with electronet fences trying to get a charge. This is my life!

The garden needed to be hoed and watered, the cheese needed to be strained, the list of farm chores was huge but I spent the day arranging fences, and checking the charge.
Covered in ticks, a cloud of mosquitoes hovered around my filthy sweaty body waiting for me to quit moving so they could feast! Finally I finished. Hopefully this will hold them for a while.

Yesterday was the first day of a string of many that I will make my peace with the Oklahoma heat and in spite of it being nearly unbearable I will endure. I will want to lay under a shade tree and die but instead I will keep working. I will drink gallons of water and have on long sleeve cotton shirts and a big hat. and at the end of the day I will peal off my filthy clothes and stand silent in a cold shower until I shiver. I like days like these, not the whole sheep thing but
the hard work. I like it. It makes me feel some how alive. I feel like I earn what I have including a cold shower. Nothing is free and I pay for it with muscle and sweat. That's what most of my pleasures costs.

Watching things grow

2011-05-31T06:29:00.002-05:00

The pups as we refer to them are now reaching 80 pounds, They are still bouncing pups but they are simply getting huge. At 6 months I can hardly pick them up and thankfully I don't have too! Its hard to get a good picture of them because their always moving so I get one blurred shot after another. Unlike the goats who will pose for me the pups see the camera and run directly nose first into it.

By all accounts in spite of them just being pups they are doing their job, protecting the livestock. They are in with the goats while I have the llamas in with the sheep, just easier for me and them I think. Its amazing how well they fit in with the goats. Whats wonderful is they stay in the fence, they actually stay in with the goats, So I've done something right.

Patents is definitely a virtue I'm learning to make peace with. Its still such a struggle for me. I plant a seed and I have to wait some times 6 months before I see results, or like garlic, plant in October harvest in June cure till July or August that's nearly one year. Need a guard dog? get a puppy from a breed of proven guards and wait. I am just so accustomed to faster outcomes and results. My cooking background has me in the mind set of a prep list gets finished in a days work and results are immediate. A few things like bread or a slow cooked roast but were talking hours not months. Slow food? Slow life. I learn to wait. My struggle is I don't feel like I have time to wait?

I watch things grow all the while with my fingers crossed. The vegetables, the lambs, the goats, The chickens, the farm, I watch it grow ever so slowly and I try not to get discouraged or entangled in my expectations of how fast things should grow. This is my greatest challenge. I feel in a rush to succeed, to reach my goals, to cross things off the list. To get to that place I feel like I need to be in order to rest, and rest seems to never come. But its the old cliche about the journey isn't it, and its letting go of my attachments to results.

For weeks I've watched a wimpy little transplant of chard turn into a beautiful huge plant. The flavor is delicious far exceeding my expectations. But what I have realized is I missed the middle. I go from transplant to full grown. A to B and I seem to have little memory of the in between. I'm so focused on results. I'm attached to the out come because I feel like I have a lot ridding on the outcome. This is the year I stand on solid ground, this is the year I create some stability in the future of this farm. But I have said this every year since I started nearly eight years ago.

The journey. The act of just being here watching things grow, being a part in how it all goes down. Being present. Much easier said than done. I crave that slow life of being present to the miracle of day to day life on the farm. I'm the only one that stands in my way. There is no one saying I cant do this. But its changing the way I look at things and that is difficult, not because of desire but because of experience and exposure. I'm learning to live way outside of my comfort zone. I think the most fascinating thing about this has been watching myself grow in this seasonal life.

Walks with goats

2011-05-27T06:47:00.007-05:00

What do you do for fun? folks will sometimes ask. I walk the goats, I answer.

You know things must be going really well If I have time to do this. With chores finished and plenty of light still left and a simple dinner of hot and sour soup in our bellies Linda and I decided to take the goats for a walk.

Behind the goat pasture is another maybe 5 acre strip, its bordered by forest and it leads into a narrow strip of pasture and then to another larger strip. Its very beautiful and there are lots of really great things to eat. I don't let the goats forage on their own back there mostly because its wild kingdom for sure, but a an hour or so of some amazing grazing does us all of us a world of good.

Sheep and Goats

2011-05-26T06:47:00.004-05:00

You know the sheep have gotten a front seat in my life since January. A while back I discovered they were getting more attention than anything on this farm including myself! Goat barns remained un mucked so fences could get moved. The goats have been unbelievably understanding, while the sheep have been demanding and seem to never be satisfied. I love the sheep in their glorious proud beauty, but the goats are my pals, I can tell them just about anything. I feel a camaraderie with the goats like we're in this together. Maybe this is why I don't eat goats.

But I figure the sheep serve an important purpose in my life and because they are getting raised for food they deserve as much care and attention as I can muster. So they come first. Their pasture is my top priority, their health is given scrutinizing attention. They are also less able to fend for them self and require more attention especially from the blasted barberpole worm. The goats on the other hand have been my rocks. Little to no problems at all. But I'm really starting to understand how this is all supposed to work. I think I kept expecting things to somehow take care of itself, I think I had the impression that I could just sit back and watch the farm evolve naturally and I wouldn't really have such a big role. The fact remains that the animals on this farm doubled this year and while that may have been a little true with half of the amount of animals on the farm it certainly isn't the case now.

So mentally I'm finally catching up with my own farm evolution. I'm starting to find my place here. Its not that the work is less but somehow with finally surrendering things have gotten remarkably easier. Now it does make a huge difference that I have an amazing support team. My partner is a huge positive force in the success of this farm and now, the intern Josey has just blown me away with her work ethic and knowledge. I can breathe now. I can read, I can write and I even picked up my guitar last night for the first time in months. This is how things are supposed to be.

One thing I have come to accept and also possibly surrender to is change. But I'm not going to focus on the what ifs I'm going with this positive tide I'm caught up in and see where it takes me.

new passions

2011-05-25T06:52:00.003-05:00

We have been very fortunate to have missed some bad storms, we’re received lots of rain and that’s just what we needed. The garden is a swamp right now but our pastures must be singing! So glad to see that rain! and the rich lushness it creates which serves as a food source for over 98% of the inhabitants of this farm.

Things are going pretty good so far, the new intern Josey is an absolute dream, raised among dairy goats she’s a natural with the animals. Such a hard and fast worker we’ve managed to not only get caught up but make up for lost time early in the season. She is no stranger to farm life and just fit right in from the moment she arrived. She has a great positive attitude and let me tell you when you’re working the long hard days that we are, a positive cheerful outlook makes the day go by so much easier! How did I get so lucky!

So I must say the last week has been wonderful. It feels so good to come in from a day’s work and feel like I accomplished something. Now with Josey my work days are down to 11 hours from the 15 7 days a week two weeks ago. We work from 7am until about 5:30/6pm Sundays off. Life feels so great right now I’m actually enjoying farming again! I had some dark moments there for a bit.

So yea! Loving life right now beyond belief! The garden is really shaping up, the sheep are happy in their new beautiful barn and new rotation plan. The goats are healthy and as cantankerous as ever, the pups are good, the new pullets are starting to lay. The wild flowers are blooming and the grass is growing! What more could I ask for it’s a perfect storm for a successful season! This is my year peeps I just feel it. In spite of it starting a little rough it really feels like the wrinkles are starting to shake out (lord knows I don’t know how to operate an iron).

So I’ve got dreams folks, I’ve got goals. And for the first time this season I actually think I can pull it off. This is going to be the best Farm Table Dinner year, the best year in the garden and the year I dig myself out of debt. The hole is not very deep but its time. I’m putting all my eggs in that basket. And I am going to work as hard as I can. This is my year I can feel it. You know what I’m talking about? And I’m not even going to go to that place that tells me I can’t! I’m not going to that place that tells me I don’t deserve it, I’m just not going there! I’m going to stay in the place that says I can and I will!

Now I think I will go strain my chevre and make the best cheese ever!
I’m feeling good!

Driving Sheep and going mad

2011-05-21T13:10:00.005-05:00

I drove the sheep to the upper barn two days ago. What drove them was the anticipation of grain. I love grain because they love grain and I can pretty much get them anywhere I want or need with the four wheeler and a bag of ewe and ram pellets. So up from the lower pasture to the upper pasture where I hope the eating will be to their liking.

I have really had to re-think this rotational grazing program. Its a lot more difficult than I had ever anticipated and I see no difference in their overall health. I've had three ewes come down with bottle jaw, (a symptom of barber pole worm). So my thought was to get them on some new pasture that had been grazed by cows the last three years. My second thought was to increase my ability get them in a barn where I can monitor them better and use the shoot to evaluate and treat more frequently if needed. I really am keeping a close eye on the lambs.

Some times I honestly think its more trouble than its worth. The endless hours moving fences, water hoses, shelters, treating sick animals and burying the few that don't make it is such a stressful endeavour. I seriously loose sleep over it and when I finally do sleep I dream about it. But then there are mornings that they all just look so beautiful. Or when I'm witness to the quite afternoon naps curled up next to the hay. Everyone seems so at peace and content.

I have one job and that is to keep everyone alive. To protect them from disease, parasites, coyotes, storms, dogs. Its a tall order. Last count was 132 ewes and lambs. I've lost a few lambs to coyotes and two ewes from barber pole worm. That's not bad I guess but when your trying to make a life from this work it gets to you. I have the ability to criticize my work worse than anyone. Its raw and sensitive I'm terribly hard on myself. I love my work and feel I'm doing everything to my ability but sometimes I just want to bury my head in the sand.

Then there are times like last night my body exhausted and caked with dirt and sweat, earlier in the day I was working in pouring rain wearing head to toe slickers and a black leather outback rain hat. I had been focused and mindful and present and this is where I find myself. This is my work. Its not easy and it drives me to tears at times, but I get to feel everything. Its actually quite a gift to get to do this. and as much stress as this is there are times of profound peace.

I teeter emotionally with the farmer I am and the pieces of city girl that still remain. Both of me fighting the good fight. Its a fight between how things really are and how I want them to be. Sometimes I feel pulled over the edge by one or the other. When I get pulled over by the city girl I feel discontent when I get pulled over by the farmer I feel at home. Why cant this city girl just leave me be?? Why cant she know that things are never going to be perfect that this work is a beautiful struggle and is never finished that real results happen in years not hours or minutes. Why cant she just be satisfied with the truth and listen to the mockingbirds instead of writing lists all the dang time? So its like I'm in a relationship with two different selves trying to make it work. I'm commited, I mean neither one of us is going anywhere so its about giving each other grace.

But tonight the city girl will rule I'll put on nice clothes and lipstick, tie my hair up nice and go into Tulsa to help a friend work her booth at May Fest. The farmer self will get tucked away in my heart temporarily and I'll go all city, probably even have a cocktail. I suppose its really quite schizophrenic.

Balancing act

2011-05-17T09:53:00.005-05:00

I should be out working. But I'm taking it a little easier than normal just to give this cold a reason to move out of my body more quickly. I woke up at 6am instead of 5am and I was in bed by 8:30 last night. Colds hate that! I do feel lots better but its hanging on and is giving my lungs a run for their money.

This farm is a balancing act that only works if you just let go. try not to concentrate to hard and just go with it. Don't look down, don't look backward, and don't look too far ahead or it all falls apart. Being in the present is like floating. Its effortless while your there. The hard part is staying there. I tend to get caught up in the net of anxiety, stressed out about the future, still trying to work things out in the past and often I'll just miss the whole day. Today has been a good day for allowing myself to just be in the moment. Mostly I have no choice, my body is exhausted and my brain has just given in. I need rest and whether I like it or not its not up to me I'm getting rest. Which has helped. My hands are tied.

I took my time milking all 12 goats this morning. I took my time bottle feeding, I took my time tending to all of the other animals and I'll take my time setting up new fence for the sheep today. Today I'm taking my time. Now chores did take me around three hours, which normally would drive me bonkers, but who cares. At this point I honestly don't. At around noon the new intern arrives and I will take my time showing her around.

I really need to get sick more often. I feel pretty chill.

The troops came marching in

2011-05-16T06:42:00.004-05:00

Early last week I put the word out to a couple of folks asking if they might want to come out and help me get the tomato and pepper plants in. Thursday two CSA members showed up at 8am and we were a team! Thursday became operation put'n out tomato and peppers! We planted a total of around 800 plants. In record time I might add. What would have taken me three days to do took 4 people 5 hours. Yea! Seriously I was nearly in tears I was so grateful. I am so much closer to being caught up, as a matter of fact I really am caught up now. Eggplant goes in next week a second succession of beets, beans , corn and turnips and I'm set. Its all about keeping things healthy and alive. (easier said than done).

The problem now is I have a full blown cold. Yup not good. You see I really need to rest and if I don't I'll just get worse but how do you rest when so many things have to be done? Linda is out of town for the next four days on business. What I have to do is just let it go. I have to rest. So I'll just choose a few really important things that cant wait and that's it. I'm not like totally under the weather but I have very little strength. So whats going to happen is if I don't take care of myself is, I will find myself flat on my back for more days than I care to admit. So my list just got very short.

a few things that cant wait and rest.

The short list includes:

cleaning the house, this gives me some sense of control and order.

administrative stuff like returning e-mails and phone calls (imagine that)

putting up a new rotation for the sheep who are seriously working my ass.

laying in bed with a giant cup of tea falling in and out of sleep and writing lists:)

That sounds like a good day to me.

Hard work and happiness

2011-05-14T15:00:00.004-05:00

Part of farming that I have come to understand is that the difference between farming and having a farm is all about selling. If your "farming" than most likely your selling hopefully the crops that you've been raising. If you have a farm, either someone else is farming it or you are simply enjoying it, This is where I believe the term hobby farm comes in. Not having to be stressed about the farm bills. Your income doesnt depend on what the farm produces. Usually the person who has a farm also has money and the person farming does not. Its really strange but to the best of my experience this is how it is. I suppose some folks out there might have both.

I do not have a farm. I farm. simply put I lease land and I try my darnedest to eek out a living from it. Maybe this sounds totally ridiculous. Maybe I'm over thinking this a little and what is my point anyway? But my dirty little secret is I want both. Someday I want to own the land I farm, someday. not today this year or next just someday. I love it here, I mean this is an amazing place I couldn't be any luckier, just saying. But I'm a long way from that right now. Each year gets better and I get a little wiser.

The last month has been pretty difficult. The work load is enormous and unfortunately I've fallen very behind. I am catching up finally and that feels good but its taken three straight weeks of 12-15 hour days 7 days a week. On Saturdays we wake up at 3am so we can milk, feed babies and load up for the farmers market. On farm table dinner nights its a 20 hour day. Tonight there is no farm table dinner. I've already worked an eight hour day and there is still so much to do, but in all honesty I'm too tired to lay irrigation tape, pound in a grounding rod for the electric fence, clean house or any other productive things, so I decided when I woke up with a really bad sore throat it was time to let these things go for today. So here I am writing. trying not to sound overtired and overwhelmed.

For a multitude of reasons the intern that started a month ago is gone this weekend. She had other plans that needed tending to and the demands of this level of farming was truly challenging, big lessons I'm sure for the both of us indeed. Next week an Animal Science student from Purdue University starts and for this I am giddy. Having someone who grew up on a farm and knows her way around goats is going to be a great blessing for us. I've decided not to take a second intern and just hire a friends daughter to help with barn and animal care. This is what I really need. So things are looking up and I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

The sheep are doing well. I've had some real challenges with the rotational grazing. The dry weather was producing a very skimpy pasture. At one point I was rotating the sheep daily and that just became too much so I finally just broke down and let them run the whole acreage. This worked until they slipped through the barbed wire and wound up in the garden. Back to the rotation. Even though my heart and mind is behind the whole rotational grazing thing, don't let anyone tell you its easy. Its not, its work and its management and to do it right you have to be on top of things. It has been a real challenge for me this year with so many more animals (80ish lambs) and I've been running to keep up with the rate of their eating.

In spite of being totally exhausted I do feel good about things. I have gotten so much accomplished, and I do see that this year is the turning point. Farm table dinners are getting a lot of attention, animals are good, things are growing. I feel like there are some real possibilities here.

Last week I had a ewe get sick (barber pole worm) I treated her and she started making a recovery by was too week to get up on her own. She was eating and chewing her cud but just very week. I was rushing around in the garden trying to get ahead before the rain came, when I felt a couple of drops I went out to get the sick ewe under a large tree for shelter as I lifted her the sky opened up and just poured. I managed to get her under the tree, I sat over her making sure she didn't get stepped on by the other 30 ewes who wanted to share the shelter of the tree with us. There we all were nose to nose, tightly knitted together. The storm raged loud with high pitched thunder and bright lightning and we sat quite as grass. The smell of warm wet wool and grass filled the air, I was getting drenched. The ewe laid with her head in my lap and we waited out the storm. I felt so very happy.

The asparagus dinner

2011-05-05T22:15:00.003-05:00

This is the menu for the Asparagus dinner, I have tons of commentary to add but it Will have to wait, for now but......

Asparagus dinner
First
Asparagus and chevre pizzettes
Second
Asparagus and green garlic bisque
Third
Asparagus and carrot slaw with sweet and sour spring onions
For the mouth
Blueberry lime ice
Fifth
Asparagus lasagna with arugula pasta, goat milk mozzarella
sixth
Goat milk ice cream with strawberries from Three Springs Farm and and and pecan short bread

Made with much love and gratitude for our good friends Mike and Emily from Three Springs Farm, and those who have graced us with their presence at our farm table dinners, all have been such a inspiring force of inspiration for us here at Living Kitchen Farm and Dairy.

Oh my do I have a story to tell.....
But here are the wines I think my Seattle wine snobs would tell me....
Pinot noir young very fruity. (Oregon, sheeeeooosh)
Or a beefy chard (only because its not like your just picking up a piece of asparagus and eating it in that case a sauve blanc would be in order).

My disclaimer ... wait,,,,
DISCLAIMER
1:i am really tired
2: I've enjoyed a little over the limit box wine (bota)
3: do you have any idea how many tomato plants I have to put out,,,,,
4: I really should go to bed but I've had too much box wine
5: would you believe I used to be a wine snob and moved here from Seattle with several cases of my favorites???????
6: does that even matter any more?????
7: g'night
8: is any body even reading this????

Today I feel bigger, stronger and farmy-er than yesterday

2011-05-04T22:17:00.001-05:00

Ruby

2011-05-03T21:15:00.002-05:00

Ruby is just about ready to jump off the stanchion. But before she does I grab her head and I hold it close to my chest and I bend my neck down and I give her the biggest kiss on the cheek. She licks me, I hold her there and I pet and rub her cheeks (goats love this)more kisses and more licks and then she jumps down and shes out of the milk parlor looking for alfalfa. She was the second to the last one up tonight although she is prime queen material in my opinion but I'll leave that to the herd to figure out. Sally of course is the herd queen and I would never change that but ruby has some queen qualities.

There are some goats I just have a special relationship with, Ruby is one such goat. This is her first freshening and I must say she got all A's! she's turning out to be a fabulous milker. Not all of my girls I feel this about.....most, but not all. I punch the time clock, squeeze some teats, get lots of milk, strain it, chill it, bottle it or make cheese out of it and go on with the normal day. But there seems to be in every job I've ever had those few individuals you can have a good time with, joke around with or console each other or just have a really engaging relationship. Purely platonic but special. I'm lucky I work with a bunch of really fun, really cantankerous girls. There are some that get on my every last nerve, but for the most part my co workers are a blast and I feel lucky to know them.

I've been given em' an ear full lately. I've been so busy and things just don't seem to be lightening up, I tell them everything. Often they come up with the most profound advice and that is the old foot in the bucket. It means be present to the moment;as Baba Ram Das would say "Be Here Now!" See those girls are deep! There's the foot in the bucket and then there is the famous double back, when they're just about out the door and they double back and get back on the stanchion and start eating grain. This means 'chill bitch, lets just do what feels right, even if its wrong'. I don't listen to this business at all!But all in all their good people.

Jai and TJ

2011-04-27T21:18:00.002-05:00

The air i breathe

2011-04-16T16:34:00.004-05:00

It's just been nuts. You know how it is; 85ish lambs 50ish sheep, 20ish goats, 200ish chickens and 2.5ish acres that still need to be planted. I know.
I've had some moments here lately when I just don't know if all of the work is really worth it. I mean I'm not getting any younger or richer and bills arnt getting any smaller. I do it because it feels brilliant! but not always right, and not always good. Does that make sense? I'm in it deep and by that I mean I'm deep in love with farming so I'm not going anywhere, but sometimes love is painful, and compromises need to be made.

On a particularly rough day last week I sat down in the evening after a good 15 hour day and checked e-mail, One of our CSA members wrote me the nicest note about how much he has been enjoying the weekly shares and the cheese! Reading this at such a vulnerable moment was profound. My entire body felt awake. Yes! Yes, this is why its worth it. The e-mails and conversations I have with our customers washes away the dirt and grime of my mind, the mind that tells me I cant do this. The mind that tells me its not worth it. Some times I have to be reminded that I am doing it.

Right now I'm feeling good. In sipte of being up at 3:30 am for the Farmers market, my energy is good and I'm at ease. This is the time when I can see things clearly with out the clutter. I have my ups and downs, mostly and thankfully ups. Things are not going to get easier, but things are definitely getting better. Little by little I'm making progress. More and more things are falling into place. Every year I learn a little more and I try a little harder and it feels like every cell in my body is awake and alive and that my friend makes every bit of this worth it.

shoulnt I have this?

2011-04-13T22:18:00.003-05:00

a 12 hour day not a 16
quiet time to rest and think
a full tummy when I strum my guitar at night
and warm milk when I stretch out in bed before I turn out the light
Clean dogs that smell good
and sheep that let me smell them if I would
Goats that don't kick or put their foot in the pail
and cheese that always turns out and never fails
Time to write and time to read
and time to meditate and breath
Shouldn't I have this?

What I do have is work with no rest
but dear friends so many the best
Dirt, sweat, poop and pee,
sour milk, but I still feel free
Achey body head to toe but a mind free and light as the sunrise's glow
Dirty dishes and unfolded laundry
many times a day little goat kisses
god knows whats on the floor
coffee is ready lets have some more
The field is dry and the grass grows slow
the sheep don't complain, I just have to move them more
bank account low but spirits high
some day soon I'll have the pie
Late nights writing when I should be in bed
with the love of my life beside me as I lay down my head
Shouldn't I have this?

Night watch

2011-04-02T08:39:00.006-05:00

With all the lambs we have right now I am on high coyote alert. Thankfully the electronet fence is keeping a good charge and Kalamazoo the llama is keeping a good watch. He will practically stand over a ewe when she is giving birth. His back is to her and he stands tall and just watches outside the perimeter of the fence. I like him. He is serious about his job and the sheep like him and the lambs love him.

Each evening before bed I go out and just check things out. I was hearing a lot of barking coming from my two great Pyrenees, Ginger and Cozmo just north of the sheep pen, so I thought I best check it out. I got on the four wheeler so I could go around the sheep perimeter, one to check the fence and two to let the coyotes know I was a watching em'. I could still hear the dogs. So I drove in their directions. It's pitch black out and I see a set of glowing eyes in front of my head lights, my heart races. Soon I realize its just Cozmo, so I drive up a little further and start heading back for the house and there in front of me are two sets of red glowing eyes. Hungry I think, ready to kill.

My heart starts pounding. I think there are two of them maybe more I cant see. One of me. The dogs are still barking back at the creek. I think of the lambs. I think.., I'm the one on the four wheeler. I can scare the crap out of them at least. Heart pumping, their eyes still glowing motionless at me. I'm 50 feet away. They are staring into my head lights. The lambs! ! I throw it into gear and head straight into them at full throttle screaming a scream only a shepherd who has lost lambs to coyotes can conger up inside her throat.. at the top of my lungs.... "IYAAiiAAIIII...WOOWOO,WOOO"!!!!

I drive right into them, they split in two both running in different directions. I suddenly realized I was driving into a steep ravine. The eyes I saw belonged to deer which were now scattering a full speed. I tried to keep from going into a large cavernous ditch, at that point I didn't care what or who I was trying to scare off, I just held on for dear life and tried to maneuver the four wheeler and myself to safety. I came so close to biting it but I made it out unscathed, thankfully! The deer were long gone, my heart was still pounding. I laughed so hard I practically peed my pants I just scared the crap out of two deer and nearly got myself kilt! Maybe now they will think twice about helping them self to the garden and I'll think twice about driving into total darkness in a rage. After that trick I imagined the watchful coyotes were ROFLTAO!

After the storm.... laundry

2011-04-01T07:09:00.004-05:00

Well, I've made it through the lamb storm, (however ragged I look). we'll do a final count on Sunday when we tag, band and vaccinate all of the youngin's. This is the most we've lambed out at one time and I must admit it was a little challenging. Not so much for the sheep, life was easy for them, fresh pasture, clean water, shelter and a Shepherd that came to every their every beacon call. Oh... not to mention the weather has been absolutely perfect for them!

For me on the other hand its been hard work. But I have to say that hard work has paid off, we have three bottle lambs, out of 70+ (this is when we pull them from the flock and bottle feed them if they are not getting enough or sometimes any attention from mom) but other than that, all is well. The Ewes look healthy and strong and the lambs hearty and playful. I love spending time out there with them because its the picture of perfection and while all is lovely in sheepland all else has had to take a back seat for a time. Laundry has built up to epic proportions, the house smells like dog and there is just some general disarray wherever you look. So, look at the sheep please, they will tell the real story. For god sake don't talk to the goats. You know how goats are, they blow everything out of proportion!

So with the lamb storm passing the washing machine is being put to the test! Things are being put back in order. This feels good! I'm noticing the sunset and sunrises and can actually inhale and exhale fully with out my breath going into spastic seizures. There is tons to do, all the back seat items are suddenly sitting next to me looking at me with a huge stupid grin on their face. Yea yea, I say, I'll get to you.....soon, I mean it.

Remember these things

2011-03-23T11:27:00.001-05:00

There is a point in the morning when I open my laptop and begin to write, write about the crazy time last night as a Doe gave birth, or the absolutely insane drama of lambing, and then as I’m thinking about these things it enters my mind that I really don’t have time to write. Writing would be nice I think, but I have so much work to do I really can’t afford myself the luxury of writing. So I slam my computer shut and trod off to get some work done.

Last count we have 54 lambs, give or take 2 or 4. Things seem so chaotic right now. The loud baaa’s of new moms trying to find their lambs and the lambs trying to find their moms in a sea of other lambs and ewes. I can’t keep them straight. At this point I have no idea who belongs to who and I must must must put my faith in the idea that they do. Life feels so delicate so fragile so terrifying and I feel so out of control. The thing that I have come to understand and yet again reminded of is I never had control in the first place. Didn’t need it and still don’t. I’ve evaluated my role and I’m satisfied with the part I’m playing. Everyone has shelter, good pasture, clean hay and water, a charged fence, minerals, love and attention. I’m doing everything I should and everything that I need to do.

Mind over matter is my mantra. The knowledge that the one thing I do have control over is how I react. I want so badly to be the Zen monk unfazed by adversity or strife or hard work or exhaustion or hunger. I want to rise above my mental limitations and find a quite place in the storm in my mind. But the fact remains that I’m so tired I put brown sugar and milk on my poached egg instead of my oat meal. My patients are extremely short and logic is hard to come by. I’ve “hit the bell curve” a friend tells me who I called for some moral support,” it’s all downhill after this, your past the half way point.” These were the reassurances I needed to hear.
I see that lambing and kidding during planting time was a mistake. So I’ve learned. Next year will be different. Better to lamb and kid later when I have interns, okay lesson learned, pretty simple fix. I’ve had harder lessons. So I’ll continue to put my faith in the harmony of nature and my ability to respect it.

I’ll try to be good to myself and eat and write and sleep, which are three things that keep me healthy. I’ll remember joy and that I am capable of having a great deal of it. I’ll try to remember these things.

The lamb storm

2011-03-17T06:27:00.005-05:00

Okay, its now officially a lamb storm. Since last check 22 lambs on the ground out of 12 ewes. That's pretty good, we we're not quite at the half way mark 35 ewes left but its possible we will be today. We have 16 goat kids who are all being bottle fed three times a day and now we're milking eight goats twice a day. Things are absolutely insane here. A set of twins was born yesterday morning and they were incredibly small. One extremely small, she was being ignored by mom so without hesitation she's in the house. Whats lambing with out a bottle baby?

Dinky is adorable, when we found her she was alone in the shelter mom and twin far away, shivering and hungry. After a day on a heating pad and small servings of colostrum we have reserved for just this occasion, she really shaped up now she seems pretty strong and healthy just very very dinky.

I also wanted to write a short post about the incredibly kind and hard working folks that showed up last Saturday morning to help a farmer in need. With lambing and kidding and the general day to day of the farm I found myself in a desperate situation, I was hopelessly behind and if I didn’t catch up quick I wouldn’t have anything to sell at the farmers market which is just around the corner. It’s hard to ask for help, even though people will tell me all the time they would love to come out and help sometime if I need it I often see the work probably being way more than they bargained for.

But I was desperate so I reached out to the people who have reached out to me and we pulled together a “crop mob” 12 of us all together spread compost over 2 acres, unwrapped the twine from the pepper and tomato steaks, pulled up the remainder if the dead plants from last fall and got the ground ready for the season to come. It would have taken me two weeks what 12 of us did in 6 hours, and during all that we pulled two lambs from a ewe that needed assistance. Beds are ready for the first planting of green onions, sweet onions, potatoes, spinach, arugula, chard, broccoli rabe, lettuce, kale and so on. The soil looks very easy to work with its fluffy and brown and with that compost and manure I think I’ll have a really good growing season.

The comfort of friends put me at ease, we all worked so hard and I’m sure everyone was feeling it the next morning, I know I was, but this type of soreness is what makes a day worth living it’s the essence of being. My body tells me I have lived, my mind told me I did good, and my heart feels large and full of love. I’m full in all ways. There is something so beautiful to me about working to the point of hunger, or standing in a shower and washing real dirt and sweat off. Of laying down in bed and being completely exhausted, waking up In the morning feeling my body express its limitations, and stretching and meditating so I have the ware withal to do it again, today, tomorrow and the next and the next after that. I love this life and the gratitude I have for the helpers that allow me to continue at it.

So I'm trying to hold it together. doing the best i can. planted 2000 onion plants yesterday. today potatoes, and so on. one thing at a time. No multi tasking, to tired for that and that's how mistakes are made. one foot in front of the other.

Smokin'

2011-03-12T06:49:00.000-06:00

The smell of smoke its lingering heavy on the farm, Grass fires have kept their distance from us. Can’t see any fires from here but large plumes of heavy smoke can be seen floating up to the sky from all around us, but thankfully not close enough to be a threat. If I didn’t know better I would be concerned, the sunrise is setting the sky on fire with deep magenta and pink and orange. Filtered by the fog of grass fire smoke, it’s beautiful in an eerie kind of way.

As always things have been busy around here. Five ewes have lambed, two sets of twins within the last eight hours. 7 lambs so far. I have this feeling things are really going to pick up. Some of these girls look ready to pop two days ago. I never got to move them to the upper barn, lambing began so I figured we should just stay put. Kalamazoo (Llama) is very protective over the lambs, when I went out last night he was standing next to a ewe that had just birthed twins and looked like he was standing guard. Ginger my Great Pyrenees stayed put at the north side of the electro net. I’m on pins and needles. These coyotes need not come a visitin’.

This morning I’m practically giddy, a bunch of kind folk are coming out to help in the field. I’m desperately behind and this one day with the help eight people will put things back up on their feet. Sometimes I need help, what can I say. I quit believing I was capable of supernatural powers a few years ago, and learned to ask for help when I need it. As difficult as it is sometimes I manage to do it without feeling like an utter failure. This would be due to the years of phzyko therapy, haha.So were crop mobbing today, I feel the love

2011-03-10T05:55:00.000-06:00

I have lived on the lip of insanity, wanting to know reasons, knocking on a door.
It opens.
I've been knocking from the inside!
-- Rumi

lets keep a sense of humor about this okay?

2011-03-08T08:56:00.003-06:00

Last week I woke up with a terrible pain in my head. Jaw, sinus, eyes, ears plugged and ringing, neck, shoulder. It was awful. The pain was rich. When it got worse I made an appointment with my chiropractor thinking my atlas was out. I was in so much pain. I was mixing my own painkiller cocktail of 4 Ibuprofen, 3 Tylenol and 2 of some kind of sinus meds. I was up to 4 Advil every 2.5 hours. It was amazing. Sleep was impossible so I would just sit up in bed and stare, holding my face.

This has happened to me once before, last year about this time. Stress I guess, it causes me to clench and grind my teeth and really do a number on my jaw. But last year I thought it was a tooth so I went to the dentist and he couldn't find a thing wrong, so he recommended I see a chiropractor. I did and boy did that do the trick! Amazing. At that point I had been in pain for two weeks. This time I went to the chiropractor and also made an appointment with my dentist. What do you do when pain killers don't work? see someone and cry.

Well it was a good thing I went to the dentist cause this time it was the tooth, cracked and abscessing. Infection was very close to my sinuses and basically the tooth was fucked. SHIT! (I know, the language! but I was not expecting this at all. I like having my teeth! sorry if I've offended anyone one) minutes later the tooth was out. I felt like a truck ran over me. I didn't talk the whole way home and its not because I was by myself. I was stunned.

When I got home it was chore time, the Novocaine was wearing off and my face was sore. Thankfully Linda came home early and milked leaving me to morn my poor molar that I killed.
What happened!? Where is my Sufi/zen/hippy attitude. Why am I trying to work out my stress while I'm sleeping? Its getting harder and harder to meditate or take time for walks. I know I need these things and I know it helps. I've got to get out of the fast lane. There is no magic bullet its called breathing and being centered and keeping things in perspective I mean some people have real problems! But its hard for me to stop sometimes. And yes I actually catch myself holding my breath.

I feel like I'm being chased by a freight train. I've been trying as hard as I can to stay ahead but I feel it nipping at my heals. So here's the deal. I'm getting off. I'm going for a walk I'm going to spend some time today really going through things and prioritizing and cutting what is unnecessary right now. I'm going to breath, to pray to meditate and accept the grace that is available to me. And I if I am able to do this I will consider today a very productive day indeed and one well spent.

Thankfully several friends have offered to dig me out this weekend. Thanks to their help I'll be caught up. Grace and Friends.
Oh we had a boy today, a single, he's healthy and up eating. Uh, we're officially lambing now. 2 down 45 more to go.

Grace, grace, grace.
om..om..om...ommmmmmmmmm:)

Critical stage- when to ask for help

2011-03-07T06:31:00.001-06:00

The planting has begun, beds are ready in the garden and just need compost added, Seed potatoes are cut and drying and I’m reminded that I am one person and there is only so many hours in a day and that is very frustrating at times. Kidding has taken a break and will resume the 18th of March, and lambing is just around the corner. The scary thing is the farmers market starts in less than 30 days. And somehow I need to have some vegetables in my booth for that first market. Yea I’m freaking out.

If there ever was a time I need help it might be now. So I’ll call on the troops, some friends that have offered to help at times when I need it. I’ve been known to hold off until it’s at the critical stage and then ask for help and shit that might be where I’m at.

So yesterday we combined flocks. We had purchased 27 bred ewes over a month ago and have had them in an isolation pen away from our main flock. Looks like the coast is clear so we combined the 27 with the 19 bred ewes we have plus some young rams. We want to move all of them to the upper barn to lamb and this my friend is at the critical stage because lambing could start at anytime. We couldn’t have done it any sooner and time is just what it is but we feel like lambing in a barn will be safe in many ways mostly because we’re very concerned about coyotes right now. It’s now a matter of getting the jugs set up, water and electricity which is pretty close.

Speaking of Coyotes this has reached critical stage too. Yesterday one was standing just at the top of the garden right out in the open. It stood there for a very long time, long enough for me to get my riffle walk out into the open towards it and shoot. It ran ½ way down the garden foot path and then turned back I saw the tails of two more. I shot again and again. They have been feasting on rouge chickens, I have found two sets of buff feathers. Knowing I have the possibility of 80 lambs on the way I’m a bit touchy. All of the ewes are in a pen with the llama Kalamazoo who has a proven track record but I’m just not willing to take chances.

So I’m trying my hardest to stay calm right now but it’s difficult I have to admit. This is when I question everything including can I do this. Really do this? I have no choice, I’m doing it, but in all honesty I feel pretty scared and pretty desperate. Some of you, you know who you are will be getting an e-mail from me begging for your help next weekend.

I'm grateful

2011-03-05T14:00:00.002-06:00

For 11 healthy kids
For a profoundly caring and loving partner
For the most wonderful interesting and lovely friends
For the family whom I lease the 400 acres I live and farm on.
For the guard dogs and lamas that keep the coyotes at a distance
For the sweet goats that have me convinced that they like me too
For the sheep and lambs who nourish and help to support the farm in so many ways
For sandy loam, mushroom compost, and animal manure.
For seeds that sprout and chickens that lay
For a warm house, a hot shower and a comfortable bed
For Lance who grows my alfalfa hay and Don who grows my prairie hay
For Stillwater milling
For The OSU Seretean Wellness center who has employed me now for 6.75 years.
For Dr Brooks (my Chiropractor)
For the Cherry Street Farmers Market and the board of directors who work so hard to make it the best market they can.
For the farmers and producers who keep the customers coming back
For our CSA members who have given us the gift of trust and confidence
For the guy who grates (sp?) our little dead end dirt road (thank you!)

I'm grateful for so many things

Feeling myself again

2011-03-02T06:41:00.003-06:00

Now that I have a refrigerator full of fresh goat milk and am getting back into the routine of bottle feeding babies and milking the goats I’m feeling right. These girls are producing, let me tell you. Even with 11 kids bottle feeding three times a day there is still tons of milk left over. Unfortunately it still has the flavor of colostrum so it’s not quite up to cheese or a big glass quite yet. It takes about a two full weeks for the colostrum to run through their system, I will be feeding four gallons to the chickens this morning. Each goat is producing about a gallon a piece. We’re only milking 6 right now so we are just under 6 gallons a day. The next set will kid mid March, and then again early April.

The kids are just beautiful this year. We used a buck that a friend gave us and in spite of him being quite a handful he truly helped to produce some of the most beautiful and largest kids we have ever had. So far we have 4 girls I plan on keeping but soon I’ll need to find homes for the boys. Sooner rather than later cause I tend to get attached.

If feels good to milk the girls again. It’s the time I get with them to really establish and affirm our relationship. For me milking has always been an affirmation of my commitment to providing my goats with the best life possible. I treat them with respect and I understand their personalities and I feel like in spite of it being against their better judgment they treat me with respect right back. I’m really grateful for them.

This is the time of year things get really busy. I’m racing against the clock trying to get the garden ready. Rain is forecasted for Friday so its on! I’ve been really trying hard to stay focused and organized and that’s been a challenge too but trying to keep things in perspective.

Sofia

2011-02-25T21:24:00.002-06:00

Just writing is taking everything I’ve got right now. I’m dead tired. It’s been a week! A good week but one that has wore me to my very core. So far 6 out of 13 goats have kid giving us 11, 5 girls and 6 boys. I slept with one on my chest last night Sofia is what we named her. She is the daughter of Sally, my first milk goat.

Sofia was born two days early. It happened when we were both gone and obviously it was a rough one because when I moved the both of them to a jug for more privacy and warmth Sofia laid down on her side and didn’t move. She was lifeless, shivering slightly and mouth luke warm. My heart sank. There was no way for me to know what was wrong. I administered all the normal things you do in a case like this and got very little to no response. I brought her in the house. Set her in the heat pad lined laundry basket and waited.

I fully expected to lose her. It happens occasionally, I understand this is part of what I do. But I really didn’t want to. I just could not give up hope. So Linda and I took turns holding her trying to breathe whatever life we could into her. About 8:30 that night she started to stir. She stood up and had a big long head to toe stretch. This was a miracle! Healthy lambs and kids stretch after waking, sick ones generally don’t. Linda held her and she started to show interest in nursing so I got a bottle ready. She ate it all!

Still very week she wanted to be held, when we would put her down she would scream and I mean scream there was nothing wrong with this girls lungs. So we held her. Not willing to put her outside quite yet, I put her in my arms and she slept with me. Yes I slept with a baby goat with me in bed. It wasnt the first and wont be the last time (I have potty pads) I got up twice to feed her. She was quiet and a pleasant bedfellow. I listened to her breathing the whole night and had my hand over her heart feeling the strong bump t bumps. In the morning she seemed like a normal goat kid. By mid morning it was time to put her out side with the rest of her sisters and brothers. I was so happy that she was healthy and strong but I felt a little sad because I had gotten used to her and I talking, well rather me talking and her squeaking in response.

Linda checked on her a few minutes ago and all is well. She’s curled up with the rest of the kids and everyone is warm. Tonight I sleep.

On a funny note, A small film crew came out today to tape an episode of ‘Cook Time with Remmi’, I was all dolled up with my hair up and mascara, clean clothes on even, and not five minutes before they arrived Dotty and Sugar were delivering yes, at the same time! Dotty needed a little help. Slimed again! I didn’t bother changing for the shoot. I did wash up real good for the record. Dotty had a beautiful spotted girl and Sugar two big beautiful boys. Linda stealthily removed the afterbirth seconds before we walked into the barn. So funny. There is a seriously gross side to farm life but we think it’s funny.

So far it’s been a quite night. No babies in the house tonight. I just finished up the cheese for the CSA drop off tomorrow and am ready for a restful sleep. There is just something so beautiful about having a little baby asleep in your arms. There is just something just so right about it. I love their smell, their breathing and their complete and utter trust in us. I’m honored.

Winter rest

2011-02-22T06:24:00.005-06:00

Getting back into the swing of things has been a little difficult. Bottle feeding babies 4 times a day, milking again, waiting for the rest of the does to kid, watching for lambs. Winter resting time is over! life is springing back with force and determination and I am desperately trying to keep up with it. These days I'm nothing short of dirty. Covered in birthing fluid, J-Lube, iodine, poop, the fluorescent orange kind from the colostrum drinking kids, as well as mushroom compost sweat and dust, a few chicken feathers stuck to all that. Its nothing I get sad about but I do appreciate a nice long hot shower at the end of the day.

This is the time of year I wake the muscles up and tell them its time to work. My arms, legs, back and even feet are well aware now that this isn't a joke, they are ON! Its also the time of year that I have to face the fact that I'm not 20 any longer. Last night I woke up to take some advil and before I fell back to sleep I thought to myself; Its time to pay special attention to how I take care of myself. If I want to be doing this for a while I need to be mindful of taking care of my body and my mind. I need to remember to drink water and eat and to sometimes wait till someone can be home to help me on a project rather than to try to do it by myself and hurt my back.

Days are long, they go by too fast. The sun starts peeking out from behind the trees now at 6:36 when its light the work outside begins; We Bottle feed the kids, hay everyone, alfalfa to the sheep, feed and water the chickens, feed and water the chicks, milk the goats, feed the dogs, feed the cats, clean all the milking stuff, clean out the milk parlour. By time we finish feeding everyone I could eat a horse myself. Then one last check see if anyone is ready to lamb or kid before heading out to the greenhouse or garden. From there its one task to the next; feeding kids, Lunch break, snack break in between. Then at 4pm time to start chores again; water everyone, grain the sheep, feed the chickens and chicks, collect eggs, alfalfa to the goats, bottle feed the kids, milk the goats, filter the milk clean the milk stuff, wash the eggs, make dinner, eat and crash!
I kinda like it.
a lot!

Some pics from snow storm

2011-02-20T19:13:00.012-06:00

Now that the big snow storm is over I can finally enjoy it. Thought I would share some photos I took.

Pups had to spend a few nights inside with us during that -24

Ginger one of our guards, loves loves loves the snow.

I took this picture of myself on big red bringing out a round bale to the sheep, I believe in layering:)

Love you big red! (maya is leading me, way up ahead)

Maya helping us gather the Llamas, who are not exactly thrilled with the arrangement The greenhouses are under there!

Kali and his flock

The new flock on the block HAHAHAHA! acquired 2 days before the storm HAHAHAH!

oye!

You know this is fun and it is the best life ever but just for the record may I say in all honesty this is friking HARD!

First kids of the season!

2011-02-19T07:08:00.006-06:00

Yesterday around 4pm Teeny Tiny had triplets. You cant imagine my relief! Earlier in the day she was separating herself from the herd so I knew something was up. She wasn't due until today but she had dropped and I knew It would be sometime soon. She had me really worried, she looked incredibly uncomfortable and at one point was grinding her teeth which for a goat or sheep is a sign of pain. So I held her head and rubbed her cheeks and massaged her back. I went to finish some irrigation in the garden and told her I would be right back. 20 minutes later I came to check, and sure enough she was in labor.

I ran into the house and scrubbed my hands and arms, grabbed the birthing kit and went out. Linda was already in the jug and by time I got out there Teeny had twins one boy and one girl. She was cleaning them and they were beautiful. I checked her and a third was presented but only one hoof. I reached in and realized one arm was back and the head was tilted back. I reached in and pushed the baby back in and arranged him the best I could to get him out. trying to get the head right was difficult, but necessary so it just took a few tries and he was ready to come out. Boy did he, with a plop! Beautiful! All three kids and mother very healthy! Whew!

For the next several weeks its kid time 13 does are bred so its going to be very fun around here. Not to mention the 47 Ewes that are lambing too. Love this time of year. I don't sleep much but I love it.

Teeny Tiny

2011-02-17T06:42:00.001-06:00

Have I ever told you about Teeny Tiny? When she was just a little toot about four or five days old she was given to me by my mentor Judy Calvert of HLA acres. Teeny was very small and weak and needed to be culled. Judy knew I was new at this and just building my herd so a small little girl who needed extra attention wouldn’t be a problem for me. Teeny began to get weaker and at one point I thought I might lose her. She was so cute and when I say cute I mean hallmark card cute. But anyway I took her to my vet and we tried to trouble shoot the possibilities. Just out of the blue I said, “yea I pulled a tick off her year yesterday”. Bam! that was it! Dr Denham gave her a very strong antibiotic and very quickly she got better it was like night and day.

Teeny was little, much smaller than the average kid and she did need special attention. I made her a little pen in the mud room in the house although I will tell you here she slept in the bed with me… without any accidents! Then she moved to the closet and slept in there at night. I would wake up when I heard her little hooves on the wood floor and take her out side. We got real close. I remember lying in the green grass in the back yard, Teeny asleep and snoring on my chest. Teeny is the only one who has horns. I usually remove horns from all of the kids but I was afraid to put her through the stress of that so I let her horns grow and hoped she wouldn’t turn out to be a monster with them. But I figured if she was smaller than the rest of the herd the horns might come in handy. I wanted to give her some advantage. So finally and sadly Teeny Tiny was able to live outside with her other goat people. She fit in just fine and no one gave her grief. She’s made very close friends with Belize and Jewel and we still remained really close.

Teeny managed to grow out of her name and become a beautiful and elegant Doe. She is still very affectionate and loving. She is a wonderful mama and her kids are beautiful, although they have always been boys. She will be the first one to kid this season. She is due this Saturday. She aborted last year by an unknown cause; no one else had problems so a toxin was ruled out. It could have been anything, so this year we’ve been extremely nervous and watching her very closely. She is bagged up and defiantly ready to pop but I am very nervous. Teeny is my baby. She a 150lb baby and this spring she’ll be 4 years old but she’s my girl so I’m on eggshells till Saturday. I’ll be getting her birthing jug ready today because I had a dream she kidded early. I pay attention to my dreams.

So when you come to visit I want you to say hi to Teeny, she loves to be rubbed and scratched on her cheeks and she’s very used to kisses so don’t be shy.

The dinner!

2011-02-16T06:27:00.005-06:00

The Like Water for Chocolate dinner was a success! I took such pleasure in every second of it from the beginning of last week in preparing the mole to the washing of the last dish. It was so incredibly fun. each night we had 20 guests the perfect number I thought. It was amazing we pulled the dinner off really. We were not able to get water to the cabin until 3pm on Saturday three hours before guests arrived. Thursday the well was completely frozen. And in spite of the winterizing that had been done early in the season, there were two broken pipes under the cabin. nothing could be done on Friday because we didn't know about the breaks yet, the cabin is in a very shady location so it takes a while to warm up. The well house is basically falling apart and there is no insulation under the house, so we waited. I made my to-do list of repairs and updates.

Linda repaired the pipes and water was flowing. Thank the stars! The funny thing is neither one of us freaked out or even considered not going through with the dinner, The cabin looked absolutely beautiful and two warm fires were aglow, lights were dimmed, candles lit, sauce simmering and all was well. Not to mention a lamb was born early Saturday morning "Tita" we call her after the main character of the book. After the dinners were over we just couldn't believe our luck the absolute grace we were granted.

I have wanted to do this dinner for so long and I am so very grateful it was so gentle and kind to me. What a great experience! The cabin is such a magical place, the Oakley's who built and poured their love into this building brought such life into it. Its an honor for me to continue this by filling the air with aromas of simmering sauces and braising meats and nourishing the guests who grace us.

Part 2

2011-02-12T07:38:00.003-06:00

I can’t believe I froze the eggs. I was distracted wanting to get back to the kitchen I set the bucket on the well house when I filled the chicken’s water and left it there over night. All of the eggs were cracked! The dogs will be happy. There weren’t many eggs. Since the snow storm they’ve only been laying about 8 a day. Smart little buggers’ chickens are. They won’t lay when they don’t feel like the environment is safe for the potential chicks that might be hatching. So if the hens are stressed by cold weather, lack of food or water or a visiting predator, not to mention hours of daylight they just won’t lay. There are other reasons too but anyone who tells me chickens are stupid I just shake my head and think, you poor souls you don’t know what really matters do you?

I bring the masa dough to room temperature; beat the lard until it’s creamy and soft. Bring the chicken stock to a boil. Add the masa to the lard and then fold in the stock. I like to add just a little toasted cinnamon and sea salt at this point. Crumble the queso and peal the skins off the roast peppers (I froze oodles of them this summer). Let the corn husks drain well. Peal strips from smaller odd shaped corn husks for tying the tamales, set aside. Lay out the husks, pat dry. Add a spoon full of the masa and compress a well in the middle with your thumb and add the chicken, then the queso and then the pepper, roll it up. Fold up the tail and tie.

I discovered a funny thing while feeding the baby chicks this morning, although they are not babies any longer. Eight weeks, so technically they are pullets. There was one sitting up on a bar I use to hang the heat lamps, I tuned my back and I heard something very strange, it sounded like one of the pullets had gotten hurt. I turned to investigate, nothing. All was calm. The little one roosting on the bar just looked at me curious, head cocked slightly, I turned away back to what I was doing, it happened again, then I stood still and just watched. The little one on the rail looked at me, stood up and suddenly and not so gracefully cock- a- doodle- doo’d this was no pullet. This was a rooster. Its funny when people come into your life that you were not expecting. I don't think he expected to come into this life and meet me. We're all a little sad but will be grateful for what he adds to our lives and table.

While rolling the tamales I recommend listening to some salsa or meringue music, that way you can fantasize about dancing and flirting, and being swept off your feet in the quick breath of passion. Time speeds by. Don’t tie the tamales too tight give just enough room for them to grow in the steam pot.

Yesterday we steamed a sample of the tamales and I heated a little of the mole sauce so I could decide if I should serve the tamales for the first course or the second. The ox tail soup I had planned to be second but the tamale and the mole where so strong and complicated in flavor I was afraid that the soup couldn't stand up after it. I was wrong the broth was more aromatic more powerful and could definitely stand solid for second course, I was delighted. It truly was a tincture to be reckoned with. As it should be. Anything that has such strong healing and loving qualities ought to be able to stand up and take you for a walk.

Fry the onions in a little olive oil, add the meat. Toast the cumin and clove, Toast the nuts, local pecans and walnuts. Grind the spices with a mortar and pestle, add to the meat, add the apples form Don Chiartarno, raisins, and the peaches (the ones from summer we froze) grind the nuts in the large coarse stone bowl. Don’t make a flour. Mix this together but save some nuts for the sauce. Remove the skins from the roasted pepper. Carefully cut a slit in the pepper remove the seeds, stuff with the filling. I forgot to point out, pick small peppers, if you can only find large ones plan on slicing them in half. Too much of a good thing can make for an unbearably restless evening. The sauce is made by braising, onion, garlic, the nuts, adding goat milk cream, sharp aged cheese. Pour this over the peppers before serving and sprinkle liberally with pomegranate seeds. I can only pray this dish is not eaten too fast. But savored like a sweet loving kiss. Don’t light all your matches at once. There is more to come.

I made the tres letches cake before bed. That way the sweet letches (milks) could soak into the sponge cake overnight and turn the cake into caramel. I’ll candy some rose pedals for garnish. Today just the finishing touches; Preparing the rose pedal sauce for the quail. I was able to purchase local quail from a man in Tahlequah he even butchered and dressed them for me. They are absolutely beautiful. The day I picked them up early this week it was freezing and the roads were hazardous, now the sun is rising and the day is promising to be warm and sunny, even still I’m going to build a raging fire. Nothing warms me more than a hot bath or the penetrating warmth of a fire.

To the table or to bed, you must come when you are bid

2011-02-11T07:26:00.002-06:00

The preperations for the Like water for Chocolate dinner

I start by frying the dried chilies then I add the onion and caramelize them well so they are almost candied. Then comes the toasting of the spices; ground Mayan cocoa, broken cinnamon, star anise, cumin, clove. When toasted well, add to the pot. When the spices start to stick to the bottom of the pan and almost look like they could burn…just almost but not quite. Don’t be too hasty! all of the oils must be hot so they can be free. Only then do I add the wine and the stock, and a couple of paste tomatoes canned from the tomato harvest, an apple and a sweet potato. Almonds should be toasting now. We’ll ground them later to add to the mole. This will simmer till just before evening chores.

The day outside is so blindingly bright from the sun reflecting off the snow that I have to untwist the cotton fabric that is secured by two tacks on each corner of the kitchen window, this little makeshift curtain is very useful when the hot summer sun sets and burns your eyes while you wash dishes. The light in the kitchen is soft and warm now and the aromas of the simmering mole and the oxtail soup are placing me in a calmed almost surreal state.

I’ve roasted the lamb bones and ox tails and now I’m simmering them with chipotles. The flavor is so deep and rich. This is a simple soup no fancy ingredients or spices, just the roasted bones simmered for eight hours or so with a few dried smoked peppers, some onions and later a few diced potatoes. This soup represents pure affection for the one you make it for. There is nothing that can express a simple act of love better and more profoundly then to serve them this soup. It will put the soul back in order. It will un- tangle the brain and even better relax the heart and the sphincter.

Yesterday I spent all day making two things. That how it is sometimes. Every ingredient had my undivided attention as it rose up and danced before me. How could I walk away? It would be rude. Today I’ll make the cockerel tamales. I’ve already slaughtered, dressed and slow roasted them, picked all the tender meat off the bones and mixed it with the juice of the mole. I’ll mix the masa. The corn husks have been soaking overnight so tamales will be the first thing I make after feeding the chickens, sheep and goats. Sally will be the first one to kid, she’s due on Saturday so I’ll give her a real look over and kiss her many times on the cheek. The sheep are close to lambing so I’ll keep my eye out. Hopefully no unexpected problems will arise that will keep me from my tamales.

To be continued…..

foot prints in the snow

2011-02-07T07:59:00.000-06:00

I took a walk yesterday after evening chore time through the back 10 acre goat pasture. I was searching for foot prints in the snow. My curiosity had finally peaked and I wanted evidence of who else I might share this land with, how many, and how close. A walk sounds nice normally but the trudging through the snow I’ve been doing for the last four days to feed sheep, chickens and goats has just become a challenge. It’s getting better and walking down the paths I have shoveled out has made a big difference, but Advil has been a necessary accompaniment with my evening glass of wine.

Just before chore time the sheep decided they were board and walked through the electro-net fence and stood at the garden fence screaming at me. “do something”! “There is nothing to eat out here except this ol’ round bale of hay and we are completely fed up with this white stuff”! Okay, okay, I brought out a bucket of corn and they walked back into their pen and ate. While they ate I scanned the fence to find out why it wasn’t charging. The Llama Kalamazoo was not interested in going back with the sheep so he is out patrolling the whole 85 acres. Actually he hasn’t left the garden. He seems content and there is an old bale of hay I was going to use as mulch but he’s found it palatable and has decided he needs a break from his sheep.

So after I had that all sorted out, I walked past the round bale of hay the goats have been munching on I wasn’t sure if they would follow me out. Goats aren’t like sheep they don’t like the rain and hate to get their feet wet, so they stayed behind and I continued on and walked through un-trodded snow.

I saw them immediately, near the fence line. I wasn’t sure but finally surmised deer. Maybe 100 feet from the barn. They looked like goat prints but I know that to be impossible so I followed them and they ended at the fence and started again beyond. I looked up and all around me were foot prints, I was surrounded. Deer possible, raccoon, possum and coyote but I really wasn’t sure. But obviously these were new tracts and I know now I’m never alone. I never see them I suppose I am grateful for that. They keep to their business and I too mine. They have the advantage of a keen sense of smell so they are very well aware of me, and my comings and goings. I’m the oblivious one.

It really is beautiful, the snow. It makes farm life more difficult but it is beautiful. We’ll have a mess to clean up when it’s all melted, A section of roof in our barn gave away from the weight of the snow but if that’s the only casualty I’d say were doing pretty good. The roof needed re tinned anyway so I’ll just add this to the list.

Soon after the melt I will be able to chisel plow the garden and start getting it ready for spring planting. That’s one advantage of the quantity of snow we got, at least it will moisten the earth just enough for me to be able to work the soil. It’s almost time to start tomato and pepper seedlings. I’ll be grateful when this is all gone and life can get back to normal a little but I’m more
grateful that we got through it for the most part with no incident.

Blizzards and sunsets

2011-02-01T20:55:00.002-06:00

When the storm is finally over and the last snow flake has fluttered through the air, I let out the breath I have been holding since 11pm the night before when the ice started to fall from the sky with snaps of white lightning and thunder. I woke up this morning to at least 9 inches of snow and drifts up past my knee. Most of the day has been spent making sure the animals are alright. The sheep and llamas seem perfectly content. I worry most about the milk goats. They are not as hearty as sheep. They are my babies and I worry about them getting wet and then getting cold.

By late morning the snow had already covered my treks out to the chicken coup and the sheep pasture from earlier in the morning for chore time, and I honestly couldn’t measure the depth because there were so many deep drifts there was just no way to know how much snow had actually fallen. Mostly I walked through snow up to my knee. Cold hard fast wind made it impossible to see very far and I realized my own limits carrying a half of bail of alfalfa out to the sheep. I had only walked 100 feet and I became hungry and worn out. My legs felt so heavy. My face mostly covered in scarves and a red Hawaiian patterned bandana was cold and my eyes watered hard. I just wanted to get back inside drink another cup of coffee. I even became severely annoyed with myself for not having that third cup before going out. surly that would have helped! I gave my inner self…. “the look” Damn me!

The wind was blowing the snow so hard and fast it was pushing tiny white particles through every little crevice and opening in the barn that seemed somehow to rejoin and form big snowflakes again covering everyone and the barn floor with snow. I worried. We plugged up all the openings we could find with a staple gun and old feed bags and still microscopic snow particles rushed in and left dusting on walls and our heads. In spite of this, when dropped down to my knees, removed my gloved hands and placed them on the bellies and faces of the goats they felt very warm and seemed to be doing quite well. They ate big mouthfuls of hay. I listened to them chew. When they were finished they huddled together in a dry corner and then laid down together chewing their cud.

Exhausted from shoveling and feeding I came inside made a cup of peppermint tea brought it to bed with me, laid down and fell asleep for an hour or so. When I awoke the bedroom was aglow with the blinding light of the sun reflecting of the snow. The sun! The blizzard had stopped! I put my gear back on and trudged through the snow drifts back to the goats. They were sunbathing, eyes closed and happily moaning. I sat down with them in the barn, brushed off tiny ice balls off their backs. Touched noses, nuzzled necks and stroked the fat pregnant bellies of my darlings. One chicken was stuck in a snow drift so I brought her inside and put her in a laundry basket with a heat pad. A few minutes later she was on my desk pecking at dust particles. Out she went with the others and I began a new list for tomorrow which began with ‘clean the office’. Everyone made it, we survived the blizzard.

A promising sunset brought us out finally with camera in hand. Evening chores were just a matter of looking for ewes that may have lambed. All was well. Walking back to the house we talked about how grateful we were that as far as we could tell we were doing all right. We looked at the handy work of feed bags stapled to the outside of the barn rafters that prevented blowing snow from coming in. Linda says “I like to refer to those as prayer flags”. Strangely, they resembled just that. We laughed at the irony but the meaning was profound.

Back inside we prepared a dinner of fresh baked bread, parsnip and potato mash and slow roasted chicken we had raised and slaughtered ourselves and ate with silent awe. Tonight the temps will drop to below freezing. All of the outside dogs and cats come in, we might not get any sleep but we both agreed we don’t care. As long as our people are safe all is well on the farm.

Waiting for the storm

2011-01-30T08:21:00.002-06:00

I feel more prepared now than any other winter that I can remember. And I suppose complaining that our work hasn't been put to the test is probably not a good idea. But a storm is a brewin' Looks like after the 70+ degree days we've had Winter will finally rear its head. I've been waiting. Silently. Waiting to come face to face with the force that last year marked my very soul.

We have been blessed by the most amazing winter and in spite of the dryness its been relatively easy. Last year I was lugging five gal buckets of water out in a wheelbarrow to the sheep, mind you through mud and muck! My carhartts were a part of my daily wardrobe. We had purchased a flock of sheep earlier in the season and had no idea when any of them were bred so at anytime we would be hearing little high pitched lamb baahs and thawing out nearly frozen lambs at 3 am. It was a ride. Both of us had permarings around our eyes.

Yea, this year is a very different story. I'll take it. The situation couldn't be more different but one doesn't forget so easily. I don't so much have the survivalist attitude that I had in November but I'm definitely gun shy. I know better than to say bring it on. So I'll just wait. I'll spend today making sure all is storm worthy and wait. I sure wish I had that wood burning stove. someday.

changes

2011-01-29T06:16:00.003-06:00

I was in a funk all day yesterday between a feeling of sadness and confusion. I think the last three days and the dairy possibility were just a lot to take in. For the first time I saw real possibilities. But then I also saw real challenges too. Its hard to explain. I have no reason to feel bad and I wouldn't say I felt bad exactly. But if this dairy ends up working out my life is really going to change. Yea change. Change for the better? no one knows, I suppose that depends on how good the cheese is. There is uncertainty. That scares me.

So I rest in this; I am going forward on all of the research, but its secondary to whats currently going on at the farm. I'm finally in a place where things are working out. I'm excited for the possibilities of the upcoming season and feel more confident than ever this will be the best year yet. So I gotta take it slow. I got to be smart about it. There are so many opportunities being offered to me right now and its been hard not to want to grab everyone of them. But I promised myself to grow down. To strengthen my roots so I have something to stand and grow on. That's got to be my focus this year and the dairy is part of that, so I'll do the things I need to in order to make good sound decisions.

I have to say so far I feel much better today. After our CSA drop off Linda and I are working on the birthing jugs for the does that will start kidding soon. It will be a beautiful day, perfect for preparing for the cold front to come in next week.

So here we are

2011-01-28T05:52:00.002-06:00

First I talked to Frank Brucelle from Dept of ag. dairy div. He is not the Frank I needed to talk to, but it was nice to meet him. This Frank does the testing of milk and dairy products. I really enjoyed talking to him and he was very encouraging. He gave me the other Franks phone number and I also had a good 30 minute conversation with him too. Lots of information. Then Frank gave me the number to the inspector who would be the one most likely in my county, so I called him. At this point my phone was really hot against my face. I thought I should give it a rest, but I couldn't I needed to finally talk to the person who would actually come to the dairy and if my hopes and wishes came true give me the encouraging guidance I would need to get this thing going.

I learned there are only 4 inspectors in the whole state. They are spread very thin. But because so many dairy's have closed up and not too many seem to be opening, so far probably not a stretch. So I told him everything. We got a little stuck on the word micro dairy and there was a concern that micro equipment may not be on the acceptable list of equipment. And he also apologized for his ignorance but he just didn't have a lot of hands on with this micro dairy stuff but he would do his best to help me.

So, He's going to come out and look at the place in a couple of weeks.
By then I should have a preliminary list of equipment I'll be using and be able to at least get some idea of what I am dealing with. I already know I'll need to put a bathroom in, and a small septic.

I'm excited but I feel calmer than I did yesterday. I've decided this is nothing to rush into. Its going to be business as usual around here and the research will be detailed and methodical. This is not going to happen tomorrow. My best bet would be next year. I don't know. But I am going forward and again this is the closest I've come. It does seem like it will be a difficult road. One I'm not entirly sure I'll be able to get to the end of.

All is well on the farm front. Starting to get everything ready for kidding in a few weeks and really hoping for rain. The list of to-dos is long and overwhelming to me right now. I remind myself, one thing at a time. Prioritize.

I have a hen in the house who was mauled by the pups. Her back is raw, so I've been keeping her inside tending to her wounds. She's doing great and by all appearances she's going to make it. She probably wont ever grow feathers on her back again, but she has a good attitude and even laid an egg. She should be ready to go back out in a couple of days. It was a training moment. Ugh!
feeling a little bla today. hope my spirits lift a bit.

The closest I've gotten

2011-01-27T06:40:00.007-06:00

My fingers are shaking as I write this post. My stomach is in a twist and my heart doesn't know weather the sink into my stomach or jump out of my chest. My mind is racing my knees are weak. This is the closest I've come yet to the dream of making cheese legally for sale off the farm.

Yesterday I visited what years ago was a grade A cow dairy. Its 20 minutes from the house. All the tanks etc are long gone. the make room is empty except for floor drains all the plumbing, electricity. Cement walls, floors, lots of windows. The actual parlor has three stalls for cows. This place in its day must have been absolutely a dream. The family who will remain anonymous right now, stopped because kids were gone and milk prices tanked so they sold everything and now have been using it as a storage room.

They know my product well and are really supportive of this going forward. Now there will obviously be some up grades I will need to make. There is no bathroom, and its a lagoon septic system. But... the room, the drains, the plumbing, the electricity for this size of equipment.

where do I start?!:

Calling the dept of ag dairy div

pricing out equipment

pricing out the upgrades

making a plan

looking for money

starting the work on the plant

getting the licencing

designated vehicle

making cheese

selling cheese

So at first I would start small. grow steady and smart.

Is this really happening?

Do you know what this means?

could this really happen?

Could you buy my cheese instead of fish bait at the farmers market?

Back to the farmy life

2011-01-25T06:59:00.000-06:00

My quick little weekend getaway to Seattle was wonderful. It was just the perfect amount of time off the farm. It felt like longer than a weekend but I think that’s because we were able to fit so much in; The water front, the pike place market, a nice long ferry ride, the locks and some time at the local beach and also plenty of time for family. During and in between all of this noshes of crab cocktail, oysters, salmon, more crab, more salmon. On Saturday the family came over and we ate pizza drank wine and looked through old photos of our family. It was really fun. Seeing my mom when she was a baby and a teenager was so cool. I’ve seen them before but for some reason sitting there with my nieces and my sister seemed to bring out more enjoyment for me. I’m so grateful to have had the opportunity to visit.

No catastrophic incidents at the farm. All was fine and dandy. The farm sitter Haley did a fantastic job. We got in after midnight so we checked in with all of the animals first thing in the morning. It was nice to see everyone. I missed the farm. As I went on with morning chores yesterday I was again reminded of what a wonderful life I have. Being in the city was nice but I was ready to get back to my farmy life.

I have to say for being such a short trip I feel remarkably rested and rejuvenated. I did become a little overwhelmed yesterday when I was looking at all the work that needs to be done in the next 3 weeks but I just wrote my list and will just work on crossing stuff off every day.
The biggest priority for me right now is planting the hoop house, which I will be doing today and tomorrow. Next is preparing for kidding. Putting up the jugs (birthing stalls). Our first doe kids on Feb 19th then it’s one right after the other then a full week break in between groups of 4. We have 13 bred does all together. This will help us ease into things. We kid first and then lamb in March. It’s very exciting. Mostly I just can’t wait to make cheese. It’s time to get out into the field but it’s so dry. I’m praying for rain so I can run the chisel plow through and prepare the first beds for onions and potatoes. A good soaking is all I need to get started. I’m on pins and needles. The dry winter has the makings of a pretty bad hay season ahead. I’m crossing my fingers that we start getting some moisture soon.

2011-01-19T06:28:00.002-06:00

I hold my warm coffee cup wrapped in my chilled hands like the face of an old dear friend whose arrival has been anticipated for weeks. Bringing my face close I breathe in. Ahh, such a beautiful scent and the taste like a healing nectar. Just what I need this very moment. I feel the warmth and smoothness of the cup. I notice its shape, color and weight. I love this cup. Coffee tastes better in this cup than any other. I take my first sip sucking air through my mouth to cool the coffee just enough not to burn my mouth. The first sip is the best.

I repeat this ceremony daily and never tire of it.

My life is filled with routines like this, I’m like the goats in this way where I have a deep appreciation, desire and demand for regularity. Farming however often doesn’t allow such things like expectations so I pick and choose my routines carefully. The Journal, the cup of coffee and the morning and afternoon chores. That’s as regular as it gets. In between these things contains a plethora of inevitable surprises. No rain means no chisel plow. Too much rain, no planting. The list of possible changes to the plan is long. Anything can happen and usually does.

I’m leaving for a few days. Visiting my family in Seattle. Linda and I actually get to go away together the second time in two years! We have a more than capable farm sitter and other than the snow forecast the day we leave the weekend weather seems to be nothing to raise my cackles over. I’m looking forward to the break and stepping briefly out of my farmy ways for a weekend of northwest flavor. I’m looking forward to seeing my family, the smell of salt air and stuffing my face with as much salmon, crab and oysters I can. I plan on catching up on some eating. Okay. I am excited!

I’m excited to show Linda Seattle through my eyes, which is really my stomach. I have a list of all the places we’ll eat, some just little fish and chip places, hole in the walls. These tend to be the best places. Friday night Sea Garden, crab with black bean sauce and longevity noodles, geoduck. Can’t wait! Pho for breakfast at Pho hoa in the Intl. district, then lunch at the pike place market grill. Then second lunch somewhere, then back to Intl. district for dinner. Yum! I am getting hungry just thinking about it!

find your bliss

2011-01-18T09:14:00.002-06:00

Woke up this morning two hours after the alarm went off. Haggard and spent from a broken night between sleeplessness and out of body experiences and just plain wacked out dreams, I sucked down a cup of coffee. I threw on my jeans that lay on the floor and could stand on their own and went outside to save a poor hen that was being chased and licked by the pups. Our first “bad dog, leave the chicken alone” lesson. Hell, I’m out here I thought so I finished up the rest of the chores, dogs fed, chicks water and starter feed refilled, Hens fed, Alfalfa to the goats, waters filled, eight eggs found under the hay, stuffed in coat pocket. Reminder to self; I have eight eggs in my pocket don’t do anything stupid.

An hour later I’m in the house snuggling my new hot cup of coffee and my journal, wondering what the hell just happened. I’m out of sorts, I feel awoken from the deepest sleep and have a fog of confusion around me. Nothing another cup of coffee won’t cure I’m sure. See last night I dreamt that I woke up, got out of bed took a drink out of the bathroom faucet and tried to talk to Linda. So it was rather startling when I woke up again and was lying in bed. I really could have sworn I was awake the first time. And I wasn’t completely sure I was awake this time. I did fall deeply back to sleep only to have strange dreams.

Something happens to me in the wee morning hours, on the rare occasion that I can’t sleep. It’s when all of the self questioning, self doubt, and self judgment come out. It’s happened ever since I can remember so I know not to pay it too much mind. I know not to entertain such thoughts but they are persistent. Ghosts of the past. “I should have done this”, “I shouldn’t have done that”. Every insecurity I have comes up to the surface for scrutiny, until I finally say to myself, “Ya’ know it might be true, but we’ll talk about it in the morning”.

Morning comes and those feelings are gentle now, they are buried in the awake state, buried by my bliss. And as I feed the animals and work in the field I smooth over. My flaws and mistakes of the past are accepted and I let sheep kisses wash them clean. The sun hitting my face on a cold day I recognize my imperfections and my desire to do better. I recognize my humanness. In the soil I’ve just turned I see the potential. I find my bliss.

Potato and apple latkes

2011-01-09T10:32:00.004-06:00

(potato pancakes)
First shred the potatoes and onions together in a bowl, then shred one small apple. I use Liberty apples that I bought from Don Chiartarno at the farmers market last summer. Latkes are one of my favorite Seattle past times. There are several Jewish restaurants and delis in Seattle that I used to love. My favorite which unfortunately has been long closed was called Matzo Mamas, run by a large curly headed bearded gay man. Although I never had proof of this, these were my suspicions. “Oy", he used to say "you must try the blintzes tonight Betty they are to die for” the die word, long and drawn out with a curl at the end. Betty was my mother, she loved blintzes and she loved this Jewish gay man. And for whatever reason gay men loved my mother, she was a good listener and they knew all the same show tunes. Oy! my child hood! Don’t get me started!

I loved the latkes at Matzo Mamas and the matzo ball soup was to die for. I loved that place. But the Latkes, Oh my god! A basic Latke recipe is potatoes and onions but the secret to mamas were you added apples to the mix. Traditionally latkes are served with apple sauce and sour cream. Shredded apples added to the potato and onion adds a remarkable sweet/tartness. Any way I’ve never forgotten them and I was 8 years old. I got started young. I’ve never forgotten Matzo Mamas either.

So blend the apple, onion, potato together. Add 2 eggs, ¼ cup milk and 2 tablespoons flour, a pinch of salt and mix just till incorporated. God forbid you then fry them in bacon grease but…… (oh, I can feel the hell fire nipping at my toes) sooo good! So, basically just cook them like a pancake. Be sure to put a dollop of sour cream or Yogurt in top it makes all the difference.
This morning thinking about Matzo Mamas I was craving blintzes too. I didn’t have the ricotta so I just made apple crepes instead. Pretty good I used the yogurt crepe recipe from a few weeks ago and if I don’t say so myself they were fantastic!

Life is good on the farm. The writing surprisingly is still going strong. We are planning a trip to Seattle, so that’s something to look forward to before the season gets going. I started working in the field last week. The sheep have eaten it down pretty well and are leaving beautiful fertilizer as they go. I’m hoping for some moisture so I can plow up old beds, and start getting the soil ready for the first planting of onions and potatoes. I can’t believe it’s almost time to plant. I’m pretty excited! Looking through seed catalogues rekindles the giant crush I have on the garden.
Tomorrow I am welcoming the snow so I can finalize my seed order. I’m not going outside. I’ll freeze. You want I should freeze and not plant a single seed? Oy!

Happy Sunday and Happy New Year!

2011-01-02T08:53:00.004-06:00

All is well on the farm. Christmas and New Years was wonderful. We’ve gotten lots of rest and have had lots of quiet, peaceful walks and much contemplation and thought about going into the year ahead. Linda has had the week off and we both have had time to spend with the sheep and goats and that’s always nice. The writing has been going well, and I think it might take this time. But I miss blogging.

The chicks are doing remarkably well. They are starting to get their feathers and looking as cute as ever. The real test was the low of 8 degrees we woke up to this morning. Two brood lights in each pen worked great. When I went out to check on them they were fine and the water wasn’t frozen in their pen so I take that for a very good sign indeed. I am really starting to love them. I can just watch them forever. They play.

Coming into 2011 I’ve been having this reoccurring thought about confidence, self confidence, and it’s really been troubling me. See I feel really good right now. I feel like I made it through not just a hard but fulfilling last year but I’ve made it through the last four. I don’t know, I guess I feel well…confident. I feel good about the future. I feel good about myself. I feel like whatever life throws at me I can handle. Here is the problem most of my life especially my childhood confidence was seen as bad thing like arrogance. My parents bless their hearts had very little self confidence. Both recovered alcoholics by time I popped out of the womb they had some real issues to deal with. It’s not that they belittled me or made me feel bad or anything like that but what they had experienced in their life gave no reason for them to feel confident life was full of doubt, self doubt.

So I’ve been trained that when I feel confident I should doubt it, especially if I had anything to do with it. This was not so much spoken as it just was an attitude or rather family culture. Learning the difference between confidence and arrogance might have been a challenge for me. Even now I’m slowly learning the difference and how to identify this within myself. I don’t believe I’ve ever been either. Possibly self righteous at times I’m afraid. Any hoo I try to keep this all in check.

So I struggle with wondering if it’s okay to feel self confident. Or should I have doubt? Is doubt safer? After a lot of thought I think I’m going to go with self confidence. I know a lot of stuff but I also know there are tons more out there for me to learn. I know I am going to make mistakes and I know I’m not always going to be right. But I don’t have a fear of any of those things, being wrong is okay. I don’t have to always be right, I don’t have to be perfect. I trust my abilities. I feel this knowledge with-in me that if I shine with love all around me, laugh at myself, if I open myself to the true nature of peace, then when I do fall it will be much easier to get up. I feel confident in this.

So I’m pretty darn excited about the year ahead. I have fewer obstacles in my way that’s for sure. I’ve got two legs to stand on, a sharp knife and hoe, and I have really really good people in my life. I’m on my way!

So let’s have some breakfast!

Whole wheat yogurt blueberry waffles with blackberry syrup.
The blackberry syrup was actually supposed to be preserves I had canned from wild blackberries off the farm but… the pectin didn’t thicken (too sweet I think) and I have syrup instead. I have to say it’s incredible and works great for pancakes, ice cream and yogurt! The blueberries are from Debby Shanks farm, I don’t grow blueberries but until I do I’ll continue to buy and freeze for the winter. This makes about 6-8 waffles depending on the size of your iron.

1 ½ cup whole wheat flour
¾ teaspoon salt
2 T honey
4 T melted butter
2 eggs
1 ½ cup yogurt
1 cup blueberries

Plug that waffle iron in. If the blueberries are frozen thaw them a bit before adding to the batter. Mix all the dry ingredients, mix in the wet ingredients just until incorporated.

Writing it down

2010-12-29T08:32:00.002-06:00

With the farm going at a pace I can manage its time for me to get back to the book, yea I'm writing a book. When I say it, I kind of just shrug it off cause writing can be a fickle little thing. Who knows where it will go. I've been working on it off and on... can you believe for the last six years. Yea not very encouraging is it. But writing is a process, and sometimes things just don't roll off the pen. But I'm going to give it another go.

The blog has helped me get into a writing routine which is important, but I've decided to hang the blog up for a little while and limit it to Sunday breakfast, so I can concentrate all of my efforts on the book. Or might I say, what might become a book that is. The point is I'm writing in a more deliberate manor.

I'm writing about my life in the restaurant biz and the transition into a full time farmer
So.....I'll tell you..This isn't the Title..but..' four seasons of meals, stories and meanderings from an Oklahoma farm.' what do you think? So lots of recipes from farm table dinners, lots of stories. I dunno I'm just gonna see what happens.

I put in six hours of writing yesterday so I'm off
Wish me luck and I'll see you Sundays for breakfast!

Grow down

2010-12-26T20:23:00.001-06:00

This is the winter night I dreamt about all summer. A quiet evening after a satisfying early dinner with visitors, Now long gone on their journey east to Virginia I sit in the most comfortable warm items of clothing I can muster which happen to be farm print flannel PJ’s made by my niece Marnelle, scootched up to my private little space heater sitting in my favorite chair, doing one of my favorite things and drinking my favorite beverage, and listening to my favorite person snuggled up under fluffy blankets on the bed, banging away at the keys of her PC, giving me updates on our recently departed guests whereabouts. “they’ve made it to I40”.

It’s everything I’ve dreamed it would be. I wouldn’t change it for the world.

I have made quite a hobby out of being self reflective and contemplative. It’s an easy thing to do when you spend most of your time with yourself, by yourself. I learned to get real comfortable with my flaws and my bright moments seem something to celebrate, and when I have them, bright moments. I do, I celebrate, with a whoop or a big knowing smile in the mirror, a sly wink at the goats as I walk by. When I have a bright moment all the animals on the farm know about it. I make a point to go around and give everyone a little extra attention. The dogs get a pat on the head and the chickens might just see a piece of dry cat food flung their way. I have more bright moments than I give myself credit for but the knuckle head moments just seem to stand out more. It’s like they have some kind of fluorescent marker on them so you can find them in the tall grass. They just never go away.

For the past month I’ve had the opportunity to really hone my hobby. I have neatly dissected the past year, thought about all that went wrong and all that went right and now I’ve had a whole two days of Christmas bliss of laying around the house reading and contemplating, and you know what I’m ready to put it to bed. The past that is, the blood, guts and smelly things. Gone, and what I have left are wonderful glorious, beautiful lessons! Little presents of wisdom that will keep me safe I hope. I won’t miss these things I’ve given myself heck about for the last umpteen months. I know there will be plenty of new things that will cross my path, but it’s kind of nice to leave some stuff behind. It doesn’t need me anymore and I don’t need it. The best thing about it and the thing I notice the most right now is how much easier it is to look forward. The future doesn’t seem so ominous and mysterious and fateful.

I’ve started the process of planning the coming year. Just for the record I have to for my organic certification records; estimated crop yields etc. last year when I was doing this I felt as if I was walking on a frozen pond. In Oklahoma. Just as I would take another step I would hear the creaking and cracking of the ice. I could go no further. Today feels so incredibly different and I feel as free as a bird. The funny thing is there are no plans for growth, no big new ideas, as a matter of fact not a whole lot will change from last year, and it will be better. I’m growing down. Focusing on the roots of the farm, the stability, the viability. I want to take what the farm does best and perfect it. I want to take what the farm doesn’t do well (or more aptly what I don’t do well at) and scratch it. Grow down.

I’ll be taking far less CSA members but providing them with a higher percentage of their diet. I’ll be growing in a smaller space but able to build the fertility in the soil so more production is possible. I’ll still have just as many farm table dinners and I’ll still take two interns, but I’ll be able to breathe and this sounds so completely glorious to me. Simply put I’ll just be concentrating my efforts. I’m not saying the work won’t be hard and there won’t be struggles and I won’t stop being poor, but I actually feel like for the first time in many years my clothes are finally fitting. That means something to me.

I have found no greater joy than living this life on a farm, I have never felt more satisfaction from working a twelve hour day filthy dirty and sweaty than I have from a day cleaning out barns and weeding beds of corn. There is no sweeter smell of that which comes from morning soil heating from the sun, or that of wool on the sheep as I push my nose deep into the warming girth. There is no flower more beautiful than an okra blossom. And not a more beautiful a person than the one whom I get to spend this life with and share these wonderful things with. I feel as free as a bird.

giving in

2010-12-23T07:01:00.003-06:00

Yesterday was a perfect winter day. cold. Light winds. There were many ducks on the pond, birds singing and chirping like it was Spring or something. List-less, I went about my day. I hung out mostly in the green house because it was eighty degrees in there and I weeded with the lightest T-shirt on I could find. I kept an ear out on the road because I was expecting deliveries;propane, hay. The chickens got my weedings and clucked and scratched about them happily. Fresh green stuff!

I missed my list.

Neurotic was suggested to me over dinner when I was explaining how much comfort a list gives me. Actually most of the day I was trying to figure out why I should not write a list and have time to rest also. Like eating my cake and pie at the same time, or however that saying goes. That cannot possibly be a bad thing. Cake and Pie and all the eating! That sounds like heaven to me. I'll have another piece!

I mean who am I trying to fool here. This is a farm. There is never a time when a list is not needed. So much goes on here, things must be noted down. A hay feeder that needs a new screw. A shelter that needs to be moved. I mean come on the work never ends. Why should I feel bad about that and try to pressure myself into "relaxing" I mean what is that?

So this morning after my normal journal entries I wrote a list! I even put time lines to the tasks so I could see if I could get most done with in a reasonable eight hour day. Oh the pleasure and satisfaction that brought! like thumb sucking! (i quit that a long time ago, but I remember).
However I'm actually a few minutes late for my first chore. So already I'm running behind. Oh the joy!

Rain is likely tomorrow and the possibility of snow. I want to enjoy Christmas Eve with not a worry in the world.
For those of you who celebrate Christmas I hope you have a wonderful day full of love and the spirit of Jesus. For those of you who don't I'll see you at the movies!

hung up

2010-12-22T05:37:00.002-06:00

The only thing that's going right now at the farm is the high tunnel and my CSA. For the time being the garden is dormant, the sheep are eating, the goats are dried up, the chickens are doing what they do which is mostly eat, same with the chicks, and the farm is for the most part resting. A load of round bales comes today and the propane company and that's what I have to look forward too. Oh and the peace and quiet.

Actually. I'm absolutely stir crazy! I don't know what to do with myself. I worked in the green house for a couple of hours and came in and started looking at my list which only had a couple of things on it. So I sat and stared at the computer like I was waiting for it to tell me what to do. I cleaned, I surfed the Internet and I basically looked around for things to do. I didn't fold laundry. I should have but I didn't.

I set the alarm for 6am this morning and woke up at 4:50, both of us did. Wide awake. So I've got two weeks of this. Come January I'll get the onion seeds started and start getting some beds ready for the first planting. Two weeks of "vacation" sort of. So whats my flipin' problem. I don't know how to relax? I feel guilty some how.

Well today I'm going to practice relaxing. After chores I'll leisurely do some light weeding in the green house and maybe after I'll bake some bread and start working On the Living Kitchen farm table dinner cookbook. That sounds kind of fun to me. Instead of sitting at my desk I'll sit in the chair next to the heater with some tea. That will make it less work like. And I might, if I feel like it read or take a nap. Oh and I'll take a walk. I'll do some yoga and practice some breathing. I am not making a list! even though I sort of just did.

I might need to go into town and sit at the gas station and watch TV. No need to try to get all this in on one day. I have TWO WEEKS!

I will fold laundry today.

Flat iron yogurt crepes with peaches

2010-12-19T09:30:00.007-06:00

Yogurt crepes

2 eggs

1/2 cup water

1 1/2 cup yogurt

1/4 teaspoon vanilla

pinch salt

1 cup flour

1/4 stick melted butter

Mix the eggs, water, yogurt, vanilla and salt. Add the melted butter and the flour whisk until smooth. Refrigerate while you prepare the filling. In our case. We have a bunch of frozen peaches from the summer, so for us its peaches. but you could use any fruit. We also love our eggs around here so a couple over easy's plus some summer sausage that was given to us yesterday by Rae from Blakley Family farms was a dream!

This Sunday breakfast makes my top 10 list! The crepes were incredible!

So get your flat iron hot. (dont use any oil) With a chef spoon or small ladle pour the batter into the middle of the pan, then spread it with the spoon in a circular motion moving out to the edges of the pan. Let it cook until the top is not battery, then flip and cook on the other side for just a second or so. If you cant get the crepe to flip you need to let it cook more on the first side. It took me two practice crepes to get it down.

The recipe will make 10

I might lay down now for a few minutes.

Dried up and the maybes

2010-12-18T05:50:00.003-06:00

This time of year the goats milk production goes down substantially. We still have just over two months until kidding and two months is the time that the we dry the girls up. That just means we gradually just stop milking them. Mostly they dry themselves up. I thought we would make it until after Christmas but no deal the girls were only giving us a few quirts. This means that we don't milk until kidding so we get a little milk maiden vacation. Kind of nice. But it also means no milk. We love their milk. So its a bitter sweet story.

So I have several cheeses that are aging for my CSA and other than that I'll be buying raw cow milk from Judy @HLA www.oklahomarawmilk.com to have in my coffee, drink and make yogurt. When I cant drink my own I go see Judy.

So this is the time of year things really slow down. I can go to once a day now with feeding hay and grain, the chickens still need me. and don't forget the baby chicks so I'll still have plenty to do. But maybe now is time to start that reading list? maybe now its okay to keep the office a little more organized. Maybe I'll be able to keep up on laundry now. Maybe a couple more walks now and then. Maybe I'll draw or paint. Maybe more bread baking. Maybe a morning waking up after the sun comes up? Maybe a cleaner house. Maybe.....a vacation? A short trip to Seattle for a weekend? Both of us at the same time. Together?
Maybe?
Feb 19th Kids hit the ground! Lambing begins and the farm explodes with life. Maybe I could get some rest before then?
Maybe?

santa diaries

2010-12-17T08:38:00.004-06:00

Okay, I tried to upload the photo of Santa, but for some mysterious reason it came up blank. But.... last night I had dinner with Mr. Santa and his "partner" at Biga and he told me one of his elves had been getting really depressed, big worry this time of year but much to my surprise quite common. So the sad elf went to a therapist and was told he had low elf esteem!

Santa told me this he really did and he laughed a ho ho ho after.

Poor elf.

So I'm feeling a little full of it today. At 6:15 am the post office called, the chicks had arrived!

I have 108 sweet little one day old chicks! I am so excited. They grow up so fast. One by one I put the chicks in the brooder dipping their beak in the warm molasses water. They were running around the brooder it was so funny. They've been cooped up in a little box for 24 hours so they are ready to fly! I watched all of them take their first drink of water and then I put the food in and they went nuts! Man they eat a lot! So I got 50 black astrolorps (brown eggs, lay great in the heat of the summer) and 50 Americanas (blue eggs).

This is the first time I have gotten my chicks so early. I usually get them in March but I realized 31 weeks puts their laying cycle close to August and I didn't have enough eggs for my CSA members. So this way I'll have some roll over and have eggs in May from this group. The others will still be laying so I should have a steady supply. We'll see how this works. I do have to make sure they stay plenty warm so that's a consideration. I might be a little excited!

2010-12-16T07:15:00.004-06:00

There are few times that the farm is quite. Mostly in the afternoon around 2pm. When it’s quite you notice. There is always so much happening here, between the 200 clucking hens and the several crowing roosters, bleating sheep and goats, barking or vocal playing dogs, crows, hawks and geese, ducks, and the flapping of green house plastic in the wind. This farm can be a really noisy place. Yesterday was one of those quite times. I don’t know how long it lasted. It was noticeable enough to stop me in my tracts on the way to the barn where I found myself just standing there listening at the quiet. It almost felt like a brain massage. Ahhh. So nice.

Sometimes, several days go by where I don’t leave the farm. I can honestly say I never feel lonely. Or board. I get going on projects and jobs with the garden or with the animals and the days just speed by. Now that things have slowed down a bit I can savor my projects and don’t feel the need to rush through them. I must say that is a brain massage. Ahhhh, so nice. Yesterday was one of those great euphoric farm days. In every way I savored it, down to the rodeo the day started out with while loading lambs. Let’s just say we had a break out and by the grace of (fill in the blank) we managed to get the ones we were taking loaded up.

Oh, one of those projects I had was puppy proofing. So, you may have read before that we are the proud new owners of two livestock guardian dogs, however they are 6 weeks old right now. Let me just say they are the cutest things I’ve ever laid eyes on. They are adorable! But I didn’t have the area they were supposed to be in with the kids and lambs puppy proofed enough so they spent a lot of time on the porch looking for us and we spent a lot of time trudging them back to their pen. But I finally got it nailed yesterday and they haven’t gotten out yet. I’m trying to follow the correct way to raise livestock guardian dogs and will have them in with five lambs. I won’t bore you with the details but it takes a lot of commitment from the owner to let the dogs bond with the sheep and not the round heads (people).
But aren’t they cute!

life and death

2010-12-15T06:06:00.000-06:00

This morning five lambs will have their first and last bad day. It slaughter day or if you’d rather it’s the day I take them to the processor. Either way they won’t be coming back in the same form they left in. On one hand I will miss them. I’ve gotten to know them a little. I’ve gotten accustom to their personalities and what their bodies look like and on the other hand I admire their health weight and shiny coats and feel so proud to be raising meat so healthy, so pure and so clean. These guys have been on fresh clean pasture for 9 months, they have lived their lives grazing on prairie grasses, broccoli stems, alfalfa and more recently whole corn. I’ve watched them fight, I’ve watched them play, I’ve watched them eat and sleep and for most I watched them be born. I’ve given them shots wormed them when they needed it nursed them back to health if they were sick and thought of them as my own children. But they’re not.

Each time I take a trip to the processer I can’t help but be a little sad. And every time I question whether I should be a vegetarian and every time I say no. I’ve given a lot of deep thought to my diet and what I eat, but now is not the time to go on about this. Now is time to give gratitude and appreciation. Now is to have a sense of pride on a job well done. Now is to live in the real world without illusions or distractions. Right now I am living my truth; I accept that there is pride and sadness.

a day in the life of my pants

2010-12-14T06:56:00.000-06:00

The Carharts are back in my wardrobe mix and am ever so grateful for them. I’ve had em’ now for some years and the leg cuffs are getting a bit tattered. Now, they are clean for the most part but stained by a list of things that may not be appropriate to write about in great detail this early in the morning, especially if you’re eating breakfast. But let’s just say these things not only have character they tell stories of cold nights in the barn helping a ewe or a doe along while she struggles to have birth. Or the 2am January shower with a nearly frozen new born lamb then the blow dryer. The knees tell a story from soil stains from cold spring mornings in the field taking soil temps and the softened fabric from long walks on the snowy paths throughout the farm. I feel a little attached to them.

The mornings have been difficult to get out in, regardless of the carharts, I stretch it. I have breakfast, I do paperwork, and I return phone calls and e-mails and basically procrastinate the heck out of it. The sheep are literally screaming at me to bring them alfalfa, to break the ice on their frozen water. They have a schedule, hello. They know just what window to look in angrily as I peer out assuring them I will be right there. Frankly I hate the cold. I love the hot sweaty summers. 105 no problem! 35 oh gosh no! But I have no intention of moving to the tropics so I’ll just have to tough it out.

Now that I’m ready for winter as far as the farm goes I’m kind of looking forward to a little time snowed in. I hope I didn’t just hex myself! But there is a part of me that would really like to be forced to stop, to rest. Each day I busy myself with a list I can’t possible complete, I take a short break for lunch and I’m back at it. Before I know it its evening chore time then dinner then bed. If I haven’t made a significant dent in the list I feel lazy. Slow. I hate to have to transfer yesterday’s items onto today’s list. It’s the ultimate failure. There are two things that stop me and that is snow or ice or being sick. I don’t get out much so this reduces me catching a cold, unless Linda brings one home with her but I would prefer not to go that route. Gosh I totally just hexed myself didn’t I?

Today I just have a few things on my list. They might take a while. I’m the expectant mother of 100 baby chicks that are scheduled to arrive tomorrow morning and I’m getting things ready to load up the lambs I’ll be taking to the processer in the morning. That’s really all I have scheduled for today. I realize that may be enough. It’s funny though I’m sure by the end of the day that list will have tripled.

Bangal Benny

2010-12-12T09:17:00.002-06:00

Okay, this ended up to be way too rich and almost too much to eat but.... Two left over pieces of toasted corn bread, fresh raw spinach and kale from the hoop house, Poached eggs topped with curry hollandaise sauce. Some potatoes and Pork and greens bacon on the side there.
Nap time!
Happy Sunday!

2010-12-11T08:12:00.001-06:00

You took my joy, i want it back!

2010-12-10T06:44:00.003-06:00

Apparently for people like me, yesterday was a bad news day. I don’t read the newspaper. I do listen to NPR if that tells you anything about me, but yesterday I was working all day, and on the way home from my hour drive from Stillwater I was jamming to Ryan Adams’ Cold Roses CD, if that tells you anything about me. I heard about all this bad in the news last night as Linda ticked off each item until I said “STOP”. “That’s enough I don’t want to know”.

But I heard about the hate and intolerance and this never ending squabble about “Christmas” VS “Holiday” and each year this happens I move farther from Christmas because more and more it seems a holiday for complete whack jobs starting at black Friday. I try not to stereo type Christians as social terrorists like most try not to stereo type Muslims, but I tell you there are some bad apples out their taking the joy out of our primal need to feel the spirit of God. To me people like Fred Phelps make God a dirty thing, an unholy thing. Something to stay as far away from as I can.

I wish I didn’t know about all the bad out there. I wish I could stay in my farmy utopia and be untouched by it all. But I have to maintain a certain sense of belonging to a greater community with The United States of America even though by default I was born one of the last groups of people openly denied basic civil rights. As I watch my friends and family live in complete freedom I’m faced daily with the knowledge that if I want that freedom offered to United States citizens I must conform and deny my own truth. And believe me I tried for years to do this. I was miserable and desperate to escape my prison of lies. So now I live as authentically as I can. I try not to talk about politics and I try not to remind most of my friends that they have a privilege I, probably in my life time won’t have. I can play it off like it doesn’t matter but it does. It hurts. I feel bad about it. Quietly.

Today and tomorrow and for as long as I can stand it, will be no news days, no NPR no Tulsa World no nothing. The news I hear will be from the goats, the wind through the last remaining leaves on the big oaks and the soft patter of chicken feet following me to the feed. This is joy, this is spirituality and right now as far as I know, no one can take that away from me. I’m not an activist. I am a farmer and I have one desire bigger than the news and that is to feed people, love completely and be loved. Live a life that is good. That’s my Joy.

winter projects

2010-12-08T06:11:00.003-06:00

Yesterday was another farmy day of winter projects. During the summer I received a grant to install a high tunnel. I have one already that I have been growing in during the winter and well two would be great, actually so would seven. Getting the word that my grant was accepted felt like wining a prize. A free hoop house that I could turn into vegetables and profit! Woo hoo! So the hoop house went up thanks to some CSA members, all but the plastic and the ends remained.

I thought I might be able to wait on the putting the plastic on and the ends but I was told on Monday afternoon I had to put the ends and a door on. So yesterday that's just what I did. It wasn't on my list of things to do so I had to readjust my OCD leanings. Now the only thing that is missing is the plastic. I don't plan on planting in it until late January so the longer I can go with out putting the plastic on the longer the plastic wont have to be under attack from the Oklahoma weather. But I am anxious to have the whole thing done and ready when I need it so I may just wait until the next somewhat still day and call a few folks to help me pull it over. Its definitely not a one person job unless you want to see that one person loose their mind in a matter of seconds. With three or four hands it goes over in minutes.

Spending as much time out in the garden yesterday got my mind going again. Thinking about what I will plant, remembering and making mental notes of what did well what did not. What varieties of this lettuce do I want and so on. I got excited. I looked back at my planting list from last year and read the notes I had made. I read the desperate cries of failure and the notes of what not to do. What a gift to have a year of mistakes behind me. Fabulous lessons I can now appreciate.

I've got a list of winter projects and I've been able to tick them off with great satisfaction. My goal is to have most everything done in December so January I can relax, take some time off, read, write. Come Fabruary the games begin and I would be a fool not to take as much time as I can in January to re- fuel my body, spirit and my mind.

Time to linger

2010-12-07T06:04:00.003-06:00

Okay, so no accumulation is expected. If there is, I'm ready. As a matter of fact just for the record if there is four feet of snow I'm ready. Hows that for letting your anxiety to work for you?

Actually, its true I ticked the last thing off my list under GET READY FOR WINTER. Yes, yesterday I actually enclosed the back porch in greenhouse plastic. So the cats and the two great Pyrenees who guard us rather than the sheep can have a dry place to come into. Got a heater in the well house and have located the tank heaters. I am lookin' good by god!

So what do you do when everything is dandy? No fires to put out? No lives to save? We'll me, I linger at a project a little longer or hold on to a page in my mind of a book I'm reading , hang out and enjoy the animals more! I forget sometimes how much joy they give me. Yesterday I moved the sheep in another rotation. I reloaded the loose minerals and had a little left in the tub I had so I sat down in the dried grass with it in my lap and each ewe came up and got a little nibble. Sunshine, an ewe from my original flock of 5 years ago just stayed by my side nudging me every time I would quit rubbing her neck. Oh it felt so good to feel the warmth of the sheep surrounding me on such a chilly day. I was in heaven. Getting this close allows me to connect but also it allows me to observe who is standing off, who is too skinny. They come to me which is the way I think we all prefer it. All looked fabulous. I think we'll have a great lambing season this year. I am looking so forward to it! So far I think I've won over all but one ewe. She doesn't trust me so she stays way back from the others cautiously watching. I wonder if I can charm her to come a little closer?

Most days I spend outside and yesterday was no exception. The fresh air, the sheep, the goats and even the chickens reminded me of how incredibly spectacular my life is. I got hungry about 2 pm, I my typical lunch of lentils, and hot goat milk with honey and nutmeg and a slab of goat milk Camembert cheese I was testing the age on. Again the profound acknowledgement of my incredible life. I want for nothing. I have never been so happy.

Perspective

2010-12-06T06:24:00.002-06:00

Its 14.7 degrees here at the farm right now. and I'm thinking to myself. Why? Why does it have to be that cold? Why not 30 or 35 thats cold but 14.7, whats the sense in that? Even though I know better than to ask these questions I still do. Winter makes me edgy. what can I say.

I still wake up in the middle of the night sometimes terrified that one or all of the goats, sheep or any of the animals is sick and dieing. Its a horrible feeling and I'm helpless. It takes several minutes for me to wake up enough to talk myself down. Its okay, everyone is fine. I some how convince myself of this and fall back to sleep. Its the strangest thing and the worst feeling and thankfully its been a while since I've been in that situation in my waking life. But I think once you experience trying to unsucsessfull nurse a sick animal back to health you know the awful helpless feeling and it sticks with you. It changes you. Maybe for the better. But for me I think I might have a touch of PTSD.

I'm preparing for winter like I'm preparing for the worst possible scenarios, My preparations are fear based and very serious. I wish I wasn't so stressed out about it. But I suppose I just have to live through this in order to know that it is possible for winter not to be a terrifying mess. I mean logic tells me, we're doing all the right things. We have back up plans, that's something we didn't have before. So I just need to chill, I know.

Yesterday Linda and I worked on enclosing another area in the barn, making it even more protected from the wind and rain, We fixed a hay feeder so its not a soft comfy bed for the goats any longer and next weekend we'll build a couple of birthing jugs. The barn is safe and secure and this is a good sleep remedy.

See on the other hand, when I'm not drowning in fear I'm really feeling wonderful and am really enjoying some down time on the farm. This will be the first year I haven't traveled to Seattle for Christmas and it feels really good to know I'll be home. I'm actually looking forward to spending a nice quiet Christmas on the farm. And for the most part these cold days and nights have been filled with hot cider, dominos, and books. So I do have to keep things in perspective.

Today is just a normal day, clean the milk parlor, spend a couple of hours on a project, organize some paper work. Tomorrow, 30% chance of snow in the morning and in the afternoon and I'm ready to enjoy it.

A sunday starter

2010-12-05T09:31:00.010-06:00

So, I have this theory that if your feeling bad, like a cold, virus, bacterial, mood swings, depression, digestion issues and so on and you want to feel better. Start with what your eating. So me, if I'm not feeling tip top, I look first to my diet. What have I been eating? If its digestion issues I look at the inflammatory foods like if I'm eating too much wheat, and grains, too much bad fat. If its mood swings I look to sugar in all of its forms, again wheat, grains, nuts. I try to allow my body to tell me whats up. If I quiet myself for just a few minutes and listen It becomes pretty clear. The truth is, there has been some not so tip top feelings in this home, so its time to take a look.

So my meals for the next several weeks are going to be focused on healing rather than maintenance. We're going to make sure we are really paying attention to our immune system, digestion and overall well being. You know I'm all about the traditional diets that the Weston A Price foundation talks about. Food in its purest natural form. I can easily get my mind around this. Home grown, or local, pure clean food. No preservatives, no fake stuff. Nutrient dense. Ahhh!

I figured the best place to start is with Sunday breakfast. So here are sweet potatoes browned in a small amount of coconut oil, with sliced onion, garlic and boc choi from the hoop house. Two farm raised fried eggs in coconut oil and a small amount of red sea salt. I must say it was incredible!

For lunch A papaya and home made goat milk yogurt smoothie

Dinner; Grilled rib eye steak from Blakley family farm, sauteed beet greens and chard.

Included in this Sunday eating delight is also a long walk on the farm. I love Sunday's!